Insights Into Me

Services for Jenna Lee...

2010-07-16T21:50:00.005-06:00

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 – July 14, 2010

Jenna Lee Walker passed away July 14, 2010 at her home in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho. She had been diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma in March of 2006. Jenna was born August 23, 1985 in Bountiful, Utah to Robert Levi and Linda Lee Hale Walker. She graduated with High Honors from Horseshoe Bend High School as Salutatorian, Class of 2003. She was a member of the National Honor Society and recognized as an All-American Scholar by the United States Achievement Academy. Jenna also enjoyed playing on the school basketball and softball teams. She continued her education at Brigham Young University and at Boise State University where she was inducted into The National Society of Collegiate Scholars.

Jenna loved learning about the people, places and animals of the Earth. She was a person who loved God, her family, and always desired to serve others. Despite her pain and hardship, Jenna was always an example of love, patience, humility, and faith to all that were blessed to know her.

Jenna is survived by her parents Robert and Linda, sisters Nikki and Joie, and brothers Jerrod, Jon, and Jordan. Viewings will be held July 21 from 6:00-8:00 pm and July 22 from 1:30-3:00 pm. A funeral service will be held July 22 at 3:00 pm. The viewings and the funeral service will be held at the Horseshoe Bend LDS Chapel (447 Highway 52, Horseshoe Bend, Idaho). A graveside service will be held at 2:00 pm July 23 at the Neeley Idaho Cemetery (3251 Eagle Rock Road, Neeley, Idaho).

It was Jenna’s wishes that those desiring to send flowers send a contribution to Primary Children’s Medical Center instead. Donations in Jenna’s name may be sent to: Ewing’s Research, c/o Center for Children’s Cancer Research, Huntsman Cancer Institute, 2000 Circle of Hope Drive, Salt Lake City, UT 84112 – 5550, ATTN: Stephan L. Lessnick, M.D., Ph.D.

Jenna Lee Returned to her Heavenly Father...

2010-07-15T21:45:00.005-06:00

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 - July 14, 2010

Jenna returned home to her Heavenly Father Wednesday, July 14th at 9:36 pm. After her four year battle with Ewing's Sarcoma, a bone or soft tissue cancer, she was finally released from her earthy body.

We are still planning all of the funeral arrangements, but we will post them as soon as everything is finalized. We know that the Funeral will be Thursday, July 22, in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho.

We are grateful for all of the prayers that have been said on Jenna's behalf, and we are grateful for the prayers that are being said for our family and those who love her. We are feeling the comforting powers of the Spirit and are so grateful for The Loving Plan of Our Father in Heaven that will allow us to dwell with her and Our Heavenly Father again.

We Love You, Jenna Lee, and we are grateful that your trials of this life are over and you are no longer suffering. Please watch over us, and visit us when we are in need of your love.

We will miss you!

Wow. What a week.

2010-06-28T13:32:00.003-06:00

Well, we went to the ranch last week. It was so fun to have everyone there. ALL members of the Rob and Linda Walker family.......6 children, 4 spouses and 8 grandchildren! The ranch house was packed! We played horseshoes,mowed lawns,
bought a belt to fix one of the mowers, played on the swings, mowed more lawn,went to town to buy a different sized belt for the broken mower, went 4 wheeling, mowed more lawn, zipped down the zip line, trimmed edges, played cards, trimmed around buildings,returned all the belts for the mower, none would fit!...watched videos, filled the pond,took naps(me mostly),went exploring in the woods, played in the playhouse, and we did a lot of cooking, eating and cleaning! I came out of my room to eat some meals with everyone. Jon and Jerrod carried me and my wheelchair down the steps and into the "play ground" to watch when I felt well enough! Fun! Wonderful memories!

When we got home, it took me 3 days or longer to recover. During that time, Jon called me to tell me that his best friend, Will Packer passed away. I was devasted for my cousin Heidi Hale Packer. They have not been married long but had a great outlook on life and a great plan worked out for their future. Since I was on a ton of pain meds, I had not remembered Jon calling me or any of our conversation. A few days later I overheard my mom talking about it on the phone. Since I could not remember Jon's phone call it was to me like hearing it for the first time breaking my heart all over again.

I am jealous of Will being able to return Home before me! Heavenly Father must have really needed him to take him so quickly. For here I am....broken up, bruised and too often unable to do much of anything because of being in so much excruiating pain. I am ashamed of my feelings of jealousy and anger. I am also frustrated because I want to go so badly even knowing I would cause my family another funeral this summer season. I love my familiy. They mean so much to me. They have been an anchor to me, helping my testimony grow. I am thankful to know that families are forever and we will be together again.
with sincerity,and love,
jennalee

busy day but wearing out.

2010-05-26T21:00:00.003-06:00

Wow. I am exhausted. I haven't done much, but oh well. I have two projects going and both can take up quite a bit of time. I love to do them so that is good.

I am working on more jingle boxes. It is good for me because I can see my progress and I know that the time is not wasted and is going toward a good cause.

I am also working on getting my Vancouver photos into a photo album so that others could see the fun that we had. Reminiscing over the events saved in photography brought joy and laughter to me.

I am also wanting to put my San Fransisco pictures in an album so that is probably what I am going to do next.

Nothing much is going on. I am just trying to stay busy with projects that I get satisfaction from.

The last week I had some pain in my shoulder and in my lower back. It is painful times like these where I wonder if there is anyone still praying that I will "get better soon". I prayerfully ask that they wouldn't. I am so exhausted and my body is all beaten up. I am sorry if I offend or disappoint anyone by that request. I cannot continue to being so run down, exhausted and in pain for much longer. I hope that there is a time soon coming that I will no more continue to be among you. I love you, but please let me go.

IT IS SNOWING!!!!

2010-05-22T16:23:00.011-06:00

Okay, I know it has been a while since I last blogged, but this is too cool to share! I can't believe we are having snow in LATE MAY!!!! I tried to post a picture but it didn't work.

Well, don't get you hopes up. I will try to write more often than I have been. I try to remind myself that this is a good form of therapy, but when I have so many mundane days in a row I think that people don't need to hear the same thing over and over again. But I promise I will do better. more than a couple of times a month anyways.

I am now living on the main floor of the house in what was the "guest bedroom". Mom, has worked her hardest to make it feel like my room and brought things down from my room. For example, she brought down a couple of framed pieces and hung them up and also a bulletin board,a couple of pieces of furniture, my TV, and my comfy recliner. Her and Dad also cleaned out the closet so that I have a place to put my clothes. I appreciate all of their hard work. The room is maybe a quarter the size of my old one, but I never used up all the space that I had, so it feels good to downsize.

I moved to the main floor because I am now totally dependant on my mom and dad for everything, i.e. going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting out of bed, changing my clothes and many other every day movements, for example I need them to come and get things for me that are not in my immediate area, which must be a little aggravating for them. I believe they are sick of the phrase, "Can you come here for a minute?" lol. I have a table by my bed that has a few things on it like a clock, lamp, radio, and place to put a glass of water. I really need to engineer a new table with shelves so that I can reach more things.

Soon after I lost my legs I sat in my recliner for too long and ended up getting a pressure sore caused by not shifting or moving for a long period of time. Also, I have a tumor right under the skin that is rapidly growing and expanding into any facet of my lower back. Not moving and the tumor getting bigger created a "Perfect Storm" (so to speak), so I ended up with a five inch pothole with tunnels growing just below my skin. It is pretty gross and it has, and will take, a long time to heal and I am not sure it will totally heal up. My nurses up here said that they don't see very many pressure sores and the few that see saw never healed completely up.

It is because of this misery that I have to be turned every two hours morning, afternoon and night. Also, I am afraid to be up and around in my wheel chair for very long in fear that the wound would get worse. Over the last month or so it has started to heal and I hope that it continues to do so.

In the meantime I have taken up making "jingle boxes." They are plastic square panels stiched together. Each side is stiched in a different color, e.g. red, orange, blue, etc. Within the box is two jingle bells. These "jingle boxes" are eventually shipped by the church's Humanitarian Center to kids that have very little. It serves as a rattle and is also used to teach them colors. It makes me feel good because I can see the progress that I am making and I am doing service to those that are in need. I don't know who it is recieved by, but I hope that it is put to good use. :)

This last week Jerrod was able to come up and spend some time with me. We just hung out together. I taught him how to make a jingle box. When he left he took some supplies to teach Anna how to make them. :) We then put together a puzzle of Vancouver. It was so much fun to put it together because some of the places that we went to were on the puzzle. lol It also motivated me to get my pictures of Vancouver printed off and put together an album. I am really excited to do that. I have my picture printed. Now all I have to do is put the album together. It touches my heart that he is putting a lot of effort to come and hang out with me. I am so thankful for that. I am able to make even more memories that stand out and gets me out of my mundane schedule. We always have fun together.

I know that if my other brothers and sisters could do that I know that they would. Things are pretty tight right now and I get that. I love them all so much. I don't love one more that the other. I just love them for different things. :) I love my mom and dad too. lol.

I love you all.

Jenna Lee

Bad Day...but there is a hero...

2010-03-22T19:24:00.003-06:00

Today has been a difficult day for Our Jenna Lee. She had a rough night last night. She had a big day yesterday, and she has had an increase in her pain since. She has no feeling in her legs, and as of today, she can't move her left leg. She can still maneuver her right leg, but the mental impact of not being able to move her left leg has left her worn out today. It is emotionally crippling as well as physically.

But Luna has been by her side all day. I walked into Jenna's room this morning and I pushed Luna off the bed so that I could have a place to sit. She curled herself up into the closet. But the funny thing is that, you can see how she had to struggle to get her big body into the small space in the closet. Then, Luna just hung out there until she decided she was hungry.

Then, she ended up with Jenna. Jenna has been sleeping a lot today, but she has been trying her hardest to get around. She decided that she needed some "exercise" so she wheeled herself around the kitchen. It was really cute to see her go find mom in the laundry room. She has a great relationship with mom, and mom helps her to calm down, and mom listens to her. It is really amazing to watch.

Mom asked me to take this picture. It is just a small measure of the comfort that Luna is able to offer to Jenna. There is nothing better than an animal that understands what you need, and is there for you, no matter what. We are grateful that Jenna has her Luna. She has done a lot for Jenna's comfort and healing.

The Blessings we have...

2010-03-21T23:59:00.005-06:00

Happy Day!!! We are all so happy to be together...

These top pictures were from yesterday. We set up the card table in Jenna's room, and we all hung out there all day. We were able to get some craft projects done for my mom and Joie was even able to do her homework. We were pretty efficient for the 4 of us.

Jenna actually ventured away from home today. She decided that she wanted to go to church. Yeah for Jenna Lee. She was the first one up this morning, and sadly the last one ready for Church. That was a new experience for our little Jenna Lee. She was a little discouraged by the fact that both her older sister and her younger sister beat her getting ready, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!! When I came downstairs this morning, Dad had gotten Jenna breakfast, and pushed her up to the sink to brush her teeth. Much easier that maneuvering her giant wheelchair into the bathroom. I took over the rest of getting Jenna ready. I helped her get dressed, and do her hair, and we luckily remembered to put one some basics like deodorant. Hahaha! Remembering the basics for someone else is a little more difficult than it is for just myself.

Everyone at the Horseshoe Bend Branch is so wonderful. There were tears in peoples eyes as I pushed Jenna's wheelchair into sacrament meeting. They were so excited to see her come to church. She hasn't been to church for quite some time. We were received with peace and warmth. The people up here love Jenna so much and are so grateful for her example. She is really inspiring to a lot of people, not just me.

rc.

This was Jenna's first car ride since she came home from Utah in January. She was really excited to go to church.

But Church really tuckered her out. She froze to death. We had to send Joie home to get her a pair of socks, and Dad had to go out to the car to get the BYU blanket from the trunk. We spent a lot of time getting her comfortable in her wheel chair. Sitting in one place for too long is really painful for her, and since she can't just stand up and move around, we all had to help her with that.

Joie had to leave today at 2:30pm. It was really hard to say goodbye to her. We have so much fun when we are together. Joie brings excitement and light heartedness with her every where she goes. She is such a joy to have around. She will be home from school for a couple of weeks in April. Then she will be heading back out to BYU-I.

A Sisterly Smooch!!! We are so blessed to have sisters. For anyone who does not have the blessing of sisters, I am so sorry. There is such a comfort that sisters bring. There is such a joy that is felt when we are all together. It would have been so great if our other sisters, Erika, Brittany, and the newest sister, Krista could have joined us this weekend. They were missed and loved. We are so grateful for them, and their willingness to love our brothers, cause heaven knows, we struggled with that growing up. :) I guess it is easier to love those boys now!!! We have so many things to be grateful for...sisters, brothers, spouses, kids, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I find myself excited for eternal life, where we can all be together and know that the struggles of this life were not only worth it, but over. I am excited to see everyone there.

We were laughing about Joie's bangs and how it looks like they are attacking Jenna's head. AUGHHHHHHH!!! Watch out for the BANGS!!!!

Oh, Joie!!! I already miss you!!!!!

Jenna froze her toes off today!!!! Jenna's pain has been really well controlled by medicine, however, the theory on her pain easing is this...There is a visible tumor on Jenna's lower back. The last time my family and I were here, Jenna was in unbearable pain. She has been totally different on this trip, and we think that the tumor in her lower back has essentially attacked the nerves in the area. She is totally unable to walk. She has no feeling in her legs and feet, unless she gets too cold, then she only feels tingling. She has started to feel pain again tonight. It is so hard to watch her as her eyes fill up with tears. She just closes her eyes, and grimaces and you know, that she is feeling some pain. She tries so hard to not let it bother her, but it is just too much. Mom increased Jenna's morphine again tonight. It has been a while since she has had to do that. It is hard on Jenna.

Tonight, she asked mom how long Grandpa Hale was in a wheel chair before he passed away. I think Jenna was trying to get some sort of idea or an estimate on how much time she had left. Mom gently explained to her that Grandpa's cancer was so very different from hers, and comparing their illnesses would be in vane. Jenna, had tears in her eyes when mom finished. She just wants to have a little understanding of how much longer she will have to suffer. My heart ached for her. She has endured for so long and asking her to keep going seems like torture. But I know, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a time table for her. He is just not randomly keeping her here to suffer. There are things that need to be learned, not only by her, but by those around her. Her tasks are not completed, but He is aware of her, and her suffering, and He is reaching His merciful arms out to her daily. She feels His comforting embrace, and she is strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and the prayers, faith and love of those who are learning from her.

Jenna, your patience marvels me!!! What a blessing it is to be your big sister. I know that this life hasn't been easy for you, and I know without a doubt that it sure doesn't seam fair, but I learned this today in Sunday School...

Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Life is Fair.

Our experiences on Earth are so different, but when we all do what we can, the Savior makes up the rest, and that is what makes life fair. He offers His Sacrifice to everyone, not just a chosen few. His arms of mercy are extended to you, and to me, and I will feel blessed to be able to see you wrapped in His Arms when this earthly experience is completed.

I Love You!!!!

Getting to Jenna!!!

2010-03-20T13:56:00.003-06:00

I left Casa Grande at 2:45 pm. I arrived in Horseshoe Bend at 4:15 am. What an incredible journey. I had plenty of time to spare in the Phoenix airport, I spent that time talking on the phone and reading my book. I really enjoyed my flight to SLC. When we landed in SLC I was a little nervous because I had only 25 minutes to catch the connecting flight to Boise. Myself, and a few of the other passengers around me, who were also headed to Boise, headed straight for the departure screens in the terminal. The 577 flight to Boise wasn't even posted. We all headed over to Customer Service where we were told that the 577 flight was still in Tulsa, Oklahoma. WHAT??? Yep, and it still had to stop in Denver, Colorado. They actually changed the airplane in Oklahoma after spending 4 hours trying to fix it. Then the got to Denver, and they had to de-ice the plane. Then, Southwest finally decided to just trade the planes out for a warm fresh plane that had just landed. No de-icing necessary. Then they were off. Flight 577 finally landed in SLC at 12:20 am. Slightly later than the scheduled 8:10 pm arrival. Anyway, I was all out of reading energy by the time we got on the plane headed for Boise, so I stretched out across a whole bench and fell asleep until the plane landed. Below are some pictures of my time in SLC.

A riding Vacuum... who'da Thunk? I was laughing because I WANT ONE!!!! Not that I have a ton of carpet to vacuum, I really don't, I just thought that it would be cool. I am almost certain that the man I was taking a picture of was slightly concerned about the CRAZY woman taking a picture. I was smiling as I walked away from him, hoping he wasn't concerned about INS.
The poor people waiting for flight 577. There were many more wandering the hospital, walking back and forth to different areas looking for food, and coffee.

Once we landed in Boise, I shook the cobwebs from my brain, and called Joie and dad who were patiently waiting for me. I lugged my suitcase off the baggage claim turntable, and headed out into the cold of the night. It is freakin' cold in Idaho. My blood isn't thick enough to handle the 30 degree nights here.

We headed to the Horseshoe Bend Homestead. We walked into the house, Dad pulling my green suitcase behind him. We stopped in the Guest Room, now Jenna's room. Complete with hospital bed and her fabulous t.v. Mom and Dad and one of their neighbors rearranged the house to accommodate the new living arrangement. Jenna was sleeping, but her t.v. was on, so Dad walked into her room, took off her glasses, took the remote, and kissed her head as he turned off the t.v. She opened her eyes, and said, Hi daddy. He said, "Night Jen." I said, "Hi sis." and her eyes opened a little bit more. She smile, and said, "Hi, Gikkers." I told her that I planned on spending alot of time sitting in that comfy reclining chair in her room. and Joie, well, Joie could just sit on the floor. Jenna laughed and said, "no, she can have the commode." We were laughing way to hard for 4:30 in the morning.

I have spent the morning with Jenna. She is currently in the comfy recliner and I in her hospital bed. She is taking a little nap. She looks good, and seams to be in good spirits. She can't walk. He legs give up on her, so Dad has to pick her up and move her from one place to another. They do a little dance to get Jenna's feet to shuffle where they need to be. Jenna is still eating, and she even gets Dad to put her in the wheel chair and roll her up to the table so we could have lunch together. Jenna has a wicked sense of humor. She always has fun things to say. Joie, mom and I were talking, and mom fell behind the conversation. When we caught mom up to speed, she said, "sorry, I have a little lag in my brain." I said, "you, I am the one who changed time-zones." and Jenna said, "Yep, she has Jenna Lag." I guess mom has gotten use to Jenna's morphine induced speed of SLOW!!! Us girls are having a lot of fun. I am so grateful I am able to be here and spend some time with my little sister.

I will keep posting, and keep everyone up to date on Jenna's condition.

The Last Couple of Days: Short Report

2010-03-06T01:45:00.002-07:00

For some unknown reason yesterday was one of those thought provoking, philosophical days where all I want to do is talk and cry. I was a social butterfly on the phone today. Calling one person after another. I struggle through days like this because my thoughts bring me down and I find myself on a dark pinnacle and any movement could knock me off to the deep abyss below. On all sides I feel fatigued and defeated to the very last ounce of energy in my soul on all sides, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. And it is so unfair because on days like this all I want to do is cry with soul retching sobs and huge elephant tears that fall almost uncontrollably. I say this is unfair because when I cry, I hurt. The tumors that are ravaging my body to pieces are in places that all the energy that comes because of the sobs is transferred to shaking my body, mostly my lower back. It is an unfair cycle that never ends.

On these days, I can readily find the fatigue that has piled up over these last four years. I find that everyone has moved on in some way or other and find that I just seem to be moving ever more moving backward. For example, I am totally dependant at an age where I should be experiencing the wonders and tragedies that come from independence. It is frustrating, depressing at times.

This was yesterday. Satan had almost had me cornered, questioning what I had once had no doubt about. I couldn't believe how far I had fallen. My frustrations turned into a battle with Satan for my soul and I knew I couldn't just give up. My mom thankfully started asking me questions. At each question I heard two voices inside my head.

I could hear the devil laughing, cheering, yelling at me. Yelling, "YES!! WHAT YOU HAVE BELIEVED IN FOR SO LONG IS NO MORE! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN WITH NO ONE TO AID! SAY IT! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE!!!!"

Somewhere in the background is where I found the small quiet voice of my testimony and of the Holy Ghost. Both whispering those truths that had been strong through out my whole lifetime. It was these small voices that I devastating clawed after in the corners of my mind. It was very interesting, I find now and not at the time, that the Holy Ghost never left me. The Holy Ghost used its small calming voice that I so needed at the time.

In the midst of all this chaos in my head, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. It wasn't until after this blessing that I was able to calm myself and then, combined with the inspired questions my mom softly asked me, I began to hear the soft, gentle words. Words of my own testimony. It was as if the Holy Ghost was bearing my own testimony to me. Looking back it was truly a blessed and sacred moment that I feel compelled to share with all of you.

Sorry for the deafening silence over these last couple of months, but I don't even remember almost a month and a half anyway. So you are caught up with me now. lol Today I feel better. Still stiff. And my body feels medicated, which it totally is. We bombarded it with a huge arsenal of drugs to help with pain and to settle my body and mind. That is how things are now. I am on the homestretch of the pain cycle I have. I have had a night of horrid pain, physical, emotional, and mental. Now I am coming up to the top of the circle to hopefully have a few days of rest.

Pray please, everyone. I know that the power of prayer works and that a miracle occurred last night. I was given help to defeat my biggest challenger. This battle was won. But the war is not over yet.

Pictures from our February Trip

2010-02-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Visit to Idaho...

2010-02-17T21:39:00.003-07:00

Jerm, the kids and I just returned home from a visit to the grand ol' Horseshoe Bend. We had a great time. It was really nice to see home, my parents, and of course...Jenna Lee. Joie Kaye came home for the long weekend. Jordan and his sweet fiancee, Krista, surprised us as well. After begging them both, I guess they caved, but didn't share that tidbit of information with us. We were so excited to see everyone. Jerm finally got to meet the newby in the family. WE ALL LOVE KRISTA!!!!

Mom is holding up well. I don't know if she has ever been so grateful for her nursing background. She totally understands Jenna, and is ever so patient with her. I found myself watching mom frequently, thinking, "you are doing this with such grace, and patience. You are an amazing mom." I don't know if I could do everything that my mom is doing and still have a smile on my face. But she does, and my kids had so much fun running up to her and giving her kisses. Dani would go looking for Grandma first thing every morning. Grandma always had a hug and a smile for the kids. It was good to see my mom, hug her, and learn from her faith.

Dad is a poster board for the perfect everything. He is cooking, and taking care of everything. He woke up and asked the kids what they wanted for breakfast. My kids said blueberry pancakes. So what did Grandpa do? Went out to the freezers (cause there is four) and dug around til he found a bag of frozen blueberries. Guess who was the new hero? J.J. had blueberry pancakes almost every morning, all because of a sweet grandpa who wanted his grandkids to be happy. Dad is great!!! There is no other way to describe Dad, other than, he is great!!! I have found such strength from watching my parents. They have taught me so much, and I feel so blessed to have learned from their examples.

Now, for Jenna...She spends alot of time sleeping and trying to get comfortable. There were times that just getting to the point where she could sit down in her Lazy-boy recliner was too painful, and getting into her bed was excruciating. Watching the whole process and knowing what is eventually going to happen became more real to me this last week. We had some quality moments with Jenna. She spends a lot of her time confused, and hallucinaing. My mom and her play the balancing game with her pain meds to keep her comfortable but lucid. It is beyond difficult. Jenna is full of faith, and doing her best to perservere. She has been a hero to us all. Jerm shared an experience with me...while they were talking, Jenna kinda disengages from the conversation, she either closes her eyes or they get vacant, anyway, she closed her eyes, and Jerm waited patiently for her to come back. When she did, she said, "that was weird. I was taking orders at some diner, and someone across the street needed help. So I changed into my superhero clothes and went and saved everyone across the street. Cool Huh?" Both Jerm and I found that "moment" to be "cool" too. Jenna is doing well for the time being. I promise to keep everyone updated, as best as I can. Please feel free to contact me if you want more details. We love you all, and we are so grateful for all your prayers on our behalf. We Love You!!!!

Is It Bad When All My Body Wants To Do Is Sleep?

2010-01-22T18:35:00.006-07:00

Well. I think more than a few people would be fine with that problem, at least for a couple of days anyway. For the last three or four days sleeping is all my body wants to do and, frankly, I am getting sick of it. It is frustrating because everytime I blink it takes a while for my eyes to open and then to refocus. I was talking to my mom today and she said she has watched me while we have talked and has noticed my latest problem of keeping my eyes open. I think she finds it kinda funny. :( Which I guess it is if you are not me. :)

I am frustrated about it though because it takes forever for me to do anything because I am falling asleep all the time! At first I thought I was tired all the time because I was going to bed late and waking up later with just a little effect from the morphine. So last night, I went to bed earlier than I have been and got up way earlier than I have been to see if that would help. I do have to admit that I felt a little better throughout the day, but I still had the problem of falling asleep and things taking four times as long to complete.

When Dad called to say he was on his way home he asked what I had done today. I had very little to report. It was really sad and very dissapointing for me. I have a list of somethings to do and everytime I go to work on one of them, I fall asleep within a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how infuriating that can be. Especially when it happens time after time after time.

Through talking to my mom we have decided that it is purely morphine's fault that I am tired all the time. :( hmm. Why is it that the things that help us the most have to have to many bad and frustrating side effects to them? I wonder if that statement only pertains to things that are man made? hmm.

Other than my body wanting to sleep all the time I am doing very well. I don't hurt very much, thanks to the constant drip of morphine into my arm. So, I guess I am great. Lol. Until you consider the insane conflicting feelings of slight annoyance at the side effects of the morphine and grattitude for its numbing affects on my severe pain. Interesting, huh? Lol. :)

A New Chapter It Seems

2010-01-14T00:35:00.003-07:00

Today I left the hospital with the feelings of it being my last visit to Primary Children's Medical Center and the crushing weight of the reality of my too-soon-to-come death.

While at the hospital this week, I met with a hospice company that will be taking care of me and my family for the rest of my days here on Earth. I think that is what made the words "terminal cancer" hit closer to home. It had never bothered me much before, but now I have the overwhelming humanistic feeling that I am going to miss my family. I believe that I will see them again and even be around them until their time comes to move on. But I cannot feel the enveloping sadness that I won't be able to converse with them, tell them I love them, or complain about everyday maddening things.

I will pull through somehow, but for right now, as I left the hospital, I felt the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another one. The closing of the middle of my life and the opening of the beginning of the end. Like I said, I will pull through, just like we all do in times of strife. Yet for now, it is saddening for me.

Heading Home...

2010-01-13T19:55:00.003-07:00

Hey Everyone~

Here is a little update...Jenna was released from the Hospital today. She is staying with Aunt Shawna in Centerville, until her flight leaves on Friday. Yeah, Jenna!!! We are so glad that you are going home, and it sounds like you will have a bunch of visitors up in Horseshoe Bend.

TAKING OVER!!!!

2010-01-11T14:38:00.006-07:00

This is Nikki, I am doing my best to update people on Jenna's life, without taking over Jenna's blog. She has allowed me access to her blog to keep everyone updated, but I have also been given instructions as well. I know that when I call I am concerned I might interupt some precious moments of sleep, or something else, so I can imagine how others feel. I will do my best to keep everyone updated and informed on her condition and how she is feeling. Jenna has good news, she is no longer hearing music. We have no idea where this music came from, but she was definatly hearing it. It ranged from Sambas, and other Latin Music, to songs she actually recognized. But it is now gone!!!! Yeah for Jenna!!!!

Jenna spent some time talking with a few doctors that she didn't appreciate. She has a few pointers for the future doctors that are reading this blog. #1. Ask the question you want answered, but if I happen to expand on the answer, don't stick your hand in my face. #2 Don't leave after asking a question without giving me time to give you an answer.

Jenna has really appreciated people stopping by and visiting with her. She says she never has a dull moment in the evenings. Everyone is so wonderful!!! Jenna wants to appoligize, if you showed up on Thursday...she was slightly out of it due to being over-medicated on morphine. I told her that I wish that I was invited to that party!!!!

Jenna and Mom are hoping that they are able to be released from the hospital and return home to Horseshoe Bend on Tuesday. Everyone keep your fingers crossed and Jenna in your prayers.

Hopefully I finish this before I fall asleep. :)

2009-12-19T02:55:00.003-07:00

I wanted to post a couple of things today. Why today more than the last . . . um. . .60? I really don't know. It was a good day today and I wasn't even on that many drugs. lol ;) Therefore since I wasn't on very many drugs I remember a lot more of today than yesterday or the past . . . well. . . week or two.

I'll try a quick update, but as you know I am long winded and nothing I type is really short. I was in Salt Lake this last weekend to see my docs. Sorry to all the people I wasn't able to see, but I hope you understand when I get done. If not, please forgive me for my shortcomings and seeming thoughtlessness, but do know that I do want to spend time with everyone and that means EVERYONE and that is A LOT of people. I don't have the energy nor the stamina anymore and I am afraid to overdo because when I do I pay. I still do things though, just not as many things so I try to spend time . . . I guess with those that I think will need the memories the most.

Anyway (see. . . no shortness here. lol), I was able to find some CHEAP tickets to SLC and so I booked three flights. One in December, January, and February. Since the last time I was down I decided to see my doc more often and plan things out. Makes me fee more. . . secure? . . . comfortable? . . . whatever. So the plan was to fly in on Thursday, hang out with family, cousins, and friends, then go see my doc on Monday and fly out Tuesday. Well, things didn't go according to plan, as everyone knows things never do!

I had gone to Boise State's last football game and had a TON of "once in a life time" experiences. I got to go, for one. I've been going to Boise State since 2003 and never been to a game so I really wanted to go. What I did not expect was that once I spoke it quite a few people wanted to grant it! The last one I went with some family friends that have quite a few connections within the team, their son having worked for the team and a daughter who is . . . well, very likable and would do well in just about anything. Anyway, I went to the game and LOVED it! The atmosphere was incredible! Almost better than a Jazz game now days. lol I got to go out onto the "Smurf Turf" and get pictures taken with one of the players! I was so much fun! I'm thankful to Grints for arranging that. It is definitely something I won't forget anytime soon. :)

After the game, however, I started to hurt, like a knew I would. Happens every time. I go do something fun. . . I get slammed down with pain usually for a day or two. I was fine while I was in the moment, but as soon as the adrenaline, or whatever, left my system I was hurtin' and nothing I had would sooth the pain for very long. Three hours at the max. It was ridiculous and, I'm sure, really hard for my Mommy and my Daddy to deal with. One night I woke up just sobbing. I had worn myself out so much that I didn't wake up when my body started to tell me I was hurting. BIG MISTAKE!!! When I start hurting like that it is almost impossible to recover without a reset to my system. That is, a big hit of narcotics to my body that resets my pain level. It starts out small, maybe a harmless little 2, on the pain scale. I can handle a 2. after all it is just a 2! I've had WORSE. I ignore the pain. Nothin' big. Just a two. Well, what was a 2 can exponentially turn in to a 8, 9, or 10 in a matter a days, hour, or minutes. The exponential growth varies sometimes do to activity and sometimes just escalates because it can!

Anyway, I called my doc up on Tuesday (or wrote an email, I don't remember because I was under so much medication for the pain) and told him how much I was hurting and how much pain meds I was taking. He said to come in as soon as I landed!

I called up Aunt Cheryl, feeling completely apologetic, but knowing that she was one of the few people I didn't feel completely horrible about corrupting their schedule and invading her home (which I still felt, just less of) and asked a) if I could stay at her house, b)if she could pick me up at the airport in a couple days, and, c) since I am now under the influence of narcotics 24/7, if she could take me to the hospital right after she picked me up and then two other times during the weekend. Without a second thought, she told me she could do it right then and there. I broke down into tears at the end of the phone call just in gratitude for Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl. They would stop the world for just about anybody if they could and still bend over backwards trying to do so knowing that they can't. It touches my heart so much I think because I wanted to be able to be doing that by now and not be at the RECEIVING end of it! Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl have been there so many times for me and my family it blows my mind and pushes me to the verge of tears. Only to the verge sadly, because it hurts my ribs so much to cry I am unintentionally training my body to become less emotional.

Well, my plane landed, Aunt Cheryl picked me up and up to Primary Children's we went. When I got there, the nurses took one look at me and said, as if i had just said it, "You are not feeling good today. Are you." Tears started coming and I knew I was in the right place for being taken care of (or to hook me up with "the good stuff" if you look at it from my facetious druggie point-of-view lol). Dr. Barnette came in and talked to be a bit, gave me some pills (because I had just, ironically, took my last ones that morning), and sent me to get a CT of my lower back and hips to check for bone integrity. Basically to see if any of my bones were in more danger than usual of breaking. He said the bones looked good, besides the tumors of course, and put me on a fentanyl patch. :)

Just for the . . . uh, non-junkies or medical field people. fentanyl is an awesome drug! It doesn't stay in the system for very long, but it is one of my favs. lol For me it is like a heal all drug. It get rid of whatever pain I'm in, makes everything seem Okie dokie, and puts me to sleep, a very enjoyable and elusive luxury to me. I don't feel many of those good effects while on the patch, but I get plenty of the bad ones, mainly nausea, drowsiness (tired when I don't want to be), and forgetfulness (which occasionally leads to feeling stupid or sad and frustrated). How the patch works is incredible. It is sticky like a sticker and I just stick it to my skin and the fentanyl absorbs through my skin and into my blood stream. For those that remember, I revolted from these same fentanyl patches around 6 months ago. Things are different now. My pain has increased so I am more willing to take more powerful drugs. Pain is one thing that I hate with a passion and one of the few things I fear. I fear pain that has run amok and nothing is working on it. My worst nightmares right there. One of them anyway.

So Dr. Barnette puts me on this patch and so my body has to get used to the new drug. lol. I head to the mall Thursday or Friday night with Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl in Uncle Fred's Suburban. We go to get onto the freeway, just past Farmington, and I am getting more nauseated the longer we drive. ;/ We had just past the Chevron, which is the last place I could see for probably five or ten miles with a public bathroom, and I finally spoke up. "Uncle Fred? Could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, Jen. Waddya nee-"

I was in too much of a hurry to be as polite as I normally am and interrupted, "Can you turn around to that Chevron . . . so I can throw up?"

He turned a fast "U"-ie and got me back to the Chevron ASAP where I ran to the bathroom and threw up part of the lovely dinner Aunt Cheryl made. :( lol But wait! There's more.

They bought me a sprite, hoping it would calm my stomach down, and we continued, at my assurance that I was fine, on the road to Layton. We got to the place where Uncle Fred needed to get refills for his planner. While he was in shopping, I start to get nauseated! Again! I go outside to see if the fresh air calms my tummy. No chance. I rushed to the clerk and asked, as fast as politeness goes, "Do you have a public restroom?" Lucky for me they did. I had to rush it though. I barely made it though. I even had to do a little clean up job after I was done.

This all seems rather ridiculous now. More so because there is more!

We got to the mall. Shopped for a few hours and then headed back home. On the way home, I started to get nauseated. . . again! This time we were in the middle of nowhere so I just asked Uncle Fred if he could pull over, which he promptly did and after which I promptly got out and puked my guts out more. Three times in three hours!! Totally ridiculous!

Thankfully, I can laugh about the whole fiasco now due to the few times I heard Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Fred tell it with heart-felt humor and sympathy.

Sadly I don't mind throwing up anymore. It has just become part of life these last almost four years. Time has gone by incredibly fast at a very slow pace. If that makes any sense at all.

Well, I am falling asleep and have fought the melatonin I took long enough. :) Good diarrhea of the keyboard though. lol And I didn't even get to some of the thoughts I wanted to post. Well. More material for coming days. Hopefully soon. :)

Love Always.

Jenna Lee

Crap! It is SOOOOO LATE!!! DON'T MAKE ME PAY FOR THIS, BODY. Please. I have much to look forward to this week and I would really like to feel good so I can keep up with the family. :/

An Insight

2009-11-10T01:18:00.003-07:00

First I would like to say sorry for hiding. I promised I would be honest, but honesty, I feel, is sometimes hard to voice. This is an email I sent to a friend of mine after my last visit to PCMC, October 29. It is really how I feel. I have decided to give everyone another insight. It has been long overdue. So here you go. . .

"I am bummed that we didn't get to talk, but considering your schedule and my bad timing I wasn't sure you were going to be free. So I will give you an update so you at least are in the loop. I didn't learn anything that I already didn't know really. The tumors that we knew about are bigger which I knew because my pain has increased. I have a couple of new tumors in my lungs which I didn't know about but that is just how things go for me now days so it was expected.

"I have been having a hard time making the choice on whether to quit treatment or not. I came down here totally convinced that I was done. Overcooked, black, and all crispy. :) When I got to the clinic on Monday though I wasn't so sure. After being around people that I could talk openly and freely about how I feel and not worry about any backlash, a part of me considered to keep going with treatments. And the big kicker was that I knew what I wanted to do, but was too ashamed to voice my opinion. I felt like saying "I'm done with treatments" would crush other people's point of view. . . or hope. . . or whatever of/for me. I have. . . The Cancer has caused way to much pain and I don't want to inflict more, but I know that there is no way around that. I mean. . . sorry to be so blunt, but I am going to die and that is going to cause people in my family to be sad. But whether I chose to do chemo or not will not effect that outcome so preventing pain is not anything I have control over.

"I finally realized that I knew what I wanted to do. I had a choice between: 1- hanging on to the edge of a cliff . . . which is what I have been doing and for which I don't have the strength to do anymore and 2- just jumping off the dang cliff (because that is how it is going to end anyway) and enjoy a small flight on the way down. :) I am tired. I am worn down. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of the shameful burden of thinking "Well, maybe". . . not maybe. . . "I hope this is what finally does me in." I am so sick of it and I don't want to put up with it anymore.

"Every time I have been hurting excruciatingly I have just asked Heavenly Father, "When? How much longer must I endure this?" My answer was, "Not for much longer." I have taken comfort in that. :) I know that could be weird for me to tell you that, but I felt impressed to. Take it for what it is. Whatever it is. :) lol

"I knew if I left today without making a decision, my decision would be to not decide and therefore not take the brunt of chaos and flack that may, or may not come my way. It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to stop treatment. For now anyway. Dr. Barnette made it perfectly clear that does not have to be it. I could change my mind if I want to. Right now though, I can't believe the peace, happiness, and gratitude that filled me once I made the decision that I have wanted to make for almost three weeks now. I just never wanted to voice it.

So we came up with a plan for keeping in touch. I am going to be in at least once a month. I know as I get feeling worse I am going to want to be around more just for the moral support. . ."

Anyway. now you know what I know. :)

Jenna Lee

P.S. Am I all grown up now? lol"

Truely, after making this decision I have felt a peace and happiness I haven't felt in a while. Two weeks later I feel the same. Although on Sunday I started sobbing and I didn't even know why. I mean besides the obvious. I hadn't been thinking about things. Don't really know what I was thinking about now that I think about it. I had gotten done talking to my Stake President about how "what was up" and just left the group to go get a drink. I was alone and just started to sob. It wasn't very long because I knew I had to "suck it up". It wasn't the time or the place to break down. . . as if there is any time or place for that. . .

Anyway now everyone knows what I know, finally. See you next post. I'm not promising anything though. :) 'Til next time.

Jenna Lee

Check this out!

2009-10-15T01:20:00.002-06:00

I was on facebook and one of my friends posted this clip from youtube. Lol. It gave me some long overdue laughs and smiles. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAp6KkMZUD8#movie_player

Oh, and there was kind of a mix up. I started working on the pictures from Butchart Gardens before I posted the one about the greatest picture overload. So if you have just been flipping to my blog and not scrolling down, then you have missed Butchart. It is pretty! Check it out as well.

Hope you enjoy it all. I'm waiting to post more pics because Erika is sending me hers and she has some good photos at the Vancouver Aquarium. As soon as I get them, I'll try to post quickly. :)

Have a good day!

Get Ready for the Best Picture Overload Ever!

2009-10-10T03:27:00.004-06:00

As a family, we took over two thousand pictures! Crazy! That takes a ton of sifting through for the best, and there are a TON of "the best" pictures. That is why it has been taking so long to post. Plus add not feeling that great to the pile and it really has taken a while. I'll add the picture post I've been working for our day in Victoria hopefully tomorrow. :) Until then!

P.S. Erika has all the family photos from the trip. She's working on getting them for me. Until then I'm working with what I got. So lucky Jon and Britt get this time in the spotlight.

Vancouver Day Three!

2009-10-06T23:25:00.012-06:00

A bit behind, but oh, well. Better late than never right? :)

Getting to Victoria!

The only way to get to Victoria from Vancouver is to take a ferry! That was a first for me and was pretty fun. We went through a bunch of islands and it was so pretty.

It was so cool to see the wake of this huge ship! Kinda fun to see where you have been.

Getting ready to dock! It took forever!

The Butchart Gardens!

Finally! We left the house around 8 o'clock in the morning to be sure to catch the ferry at 9:30. We finally got to the gardens around 11 o'clock. It was a lot of traveling time for just a day trip!

Pictures of People

Family picture at Butchart Gardens.

I really liked these flowers. They were pretty. I wish I had gotten a closer picture of them. Oh well.

I love this shot I took of Jon and Brit! They take some really romantic photos. :)

Roses with my Daddy. Roses for my Daddy! :)

Pictures of Flowers

I love taking pictures of flowers just after it rains! I love to see the drops on the flowers. For some reason there is peace for me in the beauty of it all.

The flowers in Butchart Gardens were huge, as you can see. These pink flowers were so beautiful and being as big as they were just added to it. Around every turn in the gardens there was something else that was breathtaking. It was wonderful!

I loved this flower just because of how odd and different it looks. I think Mom said it was a pinwheel flower which would be an adequate name for it. :) Isn't it beautiful?!

Even the simple and everyday flowers looked gorgeous!

This was in the Rose Garden. They all looked the same to me. :) This one caught my eye because of the water within its petals. Right after I took this picture I looked up to see Jerrod taking a similar picture. I got a kick out of that. :)

There was an area within the gardens with a bunch of baskets hanging from a twenty by twenty foot skeleton of a shed (or something similar). It was beautiful! I even had to duck down in some places to not hit my head! These were in one of those hanging baskets.

I didn't see these flowers, but Nikki or Joie did. It is a pretty flower and picture. It qualifies as a favorite because I love the spiral flare of its petals.

These are pretty too. I like how different the petals are arranged. It isn't the typical arrangement of a flower. I do wish Joie had got something to compare the size to because I don't remember how big they were.

This flower I remember! It was as big as my head! Everyone was stopping to take pictures of it though so I didn't stop. Lol. I borrowed this picture from Joie. Thanks Jo!

Views from Within the Gardens

This is a pond within the Sunken Gardens. The Sunken Gardens is a garden that Mrs. Butchart transformed from an old stone quarry! It is unbelievable to see the the before and after pictures of this place. It is amazing and inspiring! Things are really what they are made out to be by their creators.

This is the house built and lived in by the Butcharts. It is right on the grounds. The Butcharts, after cultivating and making the gardens what they are, they opened the grounds up to the public to share the beauty of the land and their gift of gardening with the rest of the world. I am so thankful that they did. It was peaceful, beautiful, wonderful, and amazing experience to walk through the acres and acres of flowers.

This is a view of the Sunken Gardens that had that pond in it. You can't see it in this picture, but there is a smokestack in the background on the right hand side. The smokestack was used when the Sunken Gardens was a quarry.

Dad kept asking me why I was taking pictures of under the bushes. :) Lol. I kept telling him that beauty is all realitive. I love this picture because of the peace that is in it. The branches and leaves of the bushes have protected the ground beneath from the rain, wind, and elements of the world around us. I have wished for that feeling of peace, protection, and wonderful comfort for these past four years. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it isn't. I am thankful when it is . . . and yearning for it when it's not.

From the outside looking in. From a dark corner looking forward into lighter, brighter, happier paths.

This is in the Japanese Garden portion of Butchart. This part of the garden was one of my favorites. It had water falls, peaceful ponds, and a unique beauty. It was a great place to go and contemplate, ponder, and relax. I could have stayed there for a while. That is until I drove myself nuts with my own thoughts. Lol.

I got a picture of this spot, but Joie got a better one. Mine was from the other side. From here the bridge sticks out more and you can see more of the Japanese Garden. So beautiful. :) Thanks Jo for letting me use the picture. :)

This garden is within a small greenhouse. It was so pretty I couldn't NOT take a picture. Lol. :)

The "Sign In" book. :) This time there is more family on it. :) I wish I had caught out comments so that we could remember what we wrote. Oh well. :)

After Butchart, we found a place to go to the beach. I really wanted to go because I thought it would be a sin to be so close to the ocean and not go to a beach. :) Lol. It wasn't very big and there weren't any good seashells so I'll have to plan another trip. DANG! Lol. I would like to go to the Oregon coast sometime. I hear it is pretty there too. Sigh. Maybe next year. :)

After the beach, we wandered around downtown. This is the capital building of British Columbia. We were taking pictures of it and the lights came on! It was gorgeous and way unexpected. There was a guy there taking pictures and he must have been a professional. He had a good camera and his pictures were coming out really beautiful! I was impressed. I watched him and gave him praise for quite a while. I'm sure he thought I was totally weird. ;) lol.

This is a picture from the pier just in front of the capital building. It was amazing to see the calm waters and the lights reflecting off of the water. Really pretty. :) This was on the way to the car. We had to go because the last ferry was leaving in a couple hours (at 9:00pm) and Jerrod and Dad were afraid we were going to miss it. That would have been bad. Lol. All of our clothes and everything were back at the house in Lions Bay! Northwest of Vancouver. :0 Lol.

We were so tired and worn out on the way back home. We left Victoria around 7:30 to be sure to make the ferry at 9:00. The ferry ride was an hour and a half long and then we had to drive for another hour and a half to get to the house. Everyone was dead tired. Joie and Jordan even fell asleep on the floor! We got back to the house around midnight. I was so tired that I even went to bed without blogging. That is why this is so late! But it was a great, wonderful, busy, beautiful day!

Slight Blogging Break

2009-10-04T01:02:00.004-06:00

Sorry everyone. I'm going to have to finish up blogging my fabulous trip once I get home. I haven't had enough time to even look through all 2000 (joint effort) pictures since my biking accident. See my Facebook page for more details on that. I must warn ya though it is pretty gross. I'll add it here when I have a chance. Right now I have to get to bed. We leave tomorrow morning for Seattle at NINE AM! I am in trouble. :( Well, see ya when I get back!

Jenna Lee

Vancouver Day Two!

2009-09-30T01:13:00.016-06:00

The Telus World of Science!!

This place was like candy for me. I am such a junky and a nerd. :) It was amazing. There are exhibits all over. There are signs by each exhibit that tell you what to do, but then it is up to you to figure out what it does and how or why it does what it does. I could have spent a few days in there. On the first floor had tables that were full of different puzzles to sit down and do. It took so much time to do just 3 that I figured that if I did the puzzles then i wouldn't be able to see the rest of the place and I really, really wanted to.

The first thing we did though, for a half an hour was look at Optical Illusions. We had so much fun just trying to figure out why our eyes were seeing things the way they were. For example in the picture to the right, squares A and B are the same shade! We didn't believe it at first, but then Jerrod covered up the squares surrounding B and sure enough, the squares are the same shade. There was an illusion of Einstein that when you looked at it you couldn't tell if it was a depression in the wall or if it was poking out. Then if you moved his head turned to follow you! It was way creepy.

In this illusion to the left, the picture looks like a spiral, but if you look closely it isn't a spiral at all, but a bunch of circles nested inside each other!

Another fun illusion was of a wheel that spun on the wall. You looked at it for twenty seconds. It was a spirally kind, but the spiral changed directions a few times as it swirled toward the center. Anyways, after you look at it after twenty seconds you look away at the back of your hand or at someones face and your eyes perceive that the skin on your had is bulging in some parts and sucking back in others. Jerrod compared it to the effects of the fruit the guys ate in the movie The Rundown. It was hilarious to see everyone's reaction.

In the illusion to the right, the rings around the center looks like squares with rounded corners, but if you look closely and trace one with a finger, you will find that it is actually a circle! Crazy huh?!

After going through some of the optical illusions, we went and saw the omnimax movie that was showing:
It was all about how the body handles
risk and followed base jumpers and skydivers around. It was fun to see on the humongous screen. It was dome shape and the movie was projected on it and it literally surrounded you. It could make you dizzy if you weren't careful! It was thrilling to just see people jumping out of airplanes and off of cliffs and then see it from their point of view. I have decided that I need to figure out something that will give me an adrenaline rush so that I can have the blissful peace after it. :) That sounded wonderful to me. :)

After the movie we played around with the different activities. Joie and Brit had a blast on the shadow wall! Unfortunately hardly any of the pictures worked out, this was the only one. Anyway, how this works is you go and make a pose in front of the screen. There is a bright, flash of light and then you walk away from the screen and see your shadow produced on the screen! They had so much fun. I swore a giggle fest erupted in that room. ;) I am just glad other people enjoyed Science World as much as I did. It also felt good to let my inner child out and just let it run. :)

Science World in located in downtown Vancouver. This was the first I was able to see it during the day. It is amazing to see all the houses up on the hillsides. The hills are steep and instead of digging out some earth for a better foundation, these guys just use the earth around them and place beams under the house to make it even. I hope an earthquake never hits the Vancouver area because a TON of houses will be destroyed. As we were headed back to the house, we saw this view. I snapped the picture for: a- a reminder, and b- because I swear that the houses spell something. The neighborhoods are cut out of the trees so straight that it looks like there could be some letters. Lol. I think I spent too much time using my brain. Now it is trying to make something from scenarios that are absolutely just that way, not done for a reason for a trick or whatever. I think that would have been cool, but whatever.

While trying to find our way back to the house we drove by this restaurant Dae-Ji. It is a Korean resaurant that specializes in pork. In fact, "dae ji" means pork, I am told. I didn't care much about what I have written. Lol. I had Joie snap the pic because of the cute little pig. He is so cute and it reminded me of Aunt Cheryl, the pig-o-maniac, well the collector of pigs anyway. Lol.

When we got home, I snapped this pic. It is the view from the road before you decend down the mountain twenty feet to get into the house. Lol. It looked gorgeous, especially since it rained most of last night and this morning. It stoped while we were in Science World and ended up being a beautiful rest of the day. I wished that Jordan and Jon would have come with us. It would have been a wonderful opportunity to go and bike the seawall in Stanely Park. I just hope we get the chance to do that. I would love to get out and see the lighthouses, the beach, the ocean waves crashing on the beach. With weather the way it has been, which is mostly rainy, I'm praying that we will get another bright, sunny day.

This is the view off the balcony of the house. It was gorgeous tonight. All week we have had gray clouds at sunset and it was nice to see an actual sunset. Not the prettiest I have seen, but I love the picture. I love the ocean and hope that I have a chance to get in it a little.

When we got home, we fixed dinner and then played games. I had to stay busy today because cancer thoughts followed closely behind me. If I ever left my brain on idle, to soak in the sun's rays through a window for example, it was a spiralling downward hole which is hard to get out of. It is just hard sometimes to forget the reason for this trip. It is a family vacation. We are to spend time as a family, strengthening bonds, and making memories so that when the worst comes people can have something happy to remember. After a few people didn't go with us today, I have been nervous about the rest of the schedule. There are going to be even more things people won't think they are interested in and therefore skip to save money. It makes me sad the some people priorities are not how they should be. I just have to remember that it was their choice not to come and their choice had nothing to do with me. I need to let it go and not blame myself for their actions. Stop telling myself thing like, "If I had planned better things they would have come" or "if I had taken the time to tell them more about it they would have come," and not be bummed or sad about upcoming adventures. I used to be really excited to go to Victoria, which is what we are doing tomorrow, but now I don't even know why we came to Vancouver. People just wanna stay home and watch tv or play games anyway. We could have just had a pow wow in Huricane. It would have been much cheaper, I wouldn't have like it as much, but everyone else would have.

It is no fun when you have planned all these activities that you think people will really enjoy and that you are totally excited about and then with people's actions and comments all of that excitement is squashed, deflated and nervousness, frustration, and sadness all comes crashing down, which all of the frustration and sadness have spontaneously surfaced with no spawning thought from me lately. They are right under the surface of the umbrella which is over all of the feelings, thoughts, and sorrow that I have been trying to suppress for so long. I can't suppress things for very long anymore, I don't have the energy or whatever to keep that up for very much longer. Pretty soon I am going to crash. Just cry hard for no other reason than I cannot handle it that day and let it all out so that hopefully I will be able to shove it all back under that umbrella or attach it to an anchor and throw it overboard and pray someone hastn't attached a bouy. :(

Anyway, I am on vacation. I DO NOT need this right now. A vacation implies that you are going away, leaving problems behind, taking a respit. Not so in my case, but I am going to try my hardest to make it that way.

Vancouver Day One!

2009-09-29T00:44:00.006-06:00

Capilano Suspension Bridge

This place was amazing! There were tall trees that blocked us from the rain, beautiful ponds on the Eco-Walk trail, shockingly high cliffs, and tons of fun! The best way to do this post is just to post the best pics and then comment on them. After all a picture is worth a thousand words, right?

The Visitor's Log

Capilano Canyon was called so because of the Capilano Indian tribe that lived in the area. They were not known for their totem pole making, but for their trapping and hunting skills. When "White Man" came and started foresting the trees in the canyon, the Capilano's helped them out. I am not sure how exactly, but anyway, they ended up doing totem poles. They are huge, beautiful creations.

Crossing the Bridge!!!

Crossing the bridge was exciting and played with your sense of balance! It was so much fun. All you had to do was match your steps with the person in front of you and the bridge would begin to sway. Needless to say, it takes a while to find your . . . uh . . . "Bridge Legs" and then once you get off the bridge on to solid ground it takes a while to stop feeling like you are still swaying up on the bridge. Also, the closer you got to the ends the harder you had to work because someone walking across would be stealing your "bounce" like on a tramp, so all of the energy put forth to make it up the slope is lost and more energy is needed. Erika and I had fun with this concept on the Eco-Walk trail, which I will talk about a little later. Lol.

The river was so far down! Good thing I'm not afraid of heights! :) Well, as long as there is something there to keep me from falling I guess I'm not afraid of heights. Lol. Without the "railings" I'm sure I would have had a problem!

So far down! In the shadows on the left we could see young Salmon swimming near the bank. It was pretty and acrobatical! One would be swimming and then all of a sudden it would flip upside down and we could get a glimpse of it's beautiful silver looking belly. It was amazing to be so high up and still be able to see that.

The Eco-Walk!!

On the other side of the bridge there was a plank trail made for tourists to explore the forest. It was awesome! It went down and under the bridge, then further up the mountain to where a few ponds lay, and then it goes up into the trees! Like the Ewoks in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. There were suspended bridges going back and forth between huge, thick trees. There was a sign that said that the suspension bridges gave the trees exercise. I am not for sure how, but Erika got a picture of the sign. I'll post it in this post later. Anyway, up in the Ewok part of the Eco-Walk is where Erika and I had fun. If you ran across the bridge and someone chased you, you ran out of steam trying to get to the other side and sometimes the bounces from their steps gave you more bounce while you were in the middle of the bridge, launching you forward! Yes I was able to run a bit. More of a jog really. :o It was like I was a kid again. Nothing mattered. I even played in the water and with the fish in one of the ponds! It was hilariously funny, I'm sure, to see a 24 year old girl having fun like a three year old! :) I didn't care. Like I said last night, I'm going to have fun, even if it kills me. Well, I guess I'm willing to put that to the test. :)

Looking up into the protecting treetops!

Trout Lake

It was full of fish. While Erika was taking a picture of me I got distracted by some of the fish jumping out trying to catch water skeeters. :) That was something I hadn't seen for years. The last time was at my Grandpa's Ranch. It gave me a thrill to see it again. I took this picture lying on my tummy on the boardwalk. I stayed like that for a while and swirled my fingers around in the cool water. It was great fun. :D

Part of the Eco-Walk Trail

I loved being in the trees! It was beautiful with greens, browns, yellows, ponds, streams, and a protective covering of the treetops from the rain that started to fall. It was peaceful. I could have stayed there for a long time, just relaxing, taking in all the sounds of birds, squirrels, and bugs. I can not describe how much I loved it. I am so thankful that I chose to come to Canada. It is so breathtakingly beautiful that has resonating shouts that there is a God and that he created all that I see. Everything lives in harmony. The old fallen trees becoming nurseries for new fronds and trees. Feeling the pull of the bridges on the trees and the trees pulling back causing you to sway with the trees. Feeling the soft textures of the bark of all the old trees and the old planks of wood that made the boardwalk, worn down by thousands of shoes. Feeling the hard bark of the new saplings. Seeing the moss growing on new trees and old alike. Listening to the little streams putter their way past you to eventually plummet over the edge of the coming precipice. It was marvelous and I felt rejuvenated, uplifted, and blessed to be a part of it.

Everything seems to grow big in British Columbia. Even their spiders! Nikki almost walked right into this spider's web. I'm sure that would not have gone over well. :) Lol. I was very impressed by it's size, although, I am sure they are bigger somewhere out there. :)

As we neared the end of the Eco-Walk it started to sprinkle. After we got back across the bridge and done purchasing some Capilano souvenirs, it wasn't sprinkling anymore. As I was walking out I caught this out of the corner of my eye and I am so pleased so see that the picture turned out like I saw it. It was a beautiful, blessed day.

Pictures from the last post

2009-09-28T05:21:00.004-06:00

The airplane ride to Seattle!

Jordan and I were so bored after about 10 minutes into the flight! lol

When Joie flies she needs to find here happy place where things like gravity, pitch, roll, turbulence, and, most important, STOMACHS don't exist. lol

I have no idea what Mom and Dad did on the flight, but I wanted a photo and the best ones of them are the ones where they are caught unawares. :)

In flight Photography

Mount Rainier! Isn't it BEAUTIFUL?!

The Sea of the Cascade Mountains. Pretty!

Puget Sound From Tacoma. Actually from the parking lot of the church we went to on a ridge just up above the bay. It was pretty. It is too bad that camera's don't always catch the things that take your breath away. :(

The Monument at the US/Canada Border

Vancouver!!!

2009-09-28T03:50:00.004-06:00

Yea! We are finally here!

Today seemed like a week! We left our house at 8:30am to get on our flight to Seattle, Washington. By the time we got through security and to our gate, they had already seated our section (Southwest does seating a little funky, lol) and so we just jumped ahead of the line to board. Mom and Dad sat together on the flight and Joie, Jordan, and I sat together. It was a short flight of about an hour.

The views outside the window were amazing! I love the Cascades! It was so cool to see the topography from an airplane! We were able to see all of the dormant volcanoes that dot the plain lands and through the Cascades and flew right by Mount Rainier!! It was wonderful and it made me miss Grandpa Hale terribly. I wish that he could have been there to point out all of the geological marvels that we flew by. I had tons of geology questions. It is easy to think geology for me when I am in the air. I can see things so clearly from that point of view. I love it. :)

Since we got to Seattle so early, we went to church in the Skyway Ward. It was a wonderful ward and the people were so friendly. The spirit flowed strongly throughout testimony meeting and then through Sunday school. By the time Relief Society started I was hurting to bad to pay attention to anything. I had been sitting for too long and I was pretty cold. Two things that can spark bad pain attacks. I do not like it. After the meetings, the ward has a tradition of "Break the Fast" where they do a potluck and break the fast together! They had invited us fourteen gajillion times . . . and . . . well . . . we were hungry! So we went. Lol. Talk about feeling out of place, but welcome all at the same time. They were pleased that we would come and join them. The people in that ward know how to make people comfortable. ;) People were always asking us who we were, where we were from, if we were visiting or had moved into the ward, and then making the rounds again to talk to us again about anything! It was fun! I felt pretty special in that ward. They didn't know us from Adam, but were still willing to share all that they had. It was truly ONE CHURCH! No lost sheep in that congregation. And in testimony meeting there was not one quiet stretch of time! It was person after person, group after group! And it was pretty entertaining. Never a dull moment where you wished you could fall asleep like there are so many times on fast Sundays. Lol. It was great.

After that, we hung out in the rental cars until Nikki, Jeremy, Jerrod, Erika, Jon, and Brit's flights came in. Joie, Jordan and I played a card game to pass the time and had a hilarious time! Once everyone was packed in the vans, we got a quick bite to eat at Jack in the Box by the Qwest Field, the closest I have ever been to a NFL game, lol, and then hit the road for Vancouver!

None of us were prepared for how long it would take. lol I still don't know how long it took, but I think around three to three and a half hours. I was so cold that my right hip was starting to act up again and there was nothing I could really do about it. Everyone in the car was hot so the A/C would go on, then I got too cold so the heater would go on! Eventually, as we got into North Vancouver, they left the heat on and rolled down their windows. lol I had my heat and they kinda had their cold. :)

The stop at the boarder was uneventful, thank goodness! They do have a cool monument there that has a cool saying on it. I knew I wouldn't remember it, so I had Erika write it down. Unfortunately, I am blogging at 4:30 in the MORNING! Erika is fast asleep, so I will get it later. The picture is the only souvenir I got. THEY DIDN'T EVEN STAMP PASSPORTS! The whole point behind getting a passport is to get the stamps to brag about the places you've been to outside of the country, right?! Sigh. I'll live though. :)

Well. There is nothing else to write about right now. I am going to do my best in posting while in Vancouver. It is a special experience and should be documented. :) Plus, I know I have about 50 people who will be excited to see that I have posted. :) At Jordan's homecoming and other places, so many people commented on how I haven't been writing. It was funny to me at first, but then I realized that more people were reading my thoughts and feelings than I was aware of. Not only that though, people have been wanting more. It made me feel shocked, humbled, and loved.

Recently, I have had the overpowering awareness of how many people are . . . touched? . . . by me. It is an uncomfortable feeling for me because I don't feel like I am doing anything that should evoke kinds of words and feelings like: "hero", "I look up to you", "You touch my heart", etc. It troubles me so much, but last night after I had packed, I picked up a very special book to me. When I had been released from Primary Children's Medical Center after my bone marrow transplant (BMT) my outpatient coordinator gave me a children's book called "The Blue Spot". It is about a blue spot that hangs out in the book and has everything it needs until one day (today) it decides it is missing something and asks you to tilt the book to the right. It runs (like blue watercolor) across the pages! You finally say, "Hold on! Where are you going? This is my book and you belong in it!" The spot replies that for so long he has had everything he needed, but now he is curious to see if there are any more spots in the book and to see if they would be his friend. Knowing the value of friendship, you decide to tip the book to the right and follow the blue spot to the end of the book where a yellow spot is found! Then you slightly close the book and the colors run together to make a green spot. New friends right there at the end! Anyway, it is not the story that I love about the book. My outpatient coordinator had all of my nurses, doctors, fellows, and anyone who has helped me through the last (at the time) two and a half years at the hospital sign the book. When I opened it for the first time I was overwhelmed by the comments in the pages. They were all touching and along the lines of love, spirit, hero, example, happiness, joy, etc.

When I picked that up last night and reread the comments in the book, I felt overcome with love, tenderness, remembrance of hope at being done with cancer treatments that had turned into sorrow when I relapsed AGAIN and finding hope in something else, and trying to figure out what exactly is going on inside my thoughts. It is a muddy maze without any clues as to where to go from where I am. I am trying to find out where I am in the maze with no vision of how big the maze is or what it even looks like. It is quiet frustrating, frightening, and lonely trapped in the head on my shoulders. Not knowing if what I am thinking is actually how I feel or if it is the front I put up for other people to see.

For example, I am a different person when I am at home and when I am up at Primary Children's. At home, we don't acknowledge the big elephant in the room and continue our lives as if it doesn't exist. At Primary Children's, my emotions are close to the surface and I cry most of the time I spend with particular people. It isn't fair to those people that from the moment I see them, I cry. They wish with all their heart they could do something to take away the heartache, sorrow, shame, and anguish that floods my being at that moment. I stop crying, out of habit. So now I am wondering which person am I really? Am I the person that doesn't mind not mentioning the Huge White Elephant in the room? Or am I so distraught that I need to talk about it? When I have talked about it it feels good at the time, but then that goes away, and I am left with all the overpowering sad, down trodden feelings that I don't know what to do with, but ignore them. So does that mean that I am in denial of what is really going on and am not working within the realms of reality, or am I just following the crowd I spend most of my time in and am comfortable with how "things roll"?

I do not know and this is what bogged down my brain as we drove from Seattle to Vancouver. Sometimes crying. Most of the time trying to crowd out the thoughts with the heavy bass booms of the music playing in the car and then trying to keep my brain busy so it couldn't go back to the black cloud. So which one am I? Or do I play all the parts and just pick and choose which one depending on the people I am around so that I can get their attention? I DO NOT LIKE THIS FRAME OF MIND! I WISH IT TO STOP AND TO STOP IT MUST! THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE FUN! EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!

Extremely Odd Hour For a Post LOL

2009-09-01T13:50:00.003-06:00

Yes it is not my normal time, but I am taking advantage of feeling good while I feel good. :)

Yesterday was almost a breaking point. I was so sick and tired of hurting that I didn't even take pain pills in the morning when I got up and just decided to hurt. My brain did a pretty good job at suppressing the pain, but when ever one of the nurses at MSTI asked how I was I just said I wasn't answering that question. I got a lot of sad looks from people.

Then Nick, one of the nurses came, sat down, and talked to me about what was going on. The tears I had been holding back just spilled over. I couldn't contain them anymore. I was so frustrated with my body. It can't fight like it used to. I feel like it has given up and when it hurts the most is when it drags me down to it's level and I start really feeling like I want to give up, call it quits. It is demoralizing. I don't like feeling that way and it aggravates me to do so. And then it aggravates me more because I don't have anyone around me that I can just cry into their shoulder and be comforted. When I start crying around here whoever is in sight starts crying and that just ruins the cry. :) I feel like I have to buck up and be strong for them so I never get a good cry unless I am alone and can't hurt anyone with my tears. That is why I am lonely. There are plenty of people to share my grief with, but I don't want to wallow. I want to be comforted and strengthened. That doesn't happen very often and when it does I can't get enough of it.

Sheesh. This is supposed to be an uplifting post. So much for that. :(

I want to thank Heavenly Father for my good days. I wish there were more and I think he does too. I am thankful that I have a day where I don't hurt, I want to go do something, I have things to do, and I have a good attitude. Not everything is perfect, but it is good and that is all that it needs to be for me now days.

I also want to thank those that offer their shoulders to cry on. I know it isn't easy for anyone to be around me especially during the bad times. I am thankful still and wish I could break down without caring, include more people into my grief zone (that sounds horrible, but I try to keep people out of that because it is horrible) and let more people buoy me up. God knows I could use it.

Nothing New to Report

2009-08-29T00:16:00.004-06:00

Nothing new, but I figured I should write anyway. This is supposed to be insightful, but it can't be if I edit what I write and only write when I feel good or there is something to write about. I am just going to throw out what ever is going through my head at the moment so this might get a little crazy and I am probably going to regret saying something, but oh well, insight is what I'm going for right?

So right now I am listening to a song by Yanni, trying to take my mind off of my lower back hurting. It has hurt almost all day today, but it got worse around ten o'clock or so. I took five mg of oxycodone which dulled the pain, but it isn't gone. I am tempted to go take some more, but I would rather avoid pills like i would the plague. I am starting to like the affects of the medicine too much. I am still playing things smart and only taking them when i really need to though. I don't want anyone freaking out on me ok?

I got blood, red blood cells, yesterday, so I have been looking forward to the perkiness that I usually get afterward. Unfortunately, when I address one problem, my body comes up with another. It has been hurting ever since yesterday morning so I have needed to drug myself with oxycodone. Therefore I am not feeling the perk because i am drugged or hurting. What I really want to do is get out of the house and do something. I don't have any money to do something so that limits my options quite a bit. I am saving up money so I can pay some bills and still have money to go and have fun in Vancouver. I have done what I have gotten angry at others over. I was just as dumb and haven't been saving up for activities to do in Vancouver. I just didn't expect some of the bills that I have, but. . . lol. . .isn't that how it goes for everyone? You go along thinking everything is fine and then . . .wait a minute. . .it isn't! Something you either didn't expect or just didn't take care of sneaks up and it feels like it has you trapped in a corner with no where to go. Hmm. Sound a lot like my last three and a half years.

Three and a half years. I can't believe I have been doing nothing for three and a half years. Well, all the cancer crap I've been doing, sure, but. . .that has not been very progressive. . . not progressive. . .but. . .I can't think of the word. I haven't done anything to help myself be more sustaining or anything. My body has limited what i can do. I hate it. I have found myself identifying me as two entities, if you wish. There is me, Jenna. And then there is my Body. I don't trust my body any further than I can throw it. Which I can barely lift a 20 lb chair, so I'm thinking I won't be able to budge my 149 lb body. I am just so frustrated with my body right now. I'm getting sick an tired of being held back and being afraid to do something because after i do anything active I know my body will be screaming at me for the next couple of days to a week. Things are getting a little lonely. Loneliness and frustration are not a good combination. I have caught myself wishing that the ball would get rolling downhill already. I'm getting very sick and tired of it all. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't have the resources to do anything. so i am stuck at home. Twiddling my thumbs trying to come up with something to do.

Honestly, I think things only seem bad right now, because I had a fun night last night so I went from a high and feeling somewhat like an average girl in her twenties, to my ever present happiness-sucking cancer life; still stuck doing the same things over and over and over again and I'm sick of the same things. Today for example, I woke up, read Twilight for a while before my body started to ache more than i could put up with. so i got up, took some Tylenol, ate some chex, slowly. I had to take a book i had sold on amazon.com to the post office so I got ready in five minutes (even though I don't have that much to do I feel even more bummish if I waste my time more that i already am) and went. I was sick and tired of being in the house and thought that if I moved around more I wouldn't hurt so much. So when I got back, I walked around the house three or four times with Jasper. It was fun, slow, and time consuming, which I liked. Unfortunately, after two laps my hip started to hurt. I made one or two more laps just because I could and I really wanted to do something other than play World of Warcraft or dink around on the computer for another 17 or whatever hours. Jasper had left his ball in the garage so I went to get it and ended up throwing the little tennis ball against the closed garage for twenty or thirty minutes until I was really tired and hurting more. What can I say, I was desperate for something different. When I came inside, I was looking around my room for something to do and my caught a project that I had stopped long ago. Aunt Debbie, when i lived in Utah and going through cancer crap, came and dropped off materials for making "jiggle boxes" as she called them. She made them to put into boxes being shipped out to places by the church. They work as rattles for babies and then as the kid grows up it can help them learn their colors. Anyway, I still have all those materials and today I figured, well that it was something different. I put in a movie, sat in my recliner and worked on putting together some boxes. All in all, it was a very boring day.

My dad wonders why I like to sleep late in the day. It is so that I don't have to come up with stupid things to do to keep me preoccupied while I wait for the inevitable. It all makes me so frustrated. I wish I could spend my time doing something worthwhile. Not just wasting away wishing the end would come quicker. I feel like it is such a waste! Not only that, but by just sitting here wishing for the end, I am letting not only myself down, but Heavenly Father too. I feel like such a disappointment. I could have been great. I could have done so much in this life if I hadn't gotten sick. Now I feel like I could still be great and should, but I am so tired, so afraid, and so alone that I don't know what to do with myself except for . . . well, let people down. That is really what I do best.

k. I am going to stop my mind wandering there. It isn't healthy to just let my mind rampage as you just saw. So. . . top problems I have besides my happiness-sucking cancer, I would say, are boredom, loneliness, and boredom. I have other worries, but . . .well. . . who doesn't. :) Good night.

A Totally Fun Day

2009-08-25T22:52:00.002-06:00

Today was awesome! It was so much fun! A few of the ladies in the branch took me, Mom, and Joie to get pedicures! My first one! I have been looking forward to it for a week and I loved it! I was so nice. I loved the massage, the girly talk, being with the girls, the laughs, and the "It's All Greek to Me" toenail polish! The girl who took care of my feet was Lori. She was very conversational and it was fun. I think I am addicted. :) lol I already want to go back.

After the pedicure, I came home and spent time with my family. I really wanted to play World of Warcraft, but I have been noticing how I have been responding when I have been called away from it or played early into the mornings. It has been getting a little out of hand, but I have loved every minute of it. I have been meeting new people, playing well with others, and feeling as if I am accomplishing something. All the while though, I have been . . . neglecting (I guess) my family, the people that I should be spending most of my time with. So tonight, we got together and played Rummy Cube. I got it for my birthday. :) I even asked Mom for someone to play it with. :) That made her laugh. We had fun. We played two hands and by then it was nine thirty and Dad was tired, so we stopped.

Now it is two hours later and I really want to play WoW, but I think I am going to read instead. I am reading the third book in the Twilight series for the second time and things are just starting to get interesting. Anyway, I'll post pictures of my pretty toes once I can get a decent picture of them. :) I don't like shooting at night the lighting is all screwed up and I prefer natural light anyway. Wow, now I am rambling. :) Anyway, love you all tons. And thanks for the great day girls! It feels great to be pampered. :) And I felt great too. The cherry on top. :) Night!

A Happy Birthday, Yea!

2009-08-25T04:06:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day. A gift I am sure. I felt aweful yesterday and today I felt so much better it is crazy. Yesterday I had "tummy problems" (take that as you wish) and was nauseated pretty bad. Today was great. I didn't have any problems besides fatigue, but that is just a given everyday occurance.

Tonight Mom, Dad, Joie and I went out to eat to celebrate my birthday. At first I didn't want to go out, but have the money go towards helping people on the trip to Vancouver. But then Dad said something that made me realize that I was using myself as a rug, which isn't right. I cried for a bit and then I figured well, screw it. I'm going to have some fun. So, I did. Thanks dad for giving me advice that I needed. I appreciate it when you do. :)

Also tonight, I was playing World of Warcraft, as I usually do, and came across a character whose name was "Drugged." I told him I liked his name and that since I have cancer drugs are okay. :) I think I kinda took him by surprise. lol. It was pretty much outta the blue. :) Anyways, we ended up spending 3 hours just talking to each other as we quested. It was fun. More fun than just dinking around on my own. Anyway, he has a condition where his body doesn't contain magnesium well at all and so his muscles spasm and hurt. His life has pretty much been ruined by it. We had a lot in common and there for a lot to say. It was a great chat and I look forward to chatting with him again. It made my day compelte. I am totally at peace with my day. No regrets. :) I'm glad. Days that have regrets suck. Well, I am off to bed, regret free. :) Night!

The Unexpected Things in Life

2009-08-21T23:44:00.002-06:00

Ya know, I had something unexpected happen to me today. I recieved a card in the mail for my birthday from the last people on the planet I expected it from. It was sweet and reduced me to tears. It was from a few people that I hold very dear to my heart because of the last few years and what they wrote made my day, week, month. I haven't felt that good physically, mentally, or spiritually so it felt great to get that card.

It is amazing at how well God looks after his children and makes sure that someone is always there to say the words that he can't, "I love you and am always there for you." Thanks to all those people that pay attention to and act on the impressions of the spirit. It really makes someone's day, week, month when you do.

Taking A Day to Just Exist

2009-08-19T17:42:00.003-06:00

So this post is earlier than a ton of my others, but I figured, "What the heck. It is either do this or play World of Warcraft." WOW wasn't working yesterday so I put it in time out and decided to tackle this instead. lol

After my busy week last week, the pain problems that my body had at the end of last week and beginning of this week, I took a day off. Serious I just went about doing what I was told. People asked me how I was and I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm here." My mom reacted with, "That's it?" I said, "Today I'm just existing and NO ONE is going to have a problem with that." :) I'm a little onery when I don't care and just existing. lol I have just been doing whatever and that has been nice. I almost stopped at the local beach on the river on my way home to get my feet wet, but there was too many people. In fact, . . . . . . I might still go, but go swimming instead. Hmmm.... that sounds really GOOD!!

Most of today I've been listening to tunes and jammin out. lol That sounds corney! And I got to drive Mom's car home and sped almost the whole way home. It felt great. Speed and loud beat music. AH, speaks great things to my body and my mind.

Oh, and I saw a really cool car. A Chevy Camaro Super Sport. Two seater. Dark metallic blue. It was sweet!! A girl was driving her boyfriend around. LOL!!! I was passing them and they guy caught me studying the car and so I revved my engine and passed them. I had to slow down and the next thing I knew the Sweet Camaro had revved it's engine and was passing me. Sigh. It was fun. :P :( I couldn't find a blue one. (Sigh.) Oh well, this'll do. I would love to drive one that is all sooped up and see how fast I could go. :) That would be cool. :) I'll keep dreaming. :)

Crazy Day

2009-08-12T01:30:00.002-06:00

Boy am I glad that I have been taught to kinda go with the flow and not stress over what I can't control. A couple of good things about having cancer.

Well. this last weekend, Mom contracted a flu or something. She had an achy body, fever, chills, and no energy. I think she slept most of today. Since she isn't feeling good, I have taken on the role of babysitting Kiaya, Whit, and Oakley. It is kinda stressful, but so far it has worked out fine. One of Jon and Brit's friends was able to watch the kids today so that I could go to Primary Children's Hospital for a lab draw and got to see a ton of people. Man. It is hard to get around that place with out running into someone who wants to talk. It is fun and I like it. It helps me feel good about myself. Regrettably, two of the most important people that I wanted to talk to either weren't there or our time was cut short. I left the hospital crying (after seeing Dr. Randall, which always makes me cry), telling myself that I couldn't play the role of "Cancer Patient" today. I had too many other roles to play, "Mom to three kids," "Nurse to Mom," and the "everything-is-okay Jenna."

On the way home, Jerrod called me and suggested that I bring the kids down to his house and we chill there for a couple of days. Mom has been worried about getting me and the kids sick so it sounded good to me. Plus I get help with the kids. I was already planning to come down anyway so that Jer and I could get some plans together for Vancouver so just a little altering needed to be done. I am so thankful for Jer and Er's offer. It really alleviated a lot of my stress. Now I just hope Mom gets better soon. I have plans to go out with friends this weekend and I really need the social boost before I go home.

Well. I need to get to bed. Love ya all.

Jenna Lee

A Long Weekend Full of Everything, Major Blessings Included

2009-08-11T00:12:00.003-06:00

I just got down to Jon and Brit's house from Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley Wyoming. It was so much fun. The first day I got there, Thursday, I was sore and not feeling so well. After a 6-7 hour car ride I couldn't blame my body. I didn't do much. That night we went to the fair and listened to Quicksand, a band that a distant cousin was in with her husband. She would listen to the band play and said, "You need a drummer" so she went out, bought her a set of drums and taught herself to play. Hasn't taken one lesson. She did pretty well. There was also a magician down from British Columbia Canada who put 5 people into a latex ballon. The balloon blew up to 5 feet in diameter with the use of a leaf blower. It was funny and awesome to watch. Grandma Hale was one of the ones he chose to get inside the balloon. Just as she was getting in, the balloon popped because the leaf blower person over inflated the balloon. HA, HA! Jed got some good pictures of it. I had left my camera back at the lodge. I was kicking myself for that. Thursday night Dad and Joie met us at the ranch.

Friday, everyone went on a four wheeler ride except for me, Aunt Shauna, Aunt Debbie, Grandma and a few of the kids. The four wheelers went to the place where the Utah snowmobilers got caught and killed in an avalanche up above Cottonwood Lake there above Smoot. The ride from what I hear is really rocky and very steep. Thankfully everyone returned to the ranch safely. Jon probably saved Mom and Dad's lives while on the ride. There was a really steep spot and Mom and Dad were on the same bike. As the hill got steeper, their weight got shifted more to the back of the bike. Jon was ahead of them, rode to the top and ran back down. Just as he reached Mom and Dad the front of their four wheeler was rising up in the air. He grabbed it, pulled back down and sat on the front for the rest of the way up. That could have been really bad. That four wheeler could have rolled over on top of both of them. Scary. We were truely blessed while up in Afton. When I get done with this travel log you will agree.

Saturday was rainy most of the day. Uncle Fred, Cody, and Jason went on a four wheeler ride to almost the same spot as that on Friday. They went up and it actually snowed on them. lol Crazy! Once the weather was decent, Aunt Cheryl took me up to Cottonwood Lake in the RZR. It was a really smooth ride and it didn't make me hurt afterwards. It was great! I loved it. I'll have to post some of my pictures of that. It was beautiful. Well, almost. When we got to the lake the forest around the lake looked horrible. It needs to be thined out. There are a whole bunch of dead trees that are a hazard to the environment. It is sad that some people think that leaving the environment alone is taking better care of our planet. The planet is a living thing and needs to be cultivated just like a garden. When you have a garden, you don't just leave the weeds and let them overtake the crop, the gardener takes out what is dead, harmful, or anything that threatens the crop. We should do the same for the forests. Dead trees cause forest fires. I would hate to see a fire go through up around Cottonwood Lake. It is so pretty, except for the dead trees.

Sunday I took a break from everything. My body and my nerves were getting a little high strung and I needed to detox. After church, I went up to my bed, plugged into my iPod, turned up the volume, and took a 2-3 hour nap. It was well needed since I hadn't been sleeping very well.

I have left something out, but I don't remember when it happened, but it fits in to my "we were taken care of" theme I'm trying to write about. Anyway, Jon gave Anna a crash course on how to ride his little three wheeler. She took off and he thought, "Either she really knows what she is doing, or she really doesn't know what she is doing." He told Mom to keep and eye on her and went inside the lodge to fix dinner. Five minutes later he came out and asked if Mom had seen Anna. She hadn't and was just getting ready to go and find her. Just then they saw Kiaya running toward them yelling, "Dad! DAD!" Jon took off running. Jon said that Kiaya said, "Dad! Anna drove the three wheeler into the lake! She's okay, but my THREE WHEELER!!" So it was. Anna somehow drove it into the deepest part of the lake. Thankfully, she didn't get caught anywhere on the bike and was able to swim to the shore and she was all right. Blessing number two! The only thing that was hurt was her pride. That night we all told her stupid stuff that we had done and I think it made her feel a ton better. Oh, Jon was able to get the bike out of the lake, clean it, and get it running again. He says that it runs even better now. lol I guess he got a lot out of taking apart his four wheeler when he was 14. I don't think that bike ever got put back together though.

For the final miracle of our trip. We had cleaned the lodge and were just packing up the cars to get ready to leave. Oakley had been watching Cody and Jason drop things down to Jon so that Jon could pack his truck. She fit right in between the rails on the deck. I had just come out of the lodge and saw Oakley right in between the rails, down on one knee. I really don't remember how I got to the railing, but it doesn't matter, I was too late. Oakley fell ten feet to the concrete driveway below, just an arms length or so from Jon, Cody, Jason, and Aunt Cheryl. They all thought that it was a bag that had fallen and that was exactly what it had sounded like. Jon says that she didn't even bounce, like the concrete absorbed her little body. From what Cody and Jason said Oakley landed on her pelvis and back, thankfully not her head. Jon picked her up and Oakley just whimpered a little at first. I think she got the wind knocked out of her. Mom and Jon took her to the ER in Afton where a doctor checked Oakley out. As far as he could tell, there wasn't anything wrong with her. She has a few bruises and a abrasion on one of her little arms, but other than that, she seems to be fine. There had to have been some angels wings down there for her to land on. My mom and dad said that they were surprised that no one else had done that in the 25-30 or so years the ranch has been there.

It was a nightmare for me. I was cussing out my body. I knew she was going to jump right when I walked out the door. Why it took me so long to get my legs going makes me angry to think about. All of the chemo and other medications I've had over the years has slowed down my responses to things. Driving I am okay because I'm a cautious driver anyway. I was so frustrated though. I was about three feet too late and petrified to see the other side of that railing. DAMN CANCER!!! I am so frustrated with my body and I don't know what I would have done if Oakley hadn't been okay. BUT, she IS running around. She IS still eating, drinking, crying, and BREATHING!! I need to remember that and not be frustrated with myself and thank God she still IS!! God please help me to remember and be thankful for that.

One Long Day, Therefore a Long Entry :)

2009-08-04T23:24:00.003-06:00

Well, today was fun, long, and now I'm all used up. lol

It all started when I went to bed this morning around 3:30am (something I am trying to work on) and woke up at 8:30am! I have run on fumes almost all day today and I can't get my body out of sluggish mode. I don't know if it ever woke up today. lol :) I had to get up "early" today because I got chemo at MSTI at 10:30am. I hate it when I am crazy and do that to myself. While I was getting "chemoed" I took advantage of the opportunity to do some scripture study and studied out of the Teachings of Joseph Smith Relief Society manual. That was good for me. It gave me an extra spiritual boost that I have desperately needed.

It was actually a continuance of one that I have had since Saturday. I was found at Madi and Porter Moses' wedding by President Walker, my stake president. I had been on quite a low mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was frustrated, worn out, and gave Satan an easy target which he eagerly aimed at and shot his darts of doubt, frustration, and sadness at. A lot of them hit. Anyway, I love talking to President Walker. He is a great philosopher and has really studied the scriptures. He always has great counsel, I can tell that he cares deeply about the people under his stewardship, and it is really easy to feel the Holy Spirit when I am around him. We had a chat and he really buoyed me up. I really needed it, appreciated it, and loved it. I have tried to focus on, feed, and bask in the "light" that he past onto me. It has been wonderful.

After I got my chemo I went shopping. One of my least favorite activities, but one that I had put off long enough. After my bone marrow transplant I lost a lot of weight (40-45 lbs) and hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore. First on my list were shirts so I ran to Seagull Book and got some DownEast Basics shirts. They are really long and I love them.

After that I ran across the street to Old Navy and shopped for pants. For the record, I HATE SHOPPING FOR PANTS!! It is the bane of my existence! Especially when I am alone. Luckily for me I met Lauren, a worker at Old Navy, who helped me pick out some pants. I am pretty impressed with myself, that I went shopping all by my lonesome, not really a bright idea because I spent a lot more than I should have. lol

I have also needed to get some cute close toed Sunday shoes to go with a church outfit, so I walked over to Famous Footwear and picked out some shoes with Joie's help. I text pictures of the ones I liked and she told me what to get. lol Then I went to Walmart to get me some new headphones because mine mysteriously stopped working last week.

After all that I was worn out and wanting to take a nap. But, I was on my way home when Daddie called me and said, "Mom called and said, 'Joie's gone. Nothing is prepared. You and Jenna are on your way home. Why don't you go out to dinner.' So let's go. Where do you want to go? What do you feel like?" My response, "Absolutely nothing."

I don't have a great appetite anymore. In fact, I bet if someone watched me eat they would probably laugh at me. I sometimes order meals by merely closing my eyes and putting my finger somewhere on the menu because I can't decide. If I have no objections then I order it. After I order it I eat it like a normal person until I start to get full, then I start to choose certain items from my plate: either what has more protein or what I really like the most. Shortly after that, my plate is only about a quarter gone, but I am full. If I eat more, I am more likely to puke so it isn't a good idea and I frown upon it. lol

Anyway, Dad took me to Casa de Mexico (if I remember that right) in downtown Eagle. The food was really good, not very spicy at all, and the guy who helped us spoke English really well (always a plus). You could tell it was a second language for him. The decor was really pretty with Mexican memorabilia hanging up on the walls like copper pots and pans, a tapestry with an Aztec calendar on it, a beautiful picture of a Mexican woman, etc. The booths were really pretty too. There was a ceramic tile with a palm tree painted on it that was set into the middle of the table. On the seat backs that came up above Dad's head (while sitting down) were wood planks with carvings of palm trees on them. It was really pretty. I liked it a lot.

Once I got home my body was screaming at me for a break. I really just needed to take some Tylenol, lie down and try to get my body to relax. Up until a few minutes ago my legs were constantly tingling and slightly pulsating. I took one and a half oxycodone a few hours after the Tylenol because the Tylenol wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I feel a bit better now. I just need to go to bed. ASAP! Get some sleep in me. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow because Mom and I are headed to Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley, Wyoming and I have yet to pack. I am so excited. I haven't been there for probably two, two and a half years. I really miss it. It can be pretty peaceful there when it isn't overcrowded. Makes me miss Grandpa Hale though and a little disappointed when some of the younger cousins break the rules Grandpa ingrained in me. Sigh.

After Wyoming I will be in Utah for a few days with Mom while she babysits Jon's kids for them while Brit is in Hawaii with her family. While I am in Utah I am going to be BUSSSY! So many people to see and visit with and so little time. Sigh.

Well, I need to get to bed. I am exhausted! Love you all! Good Night! :)

P.S. All in all, today was really fun and a really good day. Thanks to Heavenly Father for giving me the strength to do it all. I wonder if I took advantage of His help today overdid things. If I did. . .well, I think that is okay. He likes it when his children are happy. And I am. :)

Goodness Gracious

2009-08-04T03:03:00.002-06:00

It has been a while since I was on here and a few people dropped enough hints that I got a clue and so here I am. lol

Anyway. The reason for my absence is pretty simple and pretty lame. I haven't felt great mentally and I reverted back to . . . well . . . me and kept my thoughts to myself. It is pretty scary to write down what is going inside my head and then invite people to read it. It is crazy. Especially when I am not sure what is going on in there sometimes anyway. I am working on my trust issues though, that is partly what the blog is for. :)

Anyway, it is extremely late. I have chemo tomorrow and I think I'm only going to get about 5 hours of sleep. Sigh. Oh well. I just wanted to say, "I'm still here," "Times are tough," (but when are they not), and I will try to write more. One of these days I'll fully convince myself that writing really does help my mental state of things and then just do it.

San Francisco Travel Log. :)

2009-07-18T15:10:00.013-06:00

Right now things are doing fine for me. I am finally feeling good enough physically and mentally to make a post on my San Francisco trip with Jan and Dennis. I have had a rough week this week mentally because I was misled and somewhat betrayed by my doc up here in Idaho. My mom asked the docs what they thought about a Fentanyl transdermal patch, a patch that goes on my skin and delivers a pain killer drug through my skin. They said that I would be clear minded, I would be able to go to school, and be more active because I would have a pain medication on board at all times. Well, what they didn't tell me is that I wouldn't be able to drive. So. . .how was I supposed to get to school? How was I supposed to do whatever I wanted? All the fentanyl patch did for me was make me tired all the time, more nauseated, clouded my mind, and took away my freedom of driving. In short, yesterday, I figured, "Yeah, the patch helped my pain, but I can not live happily with out the freedom to go where I want, when I want." I now think I understand how Grandma Hale feels about getting her driving privilage taken away from her. Sigh. That is why my posts have been short this week. I have been depressed and now I have decided NO MORE FENTANYL!! Not yet anyway. . .

Now for my trip to San Francisco. We had a total blast!!! Although seeing San Francisco in less than 1 1/2 days is completely impossible! Den said that San Francisco is eye candy (meaning the sight of it makes you want to see more, have more, and is very pleasing to see). I totally agree with him. Our two day adventure was too short and left me really exhausted, but knowing it was totally worth the price.

Jan and Dennis came and picked us up at our house Thursday. We had lunch, cleaned up, packed and hit the road. We traveled five and a half hours to Winnemucca, Nevada where we stretched out legs. We were there for 45 minutes to an hour. Then we hit the road again continuing on to Reno, Nevada which took about two and a half hours. It was late when we got there and we hadn't eaten. Den got on the internet and found J.J's Pie Company that came recommended and would be open. When we got there we all decided that it looked like a bar and that we didn't want to go in. Then Dennis read that it is one of the few places in Reno that was non smoking and that sealed the deal of going there. That place had really good pizza. It was one of the many inspired choices of our trip. lol After dinner at 11:00 at night, we found our hotel and went to bed. No gambling for me because it was too late. :( Good for me though. I didn't spend any money on gambling through our whole trip. I would have in Winnemucca, but I didn't have a one dollar bill. I just had two 20s and a ten and I wasn't about to put a big bill in there because I would have used it all. lol Our totally travel time on thursday was about eight hours of Driving!!! Crazy!!!

The next morning, Friday, we left Reno around 8:30/9:00 am and traveled to San Francisco!! It was about three and a half or four hours of taveling. I slept most of the way because I didn't sleep well the night before. I would wake up periodically and I was awake as we past Lake Tahoe, went by Donner's Pass, went through my first State Boarder Patrol (the California Border Patrol, they don't want anyone to bring fruit into the state contaminating their high grade produce and will confiscate any that they find, lol), and went over my first toll bridge (the Bay Bridge that takes traffic to San Francisco). After that I was awake and excited!!!

Our first stop was San Francisco's Chinatown which was totally fun. Very few people spoke English and I wish I had known some form of Chinese to help us out. lol. Jan and Dennis wanted to take us to Dim Sum. Dim sum is a brunch where the waitresses (who only speak very little english) bring around small dishes and offer them to you. There are about 8 servings on each plate. Joie and I decided that it was best to not know what was in the stuff we were eating. lol All of it looked okay, but still a little scary. Most of the items were rolled into a ball and either steamed or fried. So we never really could see what was inside the dish. lol

After Dim sum, at noon, we walked around Chinatown and gathered up some Chinatown paraphernalia. lol We spent quite a bit of time there which is amazing because the streets were INSANE!!! There were some pretty good hikes up those streets. lol It really wore me, Mom, and Dad out. :) After Chinatown we went down Lombard Street. A street that switchbacks about 9 times in a quarter of a mile! I don't know how many feet it descends in the quarter of a mile, but everything I find says it is a 27% grade (which I could calculate, but my brain doesn't want to know how, lol)

After Lombard Street, we went across the Golden Gate Bridge and took some time to enjoy the view of San Francisco from the other side of the bay. After which we went to the hotel to freshen up for the play "Wicked", which is Aunt Cheryl's favorite play and now I know why! It was awesome and fun! It is the prequel to the "Wizard of Oz" and gives the background of the Wicked Witch of the West and East and the Good Witch Glenda. I was exhausted from our day and also hurting from the non stop action so I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I wanted, but it was fun. It was the best play I have ever seen and it had great messages. After the play, we went to the hotel. I hadn't finished my classes, but I only had the final tests to do. My chemistry test was due Saturday at noon and we had plans for early in the morning so I HAD to take my test Friday night or else I wouldn't have had time to take it. Therefore I was up until three o'clock in the morning taking my test!!

Saturday started early! Well, for me anyway. It was 9:00 am when we left the hotel. We then boogied down to the peir to catch a boat to Alcatraz! It was very educational. We took an audio tour of the prison which talked about the various sections of the prison, some of the escapes, why a person was incarcerated there, what happened when they got there, what life was like there as a prisoner, what life was like as a family living on Alcatraz, and some of the rules and regulations the prisoners were to follow. It was very interesting to see and hear the creative things people did to try to escape from Alcatraz only to fail. The prison was heavily guarded so anyone trying to escape was easily detained. Those that got past the security still had to deal with the water in the bay that is freezing and has tons of currents, some of which take you back to Alcatraz. lol

After walking around Alcatraz for about three hours and buying stuff there, we got back on a boat to head for shore. Then we ate at Hard Rock Cafe and bought more San Francisco paraphernalia at the Cafe. lol After that though it was about 3:00 pm and we were late in leaving for home so we weren't able to take a trolley ride, visit Fisherman's Wharf, or visit Ghirardelli Square. Dad really wishes we had had time to go to Ghirardelli Square so that we could get some really good Chocolate. YUMMY!! But I was pretty much toasted and ready to go and I didn't want Jan and Dennis to get to their house any later. They dropped us off and then continued to Salt Lake!! Crazy!! They wanted to be home for Cameron's homecoming (Lisa and Todd's missionary that got home last week). Anyway, we climbed back into James' Suburban and started the trek home.

We stopped in Winnemucca to eat and by the time we got done eating I was hurting pretty bad and had a low grade fever of 101.4 F. I talked Mom into not calling the Doctors here in Boise on the grounds that we were in the middle of nowhere so there were no hospitals around and that my temperature was going down. Right after we discovered my temp I took it again and got 100.7 F. Mom and I compromised that if the temperature went back up or persisted too long she was going to call the doctors. Also, since I was hurting, Dad, Joie, Dennis, and Jan made a place for me to lay down in the middle of the Suburban. They layed down the first back seat and Mom and I layed down together. Joie got in the front with Dad who was driving, and Jan and Dennis sat in the second back seat. Jan finally gave Dennis the seat and laid on the back of the seat and the luggage that came up even to the back of the seat. lol It gave me flash backs of us kids cramming into the van. lol Mom had me take some pills that helped with the pain and I layed on my tummy which was the most comfortable position for my hips. My lower back still hurt, but it didn't hurt as bad as my hips so it was fine. Mom continually checked my temperature throughout the ride home to make sure I was okay. I was so tired and exhausted and I hurt a lot until the pain meds started to kick in. I slept until we got home.

We got home at about 4:30 am Sunday morning after ELEVEN AND A HALF HOURS of driving, plus the time spent at the stop in Winnemucca along the way, which added about an hour or hour and a half. I was so sore! I learned that walking around for long periods of time and then sitting in a car for about 13 hours is not a good idea. My muscles were stuck in a partially flexed position and so it hurt to flex them and it hurt to stretch them. After Dad, Joie, Mom, Dennis, and Jan unloaded the car, Jan and Dennis left our house at about five in the morning and drove all the way to their house in Bountiful!! so for them it was a total of about 16 or 17 HOURS OF DRIVING for them!! I felt bad that they had to do that.

After they left, I went to bed and didn't wake up until about four pm. That is when I became alert and seriously started studying for my Criminal Justice test. I was so tired and the fact that I was on pain pills and Fentanol didn't help me stay awake!! After eating dinner with the fam, I came up to my room and read and studied like crazy. I had to have my criminal justice test taken by midnight Sunday night. I spent every minute from 5:30 pm until 11:30 pm studying. lol I left only 20-25 minutes to take my test, which was a risky move but paid off in the end. I ended up finishing this semester with an A in Chemistry and a B in Criminal Justice and the feeling of excitement at finishing this summer semester!!!

I don't think I will be taking classes next Fall because I need some time to relax, be school worry free, and I also don't want to miss any school when we leave for Vancouver. It is a risky move. I am always happy when I am in school, getting to know other people. I am so excited about the Vancouver trip!! Joie and I recieved our passports in the mail this week and that was exciting!!! Next on my list of things to tackle is planning the Vancouver trip. :)

Overall on this trip, I learned a lot about San Francisco. I learned a lot about accepting charity from others. And I learned that I am special and I need to realize that more often and treat myself as such. I need to believe that I am special and disregard other people that treat me other wise. I have been told that I am special often lately and I can't believe that I still have a hard time acknowledging that to myself.

I had a ton of fun on the trip and it was totally worth the price of pain and exhaustion I had in exchange. :) Personally, I think it could have been far worse. I didn't have any bloody noses or anything serious to warrant wasted time for a trip to the hospital. I think that I should have hurt worse and been more exhausted. In short, I want to thank Heavenly Father. I believe, with all my heart, that he watched over me and the family while we were in San Fran. I was truely blessed by Him and also by the acts and words of Dennis and Jan James. They are awesome people who live the laws and ordinances of the gospel. They were and are willing to do anything for me or to help me with anything I need or want. They taught me that specialness isn't from how I am treated, but from how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and from the fact that I am a daughter of a Father in Heaven who loves me. I am thankful for Jan and Dennis. I am also thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I know that He lives and suffered for my sins, trials, and sorrows of my heart along with all of those of every spirit child of our Father in Heaven. That was a great trial for Him and I am glad that he weathered it so well. It is one of the great blessings given us by a Father who loves us.

For more of my pictures visit my profile on Facebook. I posted all of them there

My Sister's Keeper.

2009-07-18T00:12:00.002-06:00

I went to see that this afternoon with my friend Tracy. It is really good and a good tear jerker. If you go TAKE TISSUES! It has a good message and is the typical portrayal of a family going through the cancer struggle. It gives a viewpoint of every family member involved. I recommend it.

Sorry Everyone.

2009-07-17T00:00:00.004-06:00

I know I promised more on California, but I want to do it when I am happy and that just isn't the groove I'm in of late. But I saw this and . . . I don't know. Well. . . here.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." (Tyrol, Austria)

San Francisco from Alcatraz

2009-07-13T03:26:00.002-06:00

It is too late to say everything I wanted to say. Writing a letter to Jordan takes precedence to a good entry for my blog. I will try and post tomorrow with pictures from our trip to San Fran.

jenna lee

Late Night in San Fransisco!!

2009-07-11T03:08:00.003-06:00

This will be short because I should soooo be asleep. I just wanted to post a little something to keep me in the habit and to make sure today is accounted for. :)

It was a great day. I hurt, but it was a great day. A day full of firsts (first toll booth, first check station for entering a state, first time in SF, first time in a "China Town" first time eating things and not wanting to know what I just ate, first time seeing Wicked, first time going down CRAZY streets, etc.). I am up this late because I am crazy for one and I had to take my chemistry final before noon tomorrow and we have more activities planned for tomorrow (Alcatraz and the Fisherman's Wharf) and so I needed to get it done tonight.

I am so excited and grateful to be here. I am so grateful for Jan and Dennis! They are awesome! They have given me an awesome culture shock by showing me around San Fransisco and it has been wonderful to spend some time with them. Some of my favorite memories from my teenage years are of family get togethers at their home with the Walker relatives. I love going and hearing stories about my dad and when he was growing up and stories about his parents. Since I never got to meet them I have an interest for getting to know them through others and it has been an adventure. Like today, for example, I learned that my grandma loved pickled pigs feet and she always kept a jar of them in the fridge. That is disgusting, but interesting all at the same time. lol

Crap. I really need to go I wake up in 4 hours. :( It is going to be a long, BUT FUN DAY!!! I will try to remember to post some pictures when I have some time. Love you all!

Jenna Lee

Just a Few Thoughts About Summer

2009-07-07T03:33:00.009-06:00

I have been reading what other people have posted on their blogs about things they have done this summer which sparked a few thoughts of my own.

I was reading Tami and Tony's blog and Tami was talking about how the best thing about summer is a nice juicy piece of watermelon. I got to looking through my pictures tonight as I was winding down to go to sleep and found a picture from an email I had received about watermelon art. This was my favorite from the email so I saved it. Some people might say, "What a waste of watermelon!" But I say, "Holy crap!! How do people come up with these ideas? And how do they make it look so beautiful?!

Another thing I want to share is a picture that I borrowed from Candice and Brent's blog. It is the coolest thing I have seen for the Fourth of July and really creative. I just wanted to share their art and creativity because it is really awesome!

A Pretty Good Day After an Aweful Morning

2009-07-05T01:37:00.007-06:00

This morning around 5:00am I woke up in a ton of pain. I had tried to stay off of Fentanyl patches because I don't like to be medicated, but that was a big mistake. Only I didn't realize it until five o'clock. I woke up and my whole right leg from my hip all the way to my ankle was throbbing with jabs of sharp pains. It was horrible. After the week that I have had, I was through. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I was in too much pain and I couldn't just ignore it.

Don't get me wrong about my week. It was great having Justin and Jerrod here, but I was chronically tired and I haven't been able to breath deeply for about a week and a half. That counts yawning, sneezing, laughing, crying, etc. Plus, I am very disappointed in the limited energy that I have. It really sucks.

It has been really difficult and I was through. I was past through. I was ready to call up Dr. Randall and tell him to take my leg off because it was good for nothing, but hurting! I told Mom that I didn't know if I could take 10 more weeks like this last one. 10 weeks is when Jordan comes home. A friend reminded me tonight that I can if it is God's will. He will help me through it if it is to be. Anyway, Mom medicated me pretty good, Luna snuggled into me, and I slept in 'til around 12:30pm. I felt better and so I dedicated myself to writing my stupid paper for criminal justice. I had decided that since I was feeling better, I had better take advantage of the opportunity and just do it. So that is what I did. I got 6 pages done and I have 2 more to go.

You know. The paper isn't all that stupid, it is just frustrating for me because it is slow work. But it was really interesting to read and write about the reasons our forefathers wanted to make sure we had certain writes. Why it was important to them. It was really cool especially since today is the 4th of July. It made me realize what they went through and that I really don't think about the freedoms that I have that have been fought over since the dawn of our country. I really take them for granted.

It is a shame that in our country there are too many people like me who are not passionate about freedoms and just sit around while our country goes to pot. Our Forefathers must be rolling in their grave! They gave us a great gift and we have just let it be trashed and then sit complaining it is trashed, but don't do anything about it. It is even more of a shame that we as a country make fun of or disregard those that are passionate and want to do something to turn this country around. It just astounded me and made me a little ashamed of my idleness, not that I have much energy to do something about it. But I wondered how many had those same thoughts as we celebrated our country's birthday today?

After my six pages Mom, Dad, Joie and I went to go eat and see the fireworks that Horseshoe Bend put on. They were pretty good. The pictures don't do them justice. I wanted to make a video, but then my camera died. SAD! Anyway here are a few. Happy Birthday U.S. of A. and may we treat you better this year than we did the last!

Oh and this Fourth of July totally beat last years Fourth of July. Last year I was in the hospital for my bone marrow transplant. It was a pretty memorable night. :)

It Is Really Hard To Post Something When I Did Nothing

2009-07-03T00:57:00.002-06:00

Today was not a great day. I have been exhausted so much that I sleep at the wrong times!! I fell asleep last night around 1:30am, but then I slept until 1:30pm. It was horrible. The sleeping was fine, but it was the last day Jerrod and Justin were here and what did I do? I slept. They played games all morning with Mom and Joie. I really regret it and I feel horrible. I hate me. I hate that I have to sleep so much because I am exhausted! I hate it!!! I tried to read for my criminal justice test that is tomorrow and I couldn't focus because I was so tired so there was no other choice, but to sleep and see if that would help me focus some other time. I really don't want to ask my professor for another continuance because I haven't handed in the last thing I asked for a continuance on (my paper, which still isn't done)!!! I just feel like I am in a downward spiral when it comes to school so I am THRILLED that it ends next week. I have my last test in Criminal Justice the following Monday, but still a week is a week. I am even more THRILLED that I am going to San Fransisco with Jan and Dennis for that weekend. I will be celebrating NO MORE SCHOOL!!! It will be nice. I'm sure after awhile I will start to miss it again, but next time I am signing up for ON CAMPUS CLASSES!! No more of this online stuff. I can't handle the stress of it anymore. I did well with it in my pre-cancer life, but not anymore.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. I still have 2 chapters to read before I take my test tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Jenna Lee

A Very Long Day

2009-07-02T01:31:00.005-06:00

(I fell asleep yesterday night while writting this, but I wanted to post it before I posted tonight. This is not all I wanted to say, but it will do.)

So I finally went to bed last night at around 7:30am this morning (I know this because I heard Joie leaving for work) and woke up around 11:30am. I am crazy! And I am stupid because here it is 1:45am and I am still up!! I will never learn. I am tired though so I am going to try to make it short, but you know how well that has gone for me in the past. :)

Anyways, after I got my body in the "it's okay to move without me screaming at you" stage my day was okay. I got quite a few things done. I enlisted Jerrod's help for my last experiment in Chemistry and even tried to do a little bit of homework. The experiment was kinda fun because it was one where you could actually see the reaction. In this one two liquids made a solid. This homework is hard and I wish Grandpa Hale was alive to explain it too me. I am learning about different types of fuels and their chemical structures. It would be interesting, but I am too busy trying not to freak out because I am so behind in school. I still haven't turned in my paper for Criminal Justice, but after I fail the test this Friday, I am going to try and tackle it this weekend. After loosing a weekend because I was laid up has really screwed me up!!!

Blah, Blah, Blah. I so should be asleep!! My body is all screwed up!!!

2009-07-01T05:10:00.003-06:00

The picture has nothing to do with this entry. It is just beautiful and a sense of peace for me.

Well. I am glad to report that the pains I experienced have lessened and that I am able to move around and get things done for my classes. The mobility kicked in at about eight o'clock tonight. Before then i was a little sluggish and right now. . . I don't know I just think my brain has fried!! Otherwise what would I be doing awake at this time of . . . day. . . when I haven't even been to sleep. I REALLY need to work on that. I was doing fairly well until this weekend when I got put on a lot of pain meds that made me sleep, for which I was thankful for.

Anyway, I recieved chemo on Monday and that has seemed to help lessen the pain along with a fentanoyl patch. I hope that it continues to go this way and the pain continues to lessen so hopefully I won't have to wear a patch and I can go back to Tylenol for just basic acheyness.

So now that I have found my feet after being knocked off of them by last weekends wave, I realized that I am still in school! Today almost freaked when I found out how much I have to do in Chemistry, along with my paper that my professor is generous and is letting me turn it in late, and I found out that I have a test on Friday over three chapters I haven't even looked at! So needless to say, I am trying not to freak out.

Plus, Jerrod and Justin came up to spend most of the week with us and I feel horrible. I am not feeling great physically (although I'm getting a little better), but now I am swamped with homework and I really, really want to make sure that they have a good trip. I was so surprised and happy with they came. I just wish I was done with school, so that I could relax while I played. Sigh, oh well. It will all turn out. Maybe not how I want it to, but it will turn out as it should. Good morning y'all!!

I am not sure what I am going to write, but I am sure it is going to be . . . .

2009-06-29T03:24:00.002-06:00

Well, after a crapy weekend and having a sorrowful heart I really don't know what I am going to write. Last Saturday, I wanted to go up to Camp Glenwood with the stake Relief Society so that I could get some companionship from the women, get out of the house, and be lifted by the spirit in the classes that were taught. I wanted to really bad and I even had talked Mom and Joie into going with me. Only, I woke up on Saturday and could hardly breath I was in so much pain which I calmed myself down so I could, but then I realized that I couldn't go in the shape I was in so I started to cry because I am so frustrated on missing out on things because of stupid, good for nothing cancer, that, in my case, will never go away!!! So right now I just feel like doing more chemo is just prolonging my life for crappy days like this weekend: full of pain, full of not caring, full of frustration, and full of nothing! It is crappy!

I have not felt great since then (as you can tell) and haven't been able to focus on anything, but sleeping and I've become and expert in wasting time on the computer! Therefore I don't care about school because I don't feel well, I don't care that I am behind in school because I don't feel well, and I am frustrated that I DON'T CARE!!! I want to care about something because it is when you care about something that you find yourself enjoying life and actually living life. With my not caring, I have turned to World of Warcraft (because it doesn't hurt to play or do) which is a waste of time when other things can be getting done.

I need to remember the fun things that my family has planned though. I do look forward to that. I just wish it were sooner. . . or something. . . like maybe I felt great and there was no chance that I would be feeling crappy! Which will never happen. Sigh. I need to pull myself together though because I have eight pages to write for my Criminal Justice class and impossible research to do for it.

This is short, I promise. At least I am writing, I guess.

2009-06-25T02:44:00.003-06:00

Today was a fairly good day. I sure did have a hard time getting motivated to get out of bed. Plus, I woke up hurting a fair amount so I took half of one of my pills which did the trick. It made everything feel better. Now it is night time and I am really tired. It helps that it is 3:00 AM. Sigh. When will I ever learn to go to bed before 12:00 AM.

Anyway, I got my chemistry homework done. Tomorrow I need to turn it in along with some Lab Reports and Interim Lab results and extra credit. I also need to working on my paper for Criminal Justice. It is an eight page paper on what rights are covered in the first amendment and what their limitations are. It will be interesting.

Oh. Sometime I am going to have to put on the "Most of the Walkers' Horseback ride" It was tons of fun and between Nikki's camera and mine, I think we got some fairly nice pix. Hopefully that will happen soon, if not give me two weeks, cause then my classes are over!!! Yeah. Then I am going to take a well earned break. When school starts up in the fall . . . well, I'll just have to see how I am doing then. For now, I need to go to bed before I fall asleep.

Love you all.

Jenna Lee

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

2009-06-22T01:12:00.004-06:00

Well today was a realitively good day. I have survived yesterday's avalanche due to some great blessings from our Father in Heaven. Now I am wondering when the next storm is going to brew. Until then I am thankful for the respite.

It is late, but I wanted to show my appreciation for my dad by posting a little shout out on my blog. I am so thankful for him and for what he does to provide for his family. I am thankful that he is there to comfort and to teach me here in this life. He is great and I hope he know how much his kids love him. Love you Dad! Hope you had a great Father's Day.

Your Wee, Wittle Jenna Wee.

Ok, Time to Get Back in the Habit . . . Though I'm Not Sure I Want to

2009-06-21T00:08:00.003-06:00

Ever notice when you make a goal at doing something and then something happens that makes you miss a day. Then that day turns into a couple of days and those couple of days end up being another couple of days. Then, before you know it, a week has gone by and you don't even care that you set the goal in the first place. Well, that is what has happened here. I have finally gotten enough comments that I have decided to take up the habit again, or at least start writting again. I have never had so many people miss my writing. It isn't that good. So get ready to be unloaded upon. lol

Anyway, I have a lot to update on this blog, but that is going to have to wait for a while when I have time and I care. This is not one of those days.

Today I felt fine physically, but mentally I might as well have been a slug. I was so unmotivated to do anything. I watched movies on tv all day. Then I decided what I was doing was stupid since I have a criminal justice test on monday and I realized that up to today I had only read five out of about 130 pages. So I finally started reading around five o'clock just to stop at eight to get ready to go to Ashley Flake's (now Dilsilver [or something like that, sorry Ash :( ] ) wedding reception which was beautifully decorated (kodos to Mom and those that helped). And then I stayed with Mom and Dad to help Flakes clean up. Which whoever invented the removable pews needs to rethink the design or set up a helpline to set it back up. It was totally ridiculous and frustrating. And I didn't even help that much to put it back together. I felt so bad for the Flake boys who had to stay and figure out the puzzle. So I didn't get done things that I needed to. Oh well.

Also today hasn't been that great of a day for me mentally. I had another day that the realization of how much my life sucks comes crashing down on me like an avalanche. And once the avalanche starts it is hard to stop, especially when other things happen thoughout the day that make you feel just "WONDERFUL" about . . . sigh . . . other things. Today the avalanche was more about the things that I won't be able to do in my life. First it was the realization that I won't be able to do anything with my life school wise and career wise. Now with all the weddings going on around HSB, it hit me like a brick that marriage in this life is pretty much not going to happen for me. Besides it isn't like I have much to offer. "Hi, my name is Jenna Walker and I have terminal cancer. I don't know how much time I have. . . Wanna start a life together only to end up heartbroken and have to start all over anyway?" That is great. See what I mean about an avalanche? It sucks.

Anyway, I hate to say this because I hate wasting days, but today was wasted. Totally. Which even further adds to my frustration and when I get frustrated I don't get angry! I cry! Then I get even more frustrated because I am crying because I am made!!!! A totally ridiculous and vicious cycle. It is no wonder that all my emotions get pent up. Crazy.

Hmm. I just realized that I am going to get a few "I'm so sorry" looks from some people who read this. I hate those, but I am really trying to be totally honest with how I feel in writting on this and people need to know about my good days and my bad. The worst days are when I am not doing good mentally. The bad days physically I can at least take a pain pill and if the pain is bad enough, be forced to sleep the day away because of the stronger medication. When I have a mentally bad day there is nothing to shut the crap off that goes on in my brain and no pain pill to help with the emotional pain that it causes. Therefore I would MUCH rather have physically painful days than mentally painful days. Something I don't think many people understand and it can't be understood until you are there. And it is so frustrating because . . . I can't find comfort from anyone here.

I need to stop writting and just go to bed. I am just getting more "avalanched." Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Father in Heaven, please help me. . .

What A Long Day Of Chemisty!!!

2009-06-11T01:34:00.009-06:00

Well, today I tried to do some of my homework for Chemistry. On Monday, my teacher assigned two labs so I have been working on them throughout the week. Today was testing reaction rates of how fast it would take bleach to turn blue colored water clear. I spent about 5 hours on this lab and then decided it was taking so long I would make up some of my results. It was pretty ridiculous.

It took forever just by mixing bleach with the colored water, so when I found out I had to put it in an ice bath I just about lost it! When you cool the temperatures in a chemical reaction, it slows down the reaction. So instead of taking 13 minutes for 1 mL of bleach to turn 15 mL of colored water colorless, the cold temperatures made it take 1 hour and 10 minutes!!! And the experiment wanted me to do that TWO MORE TIMES!!! I said no way Jose and put down a couple of similar values. I was not happy and Nikki was about to deck me if I asked her if the solution still looked blue to her. Dad said that maybe it was not so much a Chemistry test as it was a Psychiatric test to see how far people will go before the go crazy! It was the most ridiculous experiment I have ever done. I have never had to spend a whole day on an experiment.

By the way, this is usually how Mom's kitchen looks on Mondays. That is when I get my experiments to do. :) Poor Mom, today I took over her kitchen, made it look like the garbage exploded, made it stink like bleach, and then she had to work around me to prepare dinner. She is was good sport about it though. lol

I was totally bummed because I really wanted to play with Nikki's kids because I hardly get to see them, but I need to stay focused on school too. It is a hard decision to make and I don't like making it! Yesterday I played a lot, so today I had to work to balance it out. Sad. :( Well, I have Chemo tomorrow, Thursday. Wish me luck! It shouldn't be too bad. Maybe I tell ya about it tomorrow if there isn't something more important to talk about. Night!!

"Jenna, Mores!"

2009-06-10T00:07:00.007-06:00

I heard that many times today from little Miss Danilynn. She is so cute and precious. We went out and played on the swing set and had a ton of fun. Each time I got tired and went to sit down, she would come, find me, grab my hand, and say, "Jenna, mores!" It was so cute and awesome to feel wanted by her because Danilynn is very attached to "Jo Jo". I LOVED IT.

While I was playing with Danilynn, Nikki, Joie, and J.J. were on a blanket soaking up the rays. It was really nice outside: not to hot or cold, not too sunny or cloudy. It was great.

Well, I have nothing enlightening to say. I think my brain has flat lined for today. And I have already overstated how school is going. It is a shame that nothing is going on in my head right now. :) Oh, well. I hope it lives tomorrow. lol

Low Energy, But Still Gettin By

2009-06-09T02:47:00.006-06:00

Well, I took my second exam in Criminal Justice today and I am starting to wonder if it is cheating to ask Heavenly Father to help me remember what I have read. It is not like me to read two chapters and remember as much as my tests say I am remembering. It is quite interesting and I am very thankful for the blessings He gives me when I am doing school.

I am whipped out today. The chemo that I got on Friday is taking its toll on me. I haven't had any bloody noses, thank goodness, but I am so physically weak it is ridiculous. Sometimes I find myself not having the strength to stand and all I want to do is sleep. So right now I do a lot of sitting and I even took a nap today out in my hammock.

It is so frustrating though because Nikki is up here with her kids and I really want to play with them. I want to so much that I do it anyway. I get light headed and dizzy sometimes, but it is worth it. I just sit for a while and take a drink and I eventually feel better. I love all of my neices and nephews and it is great to spend time with them.

I also got quite a bit of homework done. Not everything that I need to get done, but I was surprised at what I did considering how I feel. I am so glad that I make a list of things I need to do because it is so rewarding at the end of the day to cross off items I did and actually see my progress.

Well, I need to sleep if I am ever going to get any energy back. :( Night! Have a great day!

Okay, I Am Crazily Behind

2009-06-08T00:49:00.003-06:00

These next few days are going to be interesting. I have so much to do. :) I am hoping to not slack off in my blogging, but forgive me if I do. I am about a week behind in my classes so that takes priority. I will try to post, but things are going to be a little hectic. Love ya! Jenna Lee

I Need to Head to Bed

2009-06-07T02:16:00.003-06:00

Well. This will be short because I need to get to bed. I spent today in a car. I drove up to Idaho with Nikki and her two rugrats. :) It was fun and the kids were able to get used to me. It was great and I loved it. I didn't get hardly any reading done. My brain has closed off its inbox due to an overload and won't recieve anymore incoming information. It is so frustrating. I need it to "open up" as soon as possible. Chemotherapy on Friday didn't help it at all. Now I am dealing with "chemo brain." Argh!

On the ride home I didn't have any bad side effects from the chemo, thank heavens. When I got a little nauseated, I would munch on something (thanks Nik for providing snacks for your kids and me ;) ) and then I would feel better. I didn't hurt to badly either. But now I am worn out.

I know there isn't much posted here, but later I will post some pictures of our car ride. For now this will have to do. :) Night!

Super Busy Day And Super Tired Because Of It

2009-06-05T23:10:00.006-06:00

Today was a very busy day. I left Jon and Britt's house at 9:45 this morning and ever since then has been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride. I have enjoyed every minute of it though. :)

I went to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake (my home away from home) to talk to my doctor about what the plan is for me next. Which, I have learned, totally depends on me. Right now I know no further than two weeks from now. Today I got a chemotherapy drug called gemcitobene. It is one of the nicer drugs that I have had. They give me anzemet, a 24 hour anti-nausea drug, that takes care of the nausea totally. Other than feeling a little weaker I am doing great. After today, I get the same drug next week up in Idaho at MSTI. Then we wait to see what my body does, i.e. how low it drops my blood counts, mainly my platelets. If I like how it goes, we do it again and again and again, until it doesn't work for pain control or whatever happens. But whatever happens, happens and I have no control so I am not worrying about it.

Today as I was driving to the hospital (in my first rental car), the closer I got the faster my heartbeat got and the more nervous I got. By the time I got up to the clinic my heart rate was 120 beats per minute, which is kinda high. Normal for me is around 99-102. I was way nervous. As I was being checked in, Pam went to put my bracelet on with all my hospital info on it and I said, "Okay, on with the shackles." She said, "At least we let you go later today." And I said, "Well, yeah, but I still have to do time after I leave." Meaning once I leave doesn't mean that my "stay" isn't over. I still have next weeks chemo and side effects to fight through. The side effects might take four or five weeks! Then I get to do it all over again.

But, for the most part, I don't mind. I have things to do and finish here. I am in no hurry anymore. I am at peace with my cancer, once again, for the most part. I still have my days, like Wednesday, where I am thrown forcefully back into the sucky life of a cancer patient. Days like that make me want to work harder to get better to be able to work harder on things that I want and need to do so I don't go crazy. :) I don't like how I feel on those days so I try my best to leave them in the dust and not let them rule my life. I have better things to do than wallow in self pity or anguish.

After I was checked in, I was only alone for about 5-10 minutes before I had people in my room. Tons of people. :) My nurse, my psychologist and his rookie, my doctor, and my other doctor that was a rookie when I started all this, but is now a full-fledged doctor. Then we didn't do anything for a while which helped me to settle down a bit. We talked about what I was up to, what I was doing to keep myself busy, and some things that I have been working on getting done. I made my psychologist's day. :) He thought he was needing to come in and give me a talkin' to. Get me motivated to do stuff, because when I do stuff I do better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But he was pretty impressed with what I am doing. He told me that "little Jenna is all grown up now" and that I was like 30 years old! lol I told him not to push it.

I do feel older in a way though. I have learned how to deal with the life I have been given and how to push the right buttons for me to get self motivated. It is amazing. I have learned that there are things that matter and things that don't and not to consume my time with things that don't. For example, picking pointless fights with people just to prove I'm right. Now when I'm right I go "argh crap," especially with my chemistry class. I hate correcting teachers, but I also feel that I need to. Not only for me, but for my classmates as well. Funny thing is, my teacher welcomes it and even encourages it. lol He must be a pretty humble guy. lol

After spending six hours with people that I love and that love me that I am not related to and being sung to by a Marine Choir, I spent an hour trying to figure out what I was doing tonight. I needed to go see Grandma Hale, but I also wanted to go see Jerrod and his family. It was frustrating to be so close yet so far away and not be able to see his fam. So I arranged with Grandma and Nikki a plan that we would go visit her tomorrow morning before we headed out for Boise. I still owe Grandma a night of games even though she doesn't know that I owe her. :)

So I drove down to Payson to stay the night at Jerrod's house and hang out with the fam and then I will drive up tomorrow with Nik. I am so tired, sore and a little nauseated right now, but I just took some drugs to help me out. I should sleep like a baby tonight. Why do they say that? It isn't like babies don't wake up during the night! lol But I needed to post to make sure that I stay in the habit. It is a great habit for me. I have enjoyed it and I love getting comments from people, then I don't feel like I'm talking to myself. :) I get a lot of up lifting comments that help me feel better about what I am doing. Thanks y'all. Have a great day!

A Totally Better Day, Hurray!

2009-06-05T00:32:00.003-06:00

Today was totally fun. The funnest I've had since . . . some of my theatre classes last semester. I have been agonizingly overdue. :) In fact this entry is going to be pretty long because of all the pictures I want to post on it.

So here is what went on today. My friend, Rosalie, and I have been trying to hook up for months now. This time when I knew when I was coming down, I called her up and we made a date. We decided that we would go to the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple Open House and just hang out all day. That was a great decision. I would highly recommend the Open House to anybody. It is really beautiful inside (as I'm sure all temples are) and there is a wonderful spirit inside and on the grounds. The temple is set up on a hill up by the Kennecot Copper Mine so you can see everywhere around you. It is so pretty. It was a lovely, enlightening, impossible to describe experience. Especially after the thoughts and feelings of this last week. I am truly blessed to be able to be comforted by our Father in Heaven as many times as I have been and this time it was amazing to go from as low as I was to as high as I am. It was incredible.

I know without a doubt that He loves me and each and every one of His children. I know that every time one of us is going through a hard, rough time He and His Son want to help us as much as they can and they will as much as we let them. I am grateful for both of them and this wonderful Plan Of Happiness that we are blessed with and for the opportunity to have our families forever. I am also thankful for those that pray for me. I don't think they expected this quick of a turn around for me, but. . .wow. . .

After the temple, we went to Rose's apartment and played games until I felt to guilty for staying there and not being with others that have expressed a desire to see me or that I have a desire to see. We had so much fun though. It was wonderful. I didn't let myself think about school or anything. I seriously TOOK A DAY OFF!!! And it was really needed and wonderful. We played Rummy Cube which totally reminded me of my Grandma Hale.

When I was a kid, Mom's family would spend summer weekends up at Grandpa's Ranch, Hale's Rainbow Ranch in Star Valley Wyoming. When no one would want to play with me (or sometimes I with them eventually) I would go over to Grandma and Grandpa's cabin and play Rummy Cube with Grandma. I have a lot of fond memories of playing games with Grandma. She was always there to play when I needed it. So thanks Grandma Hale. I love you.

Well, y'all, thanks for reading my "thoughts." It is nice for me to be able to write thoughts and just send them out to whomever wishes. I'm usually not so free with my thoughts, but I have decided that I need to be and be honest about it. . .most of the time. :) Thanks for your prayers and thoughts in my behalf. Love you all. Good Night!

P.S. A couple of indian meanings for "oquirrh": Goshute is "wooded mountain." Not all that cool, but the Ute meaning is really interesting. It is "glowing" or "shinning mountains" because of the glow of the sun on them when it snows. Now that there is a temple on those mountains they will shine and glow like never before. Those Utes really know what they were talking about!

If You Are Grouchy, Irritable, or Mean There Will Be A $50 Fine For Puting Up With You

2009-06-03T23:17:00.007-06:00

There is no real reason for that title really, it just serves as a reminder to me to not be cranky when I'm struggling with thoughts in my head or with pain.

Today has been one of those days that I have struggled with. I couldn't focus a whole lot on my studies, which means I'm further behind than I would like to be. Ever since going to see Dr. Randall things have been a little different. I have found myself looking off into the distance or up at the sky and thinking, "Man, my life really sucks" with an overwhelming sadness in my being. Now I find myself crying without really know why besides . . . well . . . my life sucks right now. I am in an awful predicament. Today I have hit a wall where I am sick of pretending, and in part believing, that everything is hunky dory and not feeling that there is any other way to act! And I am only half way through my week!!!! Which is totally frustrating beyond description and totally unfair to those I have yet to hang out with for the rest of the week. Lucky for me half of the time I have left is going to be spent up at Primary Children's with the docs and people that know how much my situation sucks. But I have to be good (i.e. not grouchy, irritable, or mean :) ) until then. This is an awful fight at which I feel that I am alone in and losing horribly.

Now I sleep to wake in another day of this battle that rages within me. Tonight I might be faltering, but tomorrow I arise anew and ready to begin again. (wow. . . either that is really good or really cheesy. lol)

How Ever Long The Night, The Dawn WILL Break

2009-06-03T00:55:00.005-06:00

Okay so I left my camera hook up for the computer at home so I will have to post pictures later.

Today I flew down to Salt Lake City. My first flight all by myself. I was pretty proud I made it here actually and not somewhere like, St. Louis, then I really would have been in trouble. lol
The flight was pretty good. I have decided I need to fly more because I get more reading for school done on a plane than anywhere else. :)

After I got to SLC, I went up to see Dr. Randall. He is . . . Well, there is not really a word to describe him. He is the busiest person I know and yet he is always there for me, to give me a hug and encourage me to hang in there. He lets me cry on his shoulder and get his shirt all wet and doesn't give a rat's behind about it. He lets me cry without making me feel like I have to be strong. He is a great man and knowing him has totally changed the way I think about life.

Remember, Today Is The Tomorrow yYou Worried About Yesterday.

2009-06-02T01:59:00.006-06:00

I have been so stressed with school. It seems that whenever I get one thing done I need to do another thing by tomorrow. It is crazy, but I love it (most of the time). Yesterday, I was freaking out because I had so much on my list to do today before I fly down to Utah: Criminal Justice Test, Lab Experiments, Laundry, Go into Boise to get my Passport in the Mail, Clean the house, Pack, Check in for my Flight, Rent a Car . . . I think that might be all. lol But I did get it all done. Once I got my Criminal Justice Test out of the way, I felt much better. It was the first test for this semester. I always hate those. I almost forgot the two most important things on my list for tomorrow. It was like 10:00 pm when I remembered that I needed to check in and rent a car. That would not have been good. :)

When I got my picture taken for my passport I was not too happy with my picture, but when you are bald, it is kind of hard to get a picture that you like. Joie's picture on the other hand was very pretty. Well, I am going to attempt to go to bed. Night, Night!!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

2009-06-01T01:18:00.005-06:00

I totally believe this especially with my up coming test tomorrow. :) I am so nervous and I don't know how much of the information I have taken in. Right now I just hope it is enough for a B, but I don't think I have even that much in my head. :( I know that there is real power in prayer. I feel the strength of the prayers made in my behalf and also the thoughts sent my way. I know that if I do all that I can, Heavenly Father will help me remember what I need to. Anyway, wish me luck and pray that I can remember what I have studied.

Tomorrow is a very busy day. It is a preparation day for when I fly down to Utah!! I am so excited and freaked out at the same time. lol It will be what I make of it. It can either be stressful or full of fun and I think I want the "full of fun" option. Life is more fun that way. lol Well, goodnight y'all!

I Wish This Was My Problem. LOL :)

2009-05-31T00:17:00.002-06:00

This picture is entitled, "Why I can't work." Like I said in my title, I wish this was my problem because it is a whole lot easier to solve. Just kick the cat off the computer. :) No, my problem, as usual, is more . . . complicated. I can't seem to focus on anything lately. I guess my brain is fried. Not that I blame it. I went three years with little or no brain exercises except for Brain Age on Nintendo DS. :( Now that I am doing back-to-back semesters, I think my hardware is crashing. :) Hopefully I can jump start my battery and be able to focus again. Soon!!!

I know when I am tired. . .

2009-05-30T00:57:00.004-06:00

I know when I am tired when I hurt all over. My right knee, ankle, hip (at the front and in back), my head, my eyes, my lower-back, my left wrist. . . need I go on? I haven't been very good to my body lately, especially since it needs sleep to rejuvenate and heal from my activities, or lack thereofe, during the day. I have had too many two or three o'clock in the mornings followed by waking up at eight or nine o'clock. That is why I can't get mad at anyone else when I am hurting because it is partially my own fault. Sometimes I wonder if I had taken better care of my body . . . sigh. It doesn't matter now. If I sat and stewed over the "what ifs" I would be totally miserable and full of sorrow because I would start believing that I have cancer and it is my own fault. "I didn't exercise enough." "I had horrible sleeping patterns as a teenager." (not much has changed on that point) "I didn't eat healthy." The truth is that none of these things has squat to do with my cancer. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. I was just born with it and something triggered it into action. It pretty much sucks.

I am grateful, however, because I have learned so much about myself and what I really would like to do with my life. I have taken more interest in science. I now believe that if I had the time, I could do whatever I wanted in the biological sciences. That is my dream, to get enough schooling to try and help out in the fight against cancer. I want to figure out a way to eradicate it from the earth. Cancer is a horrible disease that affects everyone. It causes so much sorrow and sadly cancer goes unnoticed until a person is affected by it. Everyone thinks, "Cancer is for old people. I won't get cancer." That is what I thought anyway. And here I am . . . getting sick of hurting every night and not being able to accomplish what I wanted and hoped to do in my life.

It is amazing. I have never known what I have wanted to do with my life. Now that I know, I can't do anything about it. Now instead of going for my dream I have to settle for less. I am working on getting an Associates in General Science and it will be by and through the grace of God if I am able to do that. My advice to anyone: If you have a passion, dream, or goal for anything, don't be afraid of failing or the work that is required to achieve it. JUST GO AND DO. DON'T HESITATE. A person can only do that which they honestly try and if he/she will work hard anything is possible.

Not Much to Write Today.

2009-05-29T01:54:00.005-06:00

I can't believe how fast time is passing and yet how slow. It is a paradox I know, but that is totally how it seems. I look back and think "Wow! That was only a couple of weeks ago?!" Then I look forward and think, "Wow! It is almost June!!"

Today was pretty much like yesterday, but I took some time to enjoy outside more today. I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but that is okay. Right now I am just thinking about today. Not tomorrow, or my test on Monday in Criminal Justice for which I am NOT ready for . . . oh, yeah. I'm not thinking about that. lol

I did however get my itinerary done for while I am in Utah next week. Tomorrow I am getting everything ready for school that I need to get done before I get back along with studying like crazy for my test. Which, for not thinking about it, it sure does show up a lot. hehe I will be prepared by Monday though. Wish me luck in all of my preparatory plans. :)

My Post For The Next 8 Weeks.

2009-05-28T00:42:00.007-06:00

I now know when I have been doing too much homework because I never have anything to write. My brain is fried and I don't even want to think anymore. This is where I have been for the last two days!!! Today I had a melt down because I have so much to do and feel like I don't have the time for it. And I have spent so much time on one homework assignment that I feel like I haven't done anything because I am not where I feel I should be. Sigh. This is a crazy life that I am trying to lead. I cannot handle stress very well anymore, but yet I keep piling it on. I must be insane. I just need to remember to take one day at a time and if that gets too overwhelming, then take it hour by hour. I am getting better at managing my time and figuring out what I need to do when, but, man, I need a break. The next 8 or so weeks will be mighty interesting.

Nothing Much to Report Today.

2009-05-27T00:19:00.009-06:00

Today all I did was school work. My brain actually had a meltdown after 7 hours. In fact, if anybody understands the sublevels of electrons will you call me and explain them to me? lol Well, I will try it again tomorrow. :)

Hope everyone is having a great summer and doing things like this!

P.S. Steph and Colby, I'm so sad you are moving to Houston, Texas, but good luck! You'll love it.

Memorial Day! My Favorite Holiday!!

2009-05-26T00:46:00.025-06:00

I have finally decided on my favorite holiday. It doesn't really surprise me considering how much I love to hear about my ancestors and what they were like. This Memorial Day was fast and a little wearing on my body. Dad, Mom, Joie, and I all went to American Falls to visit the graves of Grandma and Grandpa Walker and a few Greats and Great-Greats and then stop by Grandma and Grandpa Rudds house. It is always fun. Here are just a few pictures of our trip:

We started off in Aberdeen where Grandma Mary Walker was buried by her first husband and her parents.

Next stop was to visit Aunt Eileen's grave in American Falls. This is the most beautiful Cemetery I have seen. Well, at least the one with the best view.

Then we went to Neeley Cemetery to visit the Walkers. There were five gernerations there, me, Dad, Levi Rufus (his dad), Lemuel Levi, (Dad's Grandpa), and Rufus (Dad's Great Grandpa and the first one to join the LDS Church).

We ended our trip with a stop at Grandma and Grandpa Rudd's. I love going there. Their home is so inviting and there is always something to talk about. Plus they live right on the American Falls Reservior. Beautiful views complete with waterfalls, a little bridge over a brook, and cows. lol

Joie and I wanted a better picture of the little bridge so we crossed the cattle gaurd to go around a fence. The cows ran away from us at first, but then they came jaunting up to us pretty close, too close for my comfort anyway.

I was trapped on the other side of the fence and ended up haveing to jump a fence. I haven't done that since I was about fourteen. My body could take it then. This time it was a little pathetic. Joie had to give me a piggy back ride off of the fence. The whole situation was down right hillarious and we almost fell over laughing our guts out!!

I am so thankful for my ancestors and the trials they went through and the choices they made. I am sad that I have not been able to meet them. My Great-Great-Great Grandfather gave up the love of his family here on earth for the hope of being together with them for all eternity. I have other ancestors that came to this country so that they could have a better life and give their posterity the chance to do better than they were able to. I am greatful for their example in making choices for the betterment of those to come and not those that are. I hope I can follow their example and make choices that are not better for me, but for others that I love.

Short and sweet.

2009-05-24T22:30:00.015-06:00

I actually wrote that last post last night, but it wouldn't upload the picture so I waited to post it. Anyway, I am going to make this entry short and sweet. I am exhausted, run down, and achy.

I start off every semester telling my teachers that I am "a dedicated student to their class, but I am a terminal cancer patient without a deadline." I seem to think it is very funny and at the same time very, very true. Each teacher has told me that they are willing to do whatever they could to help me out during the semester. This semester is a little . . . special. I take careful consideration in choosing my teachers for my classes. I use a website, http://www.pickaprof.com/ to help in making my decisions. The website is a place where students can go and rate their professors and it give the percentage of A's, B's, C's, etc. There is also a feature that lets you write feed back on the professors. Anyway, in choosing my professors I used the website, but I was also drawn more to certain teachers. It turns out that when I told them that I was dying, but I don't have a timeline. . .yet. . .they both emailed me back and commended me on how I am spending my time. Here is what makes this semester special: one wrote me back and said he had a malignant brain tumor 11 years ago and the other wrote back that his wife is a four-time cancer survivor and for the last 10 years they have lived under the possible shadow of her being in the same boat that I am currently in.

When I got these emails I have broken down into tears in amazement at how He is looking out for me. I am truely blessed and now I am not so worried about my classes. It is amazing. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. I know that He is aware of each one of us and "pulls strings" to help us out in our lives before we even know that we need "strings pulled." It is remarkable to me and only strengthens my testimony that He loves each one of us. Something I was so sure of three or four years ago I can now say I have a sure knowlegde of it and I wouldn't dare to say otherwise. I am so thankful for Him and His spirit. The spirit speaks peace to my heart constantly. Everytime I quiet myself down and kick Satan out of my thoughts I can hear Him speaking peace to my heart. I know with assurity that I am where I need to be at this time, at this place, at this moment and thank the Lord, my God, for the love and peace He has given me to know that. Not only now, but in times past. May I remember those moments of peace, comfort, and love forever and ever.

Paintings:
“See!” By Grant
“Christ and Child”
By Danny Hahlbohm

Thanks Dr. Meeker for Your Words of Advice.

2009-05-24T02:45:00.005-06:00

Dr. Meeker was the doctor that told me three years ago to take one day at a time and don't look into the future. When I did worry about what was coming then I would start to freak out, like the previous post. :) Today I am doing better. I still don't know how thing are going to work out, but I am more focused on just getting done what I can today and prioritizing my time more effectively for tomorrow. Now I am sleep deprived, exhausted, sore, and it takes me hours to get moving in the morning. :( But I am learning and trying to do things better so I can get to bed earlier. Tonight however is not one of those nights. :) Tonight, I do have a peace that is in me that I am grateful for. I am not as worried about my Chemistry class, which then floods over into not worrying about my Criminal Justice class. I now have a belief that everything will turn out as it should. YEAH!!!

For a closing note tonight I wish to talk about one thing I realized that a really missed a lot. I had the windows open in my room trying to cool it down. The wind blew in and I smelt something that reminded me of my Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley, WY. Not only was I reminded of the physical place, but also some memories of the peace that I had once been able to find up there, and my grandmother and grandfather, and being a little kid when everything was easier and simpler. (Sigh.) I hoped that I wouldn't fall back into reality too quickly, but I did, like a brick. All I have to say is thank God for memories. They contain a sense of peace and love that we need to remember over and over and over; never forget.

2009-05-22T22:41:00.006-06:00

What a crazy day. I didn't get anything done for either of my classes. So now I feel even further behind. This is insane and I am hoping that things get better. . .SOON!!!

I finally decided that somethings needed to be placed on the back burner until the middle of July to try and alleviate some of my irritating nervousness. Things like trying to put together a trip for my whole family and my Pioneer Cemetery Project. I really don't want to do that, but it is better to try and cut down my "To Do List" by prioritizing, than to start getting grouchy because I am stressed out beyond a rational level.

I don't even know how to explain how I feel other than I am so dissapointed that I can't keep up with everything. I just can't do everything physically. If I try I end up running around with my head cut off not know which way is up and which way is down. (Sigh.) It is so frustrating that sometimes I just want to break down into tears. Plus I am so afraid of doing more chemo because that is not going to help my situation, but only add to my problems.

I need to relax and stop saying that I am stressed and just keep trying to catch up. I also need to remember what one of my doctors told me so long ago, "Just take one day at a time."

Artwork: "Frustration" by Grady Zeeman

The Sun Smiles Upon Me Again.

2009-05-22T01:53:00.004-06:00

I really like that phrase. Last semester, while studying Music Appreciation my class was studying Richard Wagner's first act of The Valkayrie, where Siegmund meets Sieglinde and they fall in love. Both characters have had very bad luck lately. So the first time Siegmund sees Sieglinde, he feels his burdens being lifted off of him and says, "The sun smiles upon me again." Of course refering to the beauty of Sieglinde and the power love has of making everything else seem okay.

But as I was studying this, I was having a hard time with making decisions. Something I really hate to do. Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not to do any more chemo. . .period. Not for a while, but for ever. That is a very difficult, burdensome decision to make. Everytime I thought about not doing chemo I thought to myself that I might as well sign my death certificate, grab a shovel, and dig a hole 4 feet by 6 feet and dig 1 foot for every month I am still here. Depressing I know. But everytime I thought about doing chemo I would cry. Chemo does more damage than just physical damage. I really didn't know that until my last hospital admission. There I had way too much time to think, watch t.v., and be miserable because my nose was still bleeding after almost 20 hours. I was miserable because of the nosebleed, I didn't see a reason for me to still be in the hospital after I hadn't been bleeding for 24 hours, I didn't have anyone there to make me laugh or even to talk to, and I was still in school, knowing that I was getting further and further behind each day. Which was very heartbreaking for me because I love school and I really want to do well in my classes and this was keeping me from doing that. After all that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to do chemo again. . . ever.

Anyway it was during this period of frustration, exhaustion, and pure mental chaos and hell that I read that sentence, "The sun smiles upon me again." After I read that I felt just as Siegmund did, a burden coming off of my shoulders and I was able to relax a little more. This was so because of the substitution that I made in the sentence: The Son smiles upon me again." I was reminded that my savior is alway there for me and while I may not know what is coming next and don't want to have to decide what is coming up next, everything will some how turn out okay. That has been the constant message to me these past years: some how everything is as it should be. I am eternally greatful for that and for my Savior who is always standing by me and helps pick me up after I have tripped myself up or just don't have the strength to stand alone anymore. Thank you. Thank you so much!!

This thought came because today I was in less pain than yesterday!! Therfore I was able to be more alert because of no pain meds. It was a much better day. The Son Smiles Upon me is now the sentence that will always bring me comfort and a smile to my face. :)

One Rough Day.

2009-05-21T00:55:00.005-06:00

Today was one of those days that I probably should have slept through and could easily have done so. I woke up in pain today and had to deal with it most of the day. The pain is in my right hip where I have three tumors (I think there's three, anyway) and down the rest of my leg to my ankle. So I took pain medication which made me want to sleep, but I am doing online classes and I am way behind already after three days. And the pain med made me nauseated so I took some antinausea medicine. It was crazy! I was either fighting off pain (until the meds kicked in) or fighting sleep (so I could read for class). Now that I look back on my day I really wish that I had just slept through it. I didn't get a whole lot done and I feel horrible now, like I'm "hung over" or something. I don't know how to end this entry except for a prayer that tomorrow will be better. I have too many good things to do to be dealing with crap! Wish me luck and keep the prayers coming. They are appreciated and felt.

jenna lee

A Stressful Day.

2009-05-20T00:06:00.003-06:00

Okay, so, one thing chemo and cancer has affected is my ability to cope with stress! Today I just about lost it. I have a few things going on, but I SHOULD NOT be this stressed out.

This last Monday I started two online classes through Boise State University. Why? Well, because I have sat around for three years and. . . well, I'm sick of it. Plus I learned last week that I am about 20 credits away from graduating with an Associates in General Science. I have always wanted to graduate from college and this might be all that I'll be able to do before the worst comes. So I have gone "gung-ho" and overwhelmed myself. (Sigh) Oh, well. Things will work out and get better as the semester continues.

Another thing that is going on, is that my family is going to go on a trip to Vancouver, Canada. Since it is me that wants to go, I was put in charge of looking up airfare, hotels, car rentals, the money exchange rate, etc. So I am going from website to website looking for good prices and I am starting to thing that this probably a lot easier than I am thinking it is. But for now, I just need to do something to wind down tonight. My nerves are still on edge from keeping so busy today and feeling like I still didn't get anything done!!! I HATE THAT!!!!

An FYI:

In case anyone has ever gotten candle wax in carpet I now know the solution. Thanks to http://ask.yahoo.com/20040210.html. lol Yes, along with everything else, I had a candle overflow and drip on the carpet. Well, here is the solution: get a cloth or paper bag and place it over the spot. Then place a warm iron on the cloth/paper bag and iron the spot. The cloth/paper bag will "soak up" the wax and remove it from the carpet!! I didn't think it would work, but it was amazing!!! Hope you never have to try it.

A Theory On Why We Keep Going.

2009-05-18T22:19:00.006-06:00

People have asked me how I can go through cancer with such a good attitude. I only have one answer: What else am I supposed to do? I mean, when a person is faced with any difficulty they have two options: to ride the wave or to fight the wave. One is way easier to do and is more enjoyable than the other, but the point is that the wave is still there. It will happen no matter how you choose react to it.

I am reminded of a horse that was found in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit. It survived the hurricane and the floods, but it ended up losing a leg and was in very poor health. The horse worked to get better and worked with the veterinarian as it fitted it with a prosthetic leg. The horse's attitude impressed its caretakers so much that when they fit it with the prosthetic leg, they had a smiley face carved into the bottom of it so that where ever the horse went it would leave an actual smile behind it.

So, "What else am I supposed to do?" I can be miserable for the rest of time. Or I can just accept what is going on and try to be at peace with it. Try to make the better of the decisions thrown my way, cause none of them are "happy, feel good" options, and weigh each decision with great care and consideration.

I am also greatful for the teachings I have been given about the atonement of Christ. The knowledge I have has blessed me often and helped calm my troubled heart. I am thankful for my Savior and that he loved me so much that he was willing to make the sacrifice for me. I am also thankful for my parents. They have been great through the last three years as they have tried to help ease the burden of my decisions and consequences. It all has helped me continue to keep truckin along and try to be at peace with my trials.

Why do I wait until the LAST MINUTE to do things??!!!

2009-05-18T00:36:00.010-06:00

I really need to do this earlier than just as I am falling asleep or after I have taken pain meds. lol :)

Anyway, I was really busy on Saturday cleaning house with Joie and then running around HSB taking pictures and today I have paid a price for it. Totally worth it, but, man, my body aches! Mostly my lower back, but every now and then a nerve in my hips will pinch. So oxycodone is my friend right now.

The pictures that we took I have been wanting to take for a while now. A couple of years ago, I took a Family History class through the Boise State Institute where I learned about a website, http://www.findagrave.com/. It is a website where people can post information from cemeteries and post pictures of either the cemetery logs or the tombstones themselves. While in the class, I looked up what had been done for my local cemetery and a lot of information had been entered, but no pictures had been posted, which a lot of people like to have pictures to cite their work from. So I have been wanting to go up and take pictures of all the grave sites and post either the information, pictures or both. It turned out that the cemetery is bigger than I thought it was and doing this was a pretty ambitious goal. lol I think there are over 500 graves there. That is almost as many people there are living in the town of Horseshoe Bend!! It is a lot of work, but it is a great service for which I am happy to do and it is a lot of fun and very uplifting. There is an awesome spirit surrounding any sort of genealogy work. I love it!!

For closing: Another Joke, great for a Monday!!

A Little Humor

2009-05-17T00:40:00.009-06:00

It is too late for anything else. :)

THE 84 YEAR OLD BRIDE

The local news stations was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married. . . for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money. . . two for the show. . . three to get ready. . . and four to go!!!"

Can't top the cleverness of this old lady. :)

Some of my days are just like everyone else's. :)

2009-05-15T23:19:00.007-06:00

Today was a pretty good day. I started out not know what to do. Something I am sure everyone struggles with. lol. I chatted with our old foreign exchange student Pathomchai from Thailand. He had no suggestions and I wasn't about to ask Mom because I would have ended up cleaning. :) I was all on my own, by choice. I got sick of t.v. It is amazing at how sick of it I can get. Then I had an idea: Why not do some scripture study?! So I pulled out my LDS April Conference Ensign, downloaded the Saturday morning session, and found a nice place to study. My floor. :) Once I got started I realized that I should be doing this more often, instead of playing xBox games or watching t.v. I read President Eyring's talk on becoming provident temporally and spiritually. With they way things are going in my life I am more worried about being spiritually provident than temporally.

President Eyring talked about addictions and how we can willingly had over our freedom to our addictions. So I thought, "What are my addictions?" There wasn't anything serious like drugs (although there are some nice drugs out there), but I have decided that I am addicted to sleep. I have figured out these last three years of dealing with cancer that the less I am awake the less I have to be conciously aware that I am sick, bald, and, now, living with terminal cancer with no deadline. While sleeping does keep me sane, to a point, I think I abuse it too much.

Another of my addictions is going to LDS Institute of Religion classes. I love them. So much so that I graduated from the Institute in two years, spread out over time of course. I loved taking an hour or two out of my busy school schedule and calm things down a bit to study the gospel. I learned so much and I hope to continue taking classes even though I am a graduate.

My closing thought for tonight has to do with my cat, Luna, and my mom's dog, Jasper. Jasper loves to tease Luna, who is just a stick in the mud. :) She can't stand him. While I was studying, Jasper came up and started to tease Luna. When Luna had told him off and told him she had had enough he went and laid down next to her. I went over to Jasper and gave him kisses and then turned to Luna and did the same. Only Jasper followed me. While I was kissing Luna, so was Jasper. This kind of reminds me of bickering Kids and an understanding, loving Parent. When we fight amongst ourselves or hurt someone, He is there to comfort all hurting hearts and can even get a "Dog" to give kisses to a "Cat". I hope I learn from this and remember to have a little more charity in my heart.

For the Fam. Extended or Otherwise.

2009-05-15T02:07:00.001-06:00

Well family, I am going to attempt what I have been asked to do by many of you. You all wonder how my days go and how I am dealing with everything so I am going to try to give you insights through this blog. Not all my posts will be cancer related because that would drive me crazy! I am trying to make more of my life than cancer. Hopefully this will help me talk truthfully about what is on my mind. Well, let's give this a whirl. It is going to be a bumpy ride, I can tell you that much. :)