Services for Jenna Lee...

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 – July 14, 2010

Jenna Lee Walker passed away July 14, 2010 at her home in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho. She had been diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma in March of 2006. Jenna was born August 23, 1985 in Bountiful, Utah to Robert Levi and Linda Lee Hale Walker. She graduated with High Honors from Horseshoe Bend High School as Salutatorian, Class of 2003. She was a member of the National Honor Society and recognized as an All-American Scholar by the United States Achievement Academy. Jenna also enjoyed playing on the school basketball and softball teams. She continued her education at Brigham Young University and at Boise State University where she was inducted into The National Society of Collegiate Scholars.

Jenna loved learning about the people, places and animals of the Earth. She was a person who loved God, her family, and always desired to serve others. Despite her pain and hardship, Jenna was always an example of love, patience, humility, and faith to all that were blessed to know her.

Jenna is survived by her parents Robert and Linda, sisters Nikki and Joie, and brothers Jerrod, Jon, and Jordan. Viewings will be held July 21 from 6:00-8:00 pm and July 22 from 1:30-3:00 pm. A funeral service will be held July 22 at 3:00 pm. The viewings and the funeral service will be held at the Horseshoe Bend LDS Chapel (447 Highway 52, Horseshoe Bend, Idaho). A graveside service will be held at 2:00 pm July 23 at the Neeley Idaho Cemetery (3251 Eagle Rock Road, Neeley, Idaho).

It was Jenna’s wishes that those desiring to send flowers send a contribution to Primary Children’s Medical Center instead. Donations in Jenna’s name may be sent to: Ewing’s Research, c/o Center for Children’s Cancer Research, Huntsman Cancer Institute, 2000 Circle of Hope Drive, Salt Lake City, UT 84112 – 5550, ATTN: Stephan L. Lessnick, M.D., Ph.D.

Jenna Lee Returned to her Heavenly Father...

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 - July 14, 2010

Jenna returned home to her Heavenly Father Wednesday, July 14th at 9:36 pm. After her four year battle with Ewing's Sarcoma, a bone or soft tissue cancer, she was finally released from her earthy body.

We are still planning all of the funeral arrangements, but we will post them as soon as everything is finalized. We know that the Funeral will be Thursday, July 22, in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho.

We are grateful for all of the prayers that have been said on Jenna's behalf, and we are grateful for the prayers that are being said for our family and those who love her. We are feeling the comforting powers of the Spirit and are so grateful for The Loving Plan of Our Father in Heaven that will allow us to dwell with her and Our Heavenly Father again.

We Love You, Jenna Lee, and we are grateful that your trials of this life are over and you are no longer suffering. Please watch over us, and visit us when we are in need of your love.

We will miss you!

Wow. What a week.

Well, we went to the ranch last week. It was so fun to have everyone there. ALL members of the Rob and Linda Walker family.......6 children, 4 spouses and 8 grandchildren! The ranch house was packed! We played horseshoes,mowed lawns,
bought a belt to fix one of the mowers, played on the swings, mowed more lawn,went to town to buy a different sized belt for the broken mower, went 4 wheeling, mowed more lawn, zipped down the zip line, trimmed edges, played cards, trimmed around buildings,returned all the belts for the mower, none would fit!...watched videos, filled the pond,took naps(me mostly),went exploring in the woods, played in the playhouse, and we did a lot of cooking, eating and cleaning! I came out of my room to eat some meals with everyone. Jon and Jerrod carried me and my wheelchair down the steps and into the "play ground" to watch when I felt well enough! Fun! Wonderful memories!

When we got home, it took me 3 days or longer to recover. During that time, Jon called me to tell me that his best friend, Will Packer passed away. I was devasted for my cousin Heidi Hale Packer. They have not been married long but had a great outlook on life and a great plan worked out for their future. Since I was on a ton of pain meds, I had not remembered Jon calling me or any of our conversation. A few days later I overheard my mom talking about it on the phone. Since I could not remember Jon's phone call it was to me like hearing it for the first time breaking my heart all over again.

I am jealous of Will being able to return Home before me! Heavenly Father must have really needed him to take him so quickly. For here I am....broken up, bruised and too often unable to do much of anything because of being in so much excruiating pain. I am ashamed of my feelings of jealousy and anger. I am also frustrated because I want to go so badly even knowing I would cause my family another funeral this summer season. I love my familiy. They mean so much to me. They have been an anchor to me, helping my testimony grow. I am thankful to know that families are forever and we will be together again.
with sincerity,and love,
jennalee

busy day but wearing out.

Wow. I am exhausted. I haven't done much, but oh well. I have two projects going and both can take up quite a bit of time. I love to do them so that is good.

I am working on more jingle boxes. It is good for me because I can see my progress and I know that the time is not wasted and is going toward a good cause.

I am also working on getting my Vancouver photos into a photo album so that others could see the fun that we had. Reminiscing over the events saved in photography brought joy and laughter to me.

I am also wanting to put my San Fransisco pictures in an album so that is probably what I am going to do next.

Nothing much is going on. I am just trying to stay busy with projects that I get satisfaction from.

The last week I had some pain in my shoulder and in my lower back. It is painful times like these where I wonder if there is anyone still praying that I will "get better soon". I prayerfully ask that they wouldn't. I am so exhausted and my body is all beaten up. I am sorry if I offend or disappoint anyone by that request. I cannot continue to being so run down, exhausted and in pain for much longer. I hope that there is a time soon coming that I will no more continue to be among you. I love you, but please let me go.

IT IS SNOWING!!!!

Okay, I know it has been a while since I last blogged, but this is too cool to share! I can't believe we are having snow in LATE MAY!!!! I tried to post a picture but it didn't work.

Well, don't get you hopes up. I will try to write more often than I have been. I try to remind myself that this is a good form of therapy, but when I have so many mundane days in a row I think that people don't need to hear the same thing over and over again. But I promise I will do better. more than a couple of times a month anyways.

I am now living on the main floor of the house in what was the "guest bedroom". Mom, has worked her hardest to make it feel like my room and brought things down from my room. For example, she brought down a couple of framed pieces and hung them up and also a bulletin board,a couple of pieces of furniture, my TV, and my comfy recliner. Her and Dad also cleaned out the closet so that I have a place to put my clothes. I appreciate all of their hard work. The room is maybe a quarter the size of my old one, but I never used up all the space that I had, so it feels good to downsize.

I moved to the main floor because I am now totally dependant on my mom and dad for everything, i.e. going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting out of bed, changing my clothes and many other every day movements, for example I need them to come and get things for me that are not in my immediate area, which must be a little aggravating for them. I believe they are sick of the phrase, "Can you come here for a minute?" lol. I have a table by my bed that has a few things on it like a clock, lamp, radio, and place to put a glass of water. I really need to engineer a new table with shelves so that I can reach more things.

Soon after I lost my legs I sat in my recliner for too long and ended up getting a pressure sore caused by not shifting or moving for a long period of time. Also, I have a tumor right under the skin that is rapidly growing and expanding into any facet of my lower back. Not moving and the tumor getting bigger created a "Perfect Storm" (so to speak), so I ended up with a five inch pothole with tunnels growing just below my skin. It is pretty gross and it has, and will take, a long time to heal and I am not sure it will totally heal up. My nurses up here said that they don't see very many pressure sores and the few that see saw never healed completely up.

It is because of this misery that I have to be turned every two hours morning, afternoon and night. Also, I am afraid to be up and around in my wheel chair for very long in fear that the wound would get worse. Over the last month or so it has started to heal and I hope that it continues to do so.

In the meantime I have taken up making "jingle boxes." They are plastic square panels stiched together. Each side is stiched in a different color, e.g. red, orange, blue, etc. Within the box is two jingle bells. These "jingle boxes" are eventually shipped by the church's Humanitarian Center to kids that have very little. It serves as a rattle and is also used to teach them colors. It makes me feel good because I can see the progress that I am making and I am doing service to those that are in need. I don't know who it is recieved by, but I hope that it is put to good use. :)

This last week Jerrod was able to come up and spend some time with me. We just hung out together. I taught him how to make a jingle box. When he left he took some supplies to teach Anna how to make them. :) We then put together a puzzle of Vancouver. It was so much fun to put it together because some of the places that we went to were on the puzzle. lol It also motivated me to get my pictures of Vancouver printed off and put together an album. I am really excited to do that. I have my picture printed. Now all I have to do is put the album together. It touches my heart that he is putting a lot of effort to come and hang out with me. I am so thankful for that. I am able to make even more memories that stand out and gets me out of my mundane schedule. We always have fun together.

I know that if my other brothers and sisters could do that I know that they would. Things are pretty tight right now and I get that. I love them all so much. I don't love one more that the other. I just love them for different things. :) I love my mom and dad too. lol.

I love you all.

Jenna Lee

Bad Day...but there is a hero...

Today has been a difficult day for Our Jenna Lee. She had a rough night last night. She had a big day yesterday, and she has had an increase in her pain since. She has no feeling in her legs, and as of today, she can't move her left leg. She can still maneuver her right leg, but the mental impact of not being able to move her left leg has left her worn out today. It is emotionally crippling as well as physically.

But Luna has been by her side all day. I walked into Jenna's room this morning and I pushed Luna off the bed so that I could have a place to sit. She curled herself up into the closet. But the funny thing is that, you can see how she had to struggle to get her big body into the small space in the closet. Then, Luna just hung out there until she decided she was hungry.

Then, she ended up with Jenna. Jenna has been sleeping a lot today, but she has been trying her hardest to get around. She decided that she needed some "exercise" so she wheeled herself around the kitchen. It was really cute to see her go find mom in the laundry room. She has a great relationship with mom, and mom helps her to calm down, and mom listens to her. It is really amazing to watch.

Mom asked me to take this picture. It is just a small measure of the comfort that Luna is able to offer to Jenna. There is nothing better than an animal that understands what you need, and is there for you, no matter what. We are grateful that Jenna has her Luna. She has done a lot for Jenna's comfort and healing.

The Blessings we have...

Happy Day!!! We are all so happy to be together...

These top pictures were from yesterday. We set up the card table in Jenna's room, and we all hung out there all day. We were able to get some craft projects done for my mom and Joie was even able to do her homework. We were pretty efficient for the 4 of us.

Jenna actually ventured away from home today. She decided that she wanted to go to church. Yeah for Jenna Lee. She was the first one up this morning, and sadly the last one ready for Church. That was a new experience for our little Jenna Lee. She was a little discouraged by the fact that both her older sister and her younger sister beat her getting ready, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!! When I came downstairs this morning, Dad had gotten Jenna breakfast, and pushed her up to the sink to brush her teeth. Much easier that maneuvering her giant wheelchair into the bathroom. I took over the rest of getting Jenna ready. I helped her get dressed, and do her hair, and we luckily remembered to put one some basics like deodorant. Hahaha! Remembering the basics for someone else is a little more difficult than it is for just myself.

Everyone at the Horseshoe Bend Branch is so wonderful. There were tears in peoples eyes as I pushed Jenna's wheelchair into sacrament meeting. They were so excited to see her come to church. She hasn't been to church for quite some time. We were received with peace and warmth. The people up here love Jenna so much and are so grateful for her example. She is really inspiring to a lot of people, not just me.

rc.

This was Jenna's first car ride since she came home from Utah in January. She was really excited to go to church.

But Church really tuckered her out. She froze to death. We had to send Joie home to get her a pair of socks, and Dad had to go out to the car to get the BYU blanket from the trunk. We spent a lot of time getting her comfortable in her wheel chair. Sitting in one place for too long is really painful for her, and since she can't just stand up and move around, we all had to help her with that.

Joie had to leave today at 2:30pm. It was really hard to say goodbye to her. We have so much fun when we are together. Joie brings excitement and light heartedness with her every where she goes. She is such a joy to have around. She will be home from school for a couple of weeks in April. Then she will be heading back out to BYU-I.

A Sisterly Smooch!!! We are so blessed to have sisters. For anyone who does not have the blessing of sisters, I am so sorry. There is such a comfort that sisters bring. There is such a joy that is felt when we are all together. It would have been so great if our other sisters, Erika, Brittany, and the newest sister, Krista could have joined us this weekend. They were missed and loved. We are so grateful for them, and their willingness to love our brothers, cause heaven knows, we struggled with that growing up. :) I guess it is easier to love those boys now!!! We have so many things to be grateful for...sisters, brothers, spouses, kids, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I find myself excited for eternal life, where we can all be together and know that the struggles of this life were not only worth it, but over. I am excited to see everyone there.

We were laughing about Joie's bangs and how it looks like they are attacking Jenna's head. AUGHHHHHHH!!! Watch out for the BANGS!!!!

Oh, Joie!!! I already miss you!!!!!

Jenna froze her toes off today!!!! Jenna's pain has been really well controlled by medicine, however, the theory on her pain easing is this...There is a visible tumor on Jenna's lower back. The last time my family and I were here, Jenna was in unbearable pain. She has been totally different on this trip, and we think that the tumor in her lower back has essentially attacked the nerves in the area. She is totally unable to walk. She has no feeling in her legs and feet, unless she gets too cold, then she only feels tingling. She has started to feel pain again tonight. It is so hard to watch her as her eyes fill up with tears. She just closes her eyes, and grimaces and you know, that she is feeling some pain. She tries so hard to not let it bother her, but it is just too much. Mom increased Jenna's morphine again tonight. It has been a while since she has had to do that. It is hard on Jenna.

Tonight, she asked mom how long Grandpa Hale was in a wheel chair before he passed away. I think Jenna was trying to get some sort of idea or an estimate on how much time she had left. Mom gently explained to her that Grandpa's cancer was so very different from hers, and comparing their illnesses would be in vane. Jenna, had tears in her eyes when mom finished. She just wants to have a little understanding of how much longer she will have to suffer. My heart ached for her. She has endured for so long and asking her to keep going seems like torture. But I know, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a time table for her. He is just not randomly keeping her here to suffer. There are things that need to be learned, not only by her, but by those around her. Her tasks are not completed, but He is aware of her, and her suffering, and He is reaching His merciful arms out to her daily. She feels His comforting embrace, and she is strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and the prayers, faith and love of those who are learning from her.

Jenna, your patience marvels me!!! What a blessing it is to be your big sister. I know that this life hasn't been easy for you, and I know without a doubt that it sure doesn't seam fair, but I learned this today in Sunday School...

Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Life is Fair.

Our experiences on Earth are so different, but when we all do what we can, the Savior makes up the rest, and that is what makes life fair. He offers His Sacrifice to everyone, not just a chosen few. His arms of mercy are extended to you, and to me, and I will feel blessed to be able to see you wrapped in His Arms when this earthly experience is completed.

I Love You!!!!

Getting to Jenna!!!

I left Casa Grande at 2:45 pm. I arrived in Horseshoe Bend at 4:15 am. What an incredible journey. I had plenty of time to spare in the Phoenix airport, I spent that time talking on the phone and reading my book. I really enjoyed my flight to SLC. When we landed in SLC I was a little nervous because I had only 25 minutes to catch the connecting flight to Boise. Myself, and a few of the other passengers around me, who were also headed to Boise, headed straight for the departure screens in the terminal. The 577 flight to Boise wasn't even posted. We all headed over to Customer Service where we were told that the 577 flight was still in Tulsa, Oklahoma. WHAT??? Yep, and it still had to stop in Denver, Colorado. They actually changed the airplane in Oklahoma after spending 4 hours trying to fix it. Then the got to Denver, and they had to de-ice the plane. Then, Southwest finally decided to just trade the planes out for a warm fresh plane that had just landed. No de-icing necessary. Then they were off. Flight 577 finally landed in SLC at 12:20 am. Slightly later than the scheduled 8:10 pm arrival. Anyway, I was all out of reading energy by the time we got on the plane headed for Boise, so I stretched out across a whole bench and fell asleep until the plane landed. Below are some pictures of my time in SLC.

A riding Vacuum... who'da Thunk? I was laughing because I WANT ONE!!!! Not that I have a ton of carpet to vacuum, I really don't, I just thought that it would be cool. I am almost certain that the man I was taking a picture of was slightly concerned about the CRAZY woman taking a picture. I was smiling as I walked away from him, hoping he wasn't concerned about INS.
The poor people waiting for flight 577. There were many more wandering the hospital, walking back and forth to different areas looking for food, and coffee.

Once we landed in Boise, I shook the cobwebs from my brain, and called Joie and dad who were patiently waiting for me. I lugged my suitcase off the baggage claim turntable, and headed out into the cold of the night. It is freakin' cold in Idaho. My blood isn't thick enough to handle the 30 degree nights here.

We headed to the Horseshoe Bend Homestead. We walked into the house, Dad pulling my green suitcase behind him. We stopped in the Guest Room, now Jenna's room. Complete with hospital bed and her fabulous t.v. Mom and Dad and one of their neighbors rearranged the house to accommodate the new living arrangement. Jenna was sleeping, but her t.v. was on, so Dad walked into her room, took off her glasses, took the remote, and kissed her head as he turned off the t.v. She opened her eyes, and said, Hi daddy. He said, "Night Jen." I said, "Hi sis." and her eyes opened a little bit more. She smile, and said, "Hi, Gikkers." I told her that I planned on spending alot of time sitting in that comfy reclining chair in her room. and Joie, well, Joie could just sit on the floor. Jenna laughed and said, "no, she can have the commode." We were laughing way to hard for 4:30 in the morning.

I have spent the morning with Jenna. She is currently in the comfy recliner and I in her hospital bed. She is taking a little nap. She looks good, and seams to be in good spirits. She can't walk. He legs give up on her, so Dad has to pick her up and move her from one place to another. They do a little dance to get Jenna's feet to shuffle where they need to be. Jenna is still eating, and she even gets Dad to put her in the wheel chair and roll her up to the table so we could have lunch together. Jenna has a wicked sense of humor. She always has fun things to say. Joie, mom and I were talking, and mom fell behind the conversation. When we caught mom up to speed, she said, "sorry, I have a little lag in my brain." I said, "you, I am the one who changed time-zones." and Jenna said, "Yep, she has Jenna Lag." I guess mom has gotten use to Jenna's morphine induced speed of SLOW!!! Us girls are having a lot of fun. I am so grateful I am able to be here and spend some time with my little sister.

I will keep posting, and keep everyone up to date on Jenna's condition.

The Last Couple of Days: Short Report

For some unknown reason yesterday was one of those thought provoking, philosophical days where all I want to do is talk and cry. I was a social butterfly on the phone today. Calling one person after another. I struggle through days like this because my thoughts bring me down and I find myself on a dark pinnacle and any movement could knock me off to the deep abyss below. On all sides I feel fatigued and defeated to the very last ounce of energy in my soul on all sides, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. And it is so unfair because on days like this all I want to do is cry with soul retching sobs and huge elephant tears that fall almost uncontrollably. I say this is unfair because when I cry, I hurt. The tumors that are ravaging my body to pieces are in places that all the energy that comes because of the sobs is transferred to shaking my body, mostly my lower back. It is an unfair cycle that never ends.

On these days, I can readily find the fatigue that has piled up over these last four years. I find that everyone has moved on in some way or other and find that I just seem to be moving ever more moving backward. For example, I am totally dependant at an age where I should be experiencing the wonders and tragedies that come from independence. It is frustrating, depressing at times.

This was yesterday. Satan had almost had me cornered, questioning what I had once had no doubt about. I couldn't believe how far I had fallen. My frustrations turned into a battle with Satan for my soul and I knew I couldn't just give up. My mom thankfully started asking me questions. At each question I heard two voices inside my head.

I could hear the devil laughing, cheering, yelling at me. Yelling, "YES!! WHAT YOU HAVE BELIEVED IN FOR SO LONG IS NO MORE! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN WITH NO ONE TO AID! SAY IT! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE!!!!"

Somewhere in the background is where I found the small quiet voice of my testimony and of the Holy Ghost. Both whispering those truths that had been strong through out my whole lifetime. It was these small voices that I devastating clawed after in the corners of my mind. It was very interesting, I find now and not at the time, that the Holy Ghost never left me. The Holy Ghost used its small calming voice that I so needed at the time.

In the midst of all this chaos in my head, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. It wasn't until after this blessing that I was able to calm myself and then, combined with the inspired questions my mom softly asked me, I began to hear the soft, gentle words. Words of my own testimony. It was as if the Holy Ghost was bearing my own testimony to me. Looking back it was truly a blessed and sacred moment that I feel compelled to share with all of you.

Sorry for the deafening silence over these last couple of months, but I don't even remember almost a month and a half anyway. So you are caught up with me now. lol Today I feel better. Still stiff. And my body feels medicated, which it totally is. We bombarded it with a huge arsenal of drugs to help with pain and to settle my body and mind. That is how things are now. I am on the homestretch of the pain cycle I have. I have had a night of horrid pain, physical, emotional, and mental. Now I am coming up to the top of the circle to hopefully have a few days of rest.

Pray please, everyone. I know that the power of prayer works and that a miracle occurred last night. I was given help to defeat my biggest challenger. This battle was won. But the war is not over yet.

Pictures from our February Trip

Visit to Idaho...

Jerm, the kids and I just returned home from a visit to the grand ol' Horseshoe Bend. We had a great time. It was really nice to see home, my parents, and of course...Jenna Lee. Joie Kaye came home for the long weekend. Jordan and his sweet fiancee, Krista, surprised us as well. After begging them both, I guess they caved, but didn't share that tidbit of information with us. We were so excited to see everyone. Jerm finally got to meet the newby in the family. WE ALL LOVE KRISTA!!!!

Mom is holding up well. I don't know if she has ever been so grateful for her nursing background. She totally understands Jenna, and is ever so patient with her. I found myself watching mom frequently, thinking, "you are doing this with such grace, and patience. You are an amazing mom." I don't know if I could do everything that my mom is doing and still have a smile on my face. But she does, and my kids had so much fun running up to her and giving her kisses. Dani would go looking for Grandma first thing every morning. Grandma always had a hug and a smile for the kids. It was good to see my mom, hug her, and learn from her faith.

Dad is a poster board for the perfect everything. He is cooking, and taking care of everything. He woke up and asked the kids what they wanted for breakfast. My kids said blueberry pancakes. So what did Grandpa do? Went out to the freezers (cause there is four) and dug around til he found a bag of frozen blueberries. Guess who was the new hero? J.J. had blueberry pancakes almost every morning, all because of a sweet grandpa who wanted his grandkids to be happy. Dad is great!!! There is no other way to describe Dad, other than, he is great!!! I have found such strength from watching my parents. They have taught me so much, and I feel so blessed to have learned from their examples.

Now, for Jenna...She spends alot of time sleeping and trying to get comfortable. There were times that just getting to the point where she could sit down in her Lazy-boy recliner was too painful, and getting into her bed was excruciating. Watching the whole process and knowing what is eventually going to happen became more real to me this last week. We had some quality moments with Jenna. She spends a lot of her time confused, and hallucinaing. My mom and her play the balancing game with her pain meds to keep her comfortable but lucid. It is beyond difficult. Jenna is full of faith, and doing her best to perservere. She has been a hero to us all. Jerm shared an experience with me...while they were talking, Jenna kinda disengages from the conversation, she either closes her eyes or they get vacant, anyway, she closed her eyes, and Jerm waited patiently for her to come back. When she did, she said, "that was weird. I was taking orders at some diner, and someone across the street needed help. So I changed into my superhero clothes and went and saved everyone across the street. Cool Huh?" Both Jerm and I found that "moment" to be "cool" too. Jenna is doing well for the time being. I promise to keep everyone updated, as best as I can. Please feel free to contact me if you want more details. We love you all, and we are so grateful for all your prayers on our behalf. We Love You!!!!

Is It Bad When All My Body Wants To Do Is Sleep?

Well. I think more than a few people would be fine with that problem, at least for a couple of days anyway. For the last three or four days sleeping is all my body wants to do and, frankly, I am getting sick of it. It is frustrating because everytime I blink it takes a while for my eyes to open and then to refocus. I was talking to my mom today and she said she has watched me while we have talked and has noticed my latest problem of keeping my eyes open. I think she finds it kinda funny. :( Which I guess it is if you are not me. :)

I am frustrated about it though because it takes forever for me to do anything because I am falling asleep all the time! At first I thought I was tired all the time because I was going to bed late and waking up later with just a little effect from the morphine. So last night, I went to bed earlier than I have been and got up way earlier than I have been to see if that would help. I do have to admit that I felt a little better throughout the day, but I still had the problem of falling asleep and things taking four times as long to complete.

When Dad called to say he was on his way home he asked what I had done today. I had very little to report. It was really sad and very dissapointing for me. I have a list of somethings to do and everytime I go to work on one of them, I fall asleep within a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how infuriating that can be. Especially when it happens time after time after time.

Through talking to my mom we have decided that it is purely morphine's fault that I am tired all the time. :( hmm. Why is it that the things that help us the most have to have to many bad and frustrating side effects to them? I wonder if that statement only pertains to things that are man made? hmm.

Other than my body wanting to sleep all the time I am doing very well. I don't hurt very much, thanks to the constant drip of morphine into my arm. So, I guess I am great. Lol. Until you consider the insane conflicting feelings of slight annoyance at the side effects of the morphine and grattitude for its numbing affects on my severe pain. Interesting, huh? Lol. :)

A New Chapter It Seems

Today I left the hospital with the feelings of it being my last visit to Primary Children's Medical Center and the crushing weight of the reality of my too-soon-to-come death.

While at the hospital this week, I met with a hospice company that will be taking care of me and my family for the rest of my days here on Earth. I think that is what made the words "terminal cancer" hit closer to home. It had never bothered me much before, but now I have the overwhelming humanistic feeling that I am going to miss my family. I believe that I will see them again and even be around them until their time comes to move on. But I cannot feel the enveloping sadness that I won't be able to converse with them, tell them I love them, or complain about everyday maddening things.

I will pull through somehow, but for right now, as I left the hospital, I felt the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another one. The closing of the middle of my life and the opening of the beginning of the end. Like I said, I will pull through, just like we all do in times of strife. Yet for now, it is saddening for me.

Heading Home...

Hey Everyone~

Here is a little update...Jenna was released from the Hospital today. She is staying with Aunt Shawna in Centerville, until her flight leaves on Friday. Yeah, Jenna!!! We are so glad that you are going home, and it sounds like you will have a bunch of visitors up in Horseshoe Bend.

TAKING OVER!!!!

This is Nikki, I am doing my best to update people on Jenna's life, without taking over Jenna's blog. She has allowed me access to her blog to keep everyone updated, but I have also been given instructions as well. I know that when I call I am concerned I might interupt some precious moments of sleep, or something else, so I can imagine how others feel. I will do my best to keep everyone updated and informed on her condition and how she is feeling. Jenna has good news, she is no longer hearing music. We have no idea where this music came from, but she was definatly hearing it. It ranged from Sambas, and other Latin Music, to songs she actually recognized. But it is now gone!!!! Yeah for Jenna!!!!

Jenna spent some time talking with a few doctors that she didn't appreciate. She has a few pointers for the future doctors that are reading this blog. #1. Ask the question you want answered, but if I happen to expand on the answer, don't stick your hand in my face. #2 Don't leave after asking a question without giving me time to give you an answer.

Jenna has really appreciated people stopping by and visiting with her. She says she never has a dull moment in the evenings. Everyone is so wonderful!!! Jenna wants to appoligize, if you showed up on Thursday...she was slightly out of it due to being over-medicated on morphine. I told her that I wish that I was invited to that party!!!!

Jenna and Mom are hoping that they are able to be released from the hospital and return home to Horseshoe Bend on Tuesday. Everyone keep your fingers crossed and Jenna in your prayers.

Hopefully I finish this before I fall asleep. :)

I wanted to post a couple of things today. Why today more than the last . . . um. . .60? I really don't know. It was a good day today and I wasn't even on that many drugs. lol ;) Therefore since I wasn't on very many drugs I remember a lot more of today than yesterday or the past . . . well. . . week or two.



I'll try a quick update, but as you know I am long winded and nothing I type is really short. I was in Salt Lake this last weekend to see my docs. Sorry to all the people I wasn't able to see, but I hope you understand when I get done. If not, please forgive me for my shortcomings and seeming thoughtlessness, but do know that I do want to spend time with everyone and that means EVERYONE and that is A LOT of people. I don't have the energy nor the stamina anymore and I am afraid to overdo because when I do I pay. I still do things though, just not as many things so I try to spend time . . . I guess with those that I think will need the memories the most.



Anyway (see. . . no shortness here. lol), I was able to find some CHEAP tickets to SLC and so I booked three flights. One in December, January, and February. Since the last time I was down I decided to see my doc more often and plan things out. Makes me fee more. . . secure? . . . comfortable? . . . whatever. So the plan was to fly in on Thursday, hang out with family, cousins, and friends, then go see my doc on Monday and fly out Tuesday. Well, things didn't go according to plan, as everyone knows things never do!



I had gone to Boise State's last football game and had a TON of "once in a life time" experiences. I got to go, for one. I've been going to Boise State since 2003 and never been to a game so I really wanted to go. What I did not expect was that once I spoke it quite a few people wanted to grant it! The last one I went with some family friends that have quite a few connections within the team, their son having worked for the team and a daughter who is . . . well, very likable and would do well in just about anything. Anyway, I went to the game and LOVED it! The atmosphere was incredible! Almost better than a Jazz game now days. lol I got to go out onto the "Smurf Turf" and get pictures taken with one of the players! I was so much fun! I'm thankful to Grints for arranging that. It is definitely something I won't forget anytime soon. :)



After the game, however, I started to hurt, like a knew I would. Happens every time. I go do something fun. . . I get slammed down with pain usually for a day or two. I was fine while I was in the moment, but as soon as the adrenaline, or whatever, left my system I was hurtin' and nothing I had would sooth the pain for very long. Three hours at the max. It was ridiculous and, I'm sure, really hard for my Mommy and my Daddy to deal with. One night I woke up just sobbing. I had worn myself out so much that I didn't wake up when my body started to tell me I was hurting. BIG MISTAKE!!! When I start hurting like that it is almost impossible to recover without a reset to my system. That is, a big hit of narcotics to my body that resets my pain level. It starts out small, maybe a harmless little 2, on the pain scale. I can handle a 2. after all it is just a 2! I've had WORSE. I ignore the pain. Nothin' big. Just a two. Well, what was a 2 can exponentially turn in to a 8, 9, or 10 in a matter a days, hour, or minutes. The exponential growth varies sometimes do to activity and sometimes just escalates because it can!



Anyway, I called my doc up on Tuesday (or wrote an email, I don't remember because I was under so much medication for the pain) and told him how much I was hurting and how much pain meds I was taking. He said to come in as soon as I landed!



I called up Aunt Cheryl, feeling completely apologetic, but knowing that she was one of the few people I didn't feel completely horrible about corrupting their schedule and invading her home (which I still felt, just less of) and asked a) if I could stay at her house, b)if she could pick me up at the airport in a couple days, and, c) since I am now under the influence of narcotics 24/7, if she could take me to the hospital right after she picked me up and then two other times during the weekend. Without a second thought, she told me she could do it right then and there. I broke down into tears at the end of the phone call just in gratitude for Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl. They would stop the world for just about anybody if they could and still bend over backwards trying to do so knowing that they can't. It touches my heart so much I think because I wanted to be able to be doing that by now and not be at the RECEIVING end of it! Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl have been there so many times for me and my family it blows my mind and pushes me to the verge of tears. Only to the verge sadly, because it hurts my ribs so much to cry I am unintentionally training my body to become less emotional.

Well, my plane landed, Aunt Cheryl picked me up and up to Primary Children's we went. When I got there, the nurses took one look at me and said, as if i had just said it, "You are not feeling good today. Are you." Tears started coming and I knew I was in the right place for being taken care of (or to hook me up with "the good stuff" if you look at it from my facetious druggie point-of-view lol). Dr. Barnette came in and talked to be a bit, gave me some pills (because I had just, ironically, took my last ones that morning), and sent me to get a CT of my lower back and hips to check for bone integrity. Basically to see if any of my bones were in more danger than usual of breaking. He said the bones looked good, besides the tumors of course, and put me on a fentanyl patch. :)

Just for the . . . uh, non-junkies or medical field people. fentanyl is an awesome drug! It doesn't stay in the system for very long, but it is one of my favs. lol For me it is like a heal all drug. It get rid of whatever pain I'm in, makes everything seem Okie dokie, and puts me to sleep, a very enjoyable and elusive luxury to me. I don't feel many of those good effects while on the patch, but I get plenty of the bad ones, mainly nausea, drowsiness (tired when I don't want to be), and forgetfulness (which occasionally leads to feeling stupid or sad and frustrated). How the patch works is incredible. It is sticky like a sticker and I just stick it to my skin and the fentanyl absorbs through my skin and into my blood stream. For those that remember, I revolted from these same fentanyl patches around 6 months ago. Things are different now. My pain has increased so I am more willing to take more powerful drugs. Pain is one thing that I hate with a passion and one of the few things I fear. I fear pain that has run amok and nothing is working on it. My worst nightmares right there. One of them anyway.

So Dr. Barnette puts me on this patch and so my body has to get used to the new drug. lol. I head to the mall Thursday or Friday night with Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl in Uncle Fred's Suburban. We go to get onto the freeway, just past Farmington, and I am getting more nauseated the longer we drive. ;/ We had just past the Chevron, which is the last place I could see for probably five or ten miles with a public bathroom, and I finally spoke up. "Uncle Fred? Could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, Jen. Waddya nee-"

I was in too much of a hurry to be as polite as I normally am and interrupted, "Can you turn around to that Chevron . . . so I can throw up?"

He turned a fast "U"-ie and got me back to the Chevron ASAP where I ran to the bathroom and threw up part of the lovely dinner Aunt Cheryl made. :( lol But wait! There's more.

They bought me a sprite, hoping it would calm my stomach down, and we continued, at my assurance that I was fine, on the road to Layton. We got to the place where Uncle Fred needed to get refills for his planner. While he was in shopping, I start to get nauseated! Again! I go outside to see if the fresh air calms my tummy. No chance. I rushed to the clerk and asked, as fast as politeness goes, "Do you have a public restroom?" Lucky for me they did. I had to rush it though. I barely made it though. I even had to do a little clean up job after I was done.

This all seems rather ridiculous now. More so because there is more!

We got to the mall. Shopped for a few hours and then headed back home. On the way home, I started to get nauseated. . . again! This time we were in the middle of nowhere so I just asked Uncle Fred if he could pull over, which he promptly did and after which I promptly got out and puked my guts out more. Three times in three hours!! Totally ridiculous!

Thankfully, I can laugh about the whole fiasco now due to the few times I heard Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Fred tell it with heart-felt humor and sympathy.

Sadly I don't mind throwing up anymore. It has just become part of life these last almost four years. Time has gone by incredibly fast at a very slow pace. If that makes any sense at all.

Well, I am falling asleep and have fought the melatonin I took long enough. :) Good diarrhea of the keyboard though. lol And I didn't even get to some of the thoughts I wanted to post. Well. More material for coming days. Hopefully soon. :)

Love Always.

Jenna Lee

Crap! It is SOOOOO LATE!!! DON'T MAKE ME PAY FOR THIS, BODY. Please. I have much to look forward to this week and I would really like to feel good so I can keep up with the family. :/

An Insight

First I would like to say sorry for hiding. I promised I would be honest, but honesty, I feel, is sometimes hard to voice. This is an email I sent to a friend of mine after my last visit to PCMC, October 29. It is really how I feel. I have decided to give everyone another insight. It has been long overdue. So here you go. . .

"I am bummed that we didn't get to talk, but considering your schedule and my bad timing I wasn't sure you were going to be free. So I will give you an update so you at least are in the loop. I didn't learn anything that I already didn't know really. The tumors that we knew about are bigger which I knew because my pain has increased. I have a couple of new tumors in my lungs which I didn't know about but that is just how things go for me now days so it was expected.

"I have been having a hard time making the choice on whether to quit treatment or not. I came down here totally convinced that I was done. Overcooked, black, and all crispy. :) When I got to the clinic on Monday though I wasn't so sure. After being around people that I could talk openly and freely about how I feel and not worry about any backlash, a part of me considered to keep going with treatments. And the big kicker was that I knew what I wanted to do, but was too ashamed to voice my opinion. I felt like saying "I'm done with treatments" would crush other people's point of view. . . or hope. . . or whatever of/for me. I have. . . The Cancer has caused way to much pain and I don't want to inflict more, but I know that there is no way around that. I mean. . . sorry to be so blunt, but I am going to die and that is going to cause people in my family to be sad. But whether I chose to do chemo or not will not effect that outcome so preventing pain is not anything I have control over.

"I finally realized that I knew what I wanted to do. I had a choice between: 1- hanging on to the edge of a cliff . . . which is what I have been doing and for which I don't have the strength to do anymore and 2- just jumping off the dang cliff (because that is how it is going to end anyway) and enjoy a small flight on the way down. :) I am tired. I am worn down. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of the shameful burden of thinking "Well, maybe". . . not maybe. . . "I hope this is what finally does me in." I am so sick of it and I don't want to put up with it anymore.

"Every time I have been hurting excruciatingly I have just asked Heavenly Father, "When? How much longer must I endure this?" My answer was, "Not for much longer." I have taken comfort in that. :) I know that could be weird for me to tell you that, but I felt impressed to. Take it for what it is. Whatever it is. :) lol

"I knew if I left today without making a decision, my decision would be to not decide and therefore not take the brunt of chaos and flack that may, or may not come my way. It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to stop treatment. For now anyway. Dr. Barnette made it perfectly clear that does not have to be it. I could change my mind if I want to. Right now though, I can't believe the peace, happiness, and gratitude that filled me once I made the decision that I have wanted to make for almost three weeks now. I just never wanted to voice it.

So we came up with a plan for keeping in touch. I am going to be in at least once a month. I know as I get feeling worse I am going to want to be around more just for the moral support. . ."

Anyway. now you know what I know. :)

Jenna Lee

P.S. Am I all grown up now? lol"

Truely, after making this decision I have felt a peace and happiness I haven't felt in a while. Two weeks later I feel the same. Although on Sunday I started sobbing and I didn't even know why. I mean besides the obvious. I hadn't been thinking about things. Don't really know what I was thinking about now that I think about it. I had gotten done talking to my Stake President about how "what was up" and just left the group to go get a drink. I was alone and just started to sob. It wasn't very long because I knew I had to "suck it up". It wasn't the time or the place to break down. . . as if there is any time or place for that. . .


Anyway now everyone knows what I know, finally. See you next post. I'm not promising anything though. :) 'Til next time.

Jenna Lee

Check this out!

I was on facebook and one of my friends posted this clip from youtube. Lol. It gave me some long overdue laughs and smiles. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAp6KkMZUD8#movie_player

Oh, and there was kind of a mix up. I started working on the pictures from Butchart Gardens before I posted the one about the greatest picture overload. So if you have just been flipping to my blog and not scrolling down, then you have missed Butchart. It is pretty! Check it out as well.

Hope you enjoy it all. I'm waiting to post more pics because Erika is sending me hers and she has some good photos at the Vancouver Aquarium. As soon as I get them, I'll try to post quickly. :)

Have a good day!

Get Ready for the Best Picture Overload Ever!

As a family, we took over two thousand pictures! Crazy! That takes a ton of sifting through for the best, and there are a TON of "the best" pictures. That is why it has been taking so long to post. Plus add not feeling that great to the pile and it really has taken a while. I'll add the picture post I've been working for our day in Victoria hopefully tomorrow. :) Until then!

P.S. Erika has all the family photos from the trip. She's working on getting them for me. Until then I'm working with what I got. So lucky Jon and Britt get this time in the spotlight.

Vancouver Day Three!

A bit behind, but oh, well. Better late than never right? :)

Getting to Victoria!

The only way to get to Victoria from Vancouver is to take a ferry! That was a first for me and was pretty fun. We went through a bunch of islands and it was so pretty.


It was so cool to see the wake of this huge ship! Kinda fun to see where you have been.

Getting ready to dock! It took forever!

The Butchart Gardens!

Finally! We left the house around 8 o'clock in the morning to be sure to catch the ferry at 9:30. We finally got to the gardens around 11 o'clock. It was a lot of traveling time for just a day trip!

Pictures of People

Family picture at Butchart Gardens.

I really liked these flowers. They were pretty. I wish I had gotten a closer picture of them. Oh well.

I love this shot I took of Jon and Brit! They take some really romantic photos. :)

Roses with my Daddy. Roses for my Daddy! :)

Pictures of Flowers

I love taking pictures of flowers just after it rains! I love to see the drops on the flowers. For some reason there is peace for me in the beauty of it all.

The flowers in Butchart Gardens were huge, as you can see. These pink flowers were so beautiful and being as big as they were just added to it. Around every turn in the gardens there was something else that was breathtaking. It was wonderful!

I loved this flower just because of how odd and different it looks. I think Mom said it was a pinwheel flower which would be an adequate name for it. :) Isn't it beautiful?!

Even the simple and everyday flowers looked gorgeous!

This was in the Rose Garden. They all looked the same to me. :) This one caught my eye because of the water within its petals. Right after I took this picture I looked up to see Jerrod taking a similar picture. I got a kick out of that. :)

There was an area within the gardens with a bunch of baskets hanging from a twenty by twenty foot skeleton of a shed (or something similar). It was beautiful! I even had to duck down in some places to not hit my head! These were in one of those hanging baskets.

I didn't see these flowers, but Nikki or Joie did. It is a pretty flower and picture. It qualifies as a favorite because I love the spiral flare of its petals.

These are pretty too. I like how different the petals are arranged. It isn't the typical arrangement of a flower. I do wish Joie had got something to compare the size to because I don't remember how big they were.

This flower I remember! It was as big as my head! Everyone was stopping to take pictures of it though so I didn't stop. Lol. I borrowed this picture from Joie. Thanks Jo!

Views from Within the Gardens

This is a pond within the Sunken Gardens. The Sunken Gardens is a garden that Mrs. Butchart transformed from an old stone quarry! It is unbelievable to see the the before and after pictures of this place. It is amazing and inspiring! Things are really what they are made out to be by their creators.

This is the house built and lived in by the Butcharts. It is right on the grounds. The Butcharts, after cultivating and making the gardens what they are, they opened the grounds up to the public to share the beauty of the land and their gift of gardening with the rest of the world. I am so thankful that they did. It was peaceful, beautiful, wonderful, and amazing experience to walk through the acres and acres of flowers.

This is a view of the Sunken Gardens that had that pond in it. You can't see it in this picture, but there is a smokestack in the background on the right hand side. The smokestack was used when the Sunken Gardens was a quarry.

Dad kept asking me why I was taking pictures of under the bushes. :) Lol. I kept telling him that beauty is all realitive. I love this picture because of the peace that is in it. The branches and leaves of the bushes have protected the ground beneath from the rain, wind, and elements of the world around us. I have wished for that feeling of peace, protection, and wonderful comfort for these past four years. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it isn't. I am thankful when it is . . . and yearning for it when it's not.

From the outside looking in. From a dark corner looking forward into lighter, brighter, happier paths.

This is in the Japanese Garden portion of Butchart. This part of the garden was one of my favorites. It had water falls, peaceful ponds, and a unique beauty. It was a great place to go and contemplate, ponder, and relax. I could have stayed there for a while. That is until I drove myself nuts with my own thoughts. Lol.

I got a picture of this spot, but Joie got a better one. Mine was from the other side. From here the bridge sticks out more and you can see more of the Japanese Garden. So beautiful. :) Thanks Jo for letting me use the picture. :)

This garden is within a small greenhouse. It was so pretty I couldn't NOT take a picture. Lol. :)

The "Sign In" book. :) This time there is more family on it. :) I wish I had caught out comments so that we could remember what we wrote. Oh well. :)

After Butchart, we found a place to go to the beach. I really wanted to go because I thought it would be a sin to be so close to the ocean and not go to a beach. :) Lol. It wasn't very big and there weren't any good seashells so I'll have to plan another trip. DANG! Lol. I would like to go to the Oregon coast sometime. I hear it is pretty there too. Sigh. Maybe next year. :)

After the beach, we wandered around downtown. This is the capital building of British Columbia. We were taking pictures of it and the lights came on! It was gorgeous and way unexpected. There was a guy there taking pictures and he must have been a professional. He had a good camera and his pictures were coming out really beautiful! I was impressed. I watched him and gave him praise for quite a while. I'm sure he thought I was totally weird. ;) lol.

This is a picture from the pier just in front of the capital building. It was amazing to see the calm waters and the lights reflecting off of the water. Really pretty. :) This was on the way to the car. We had to go because the last ferry was leaving in a couple hours (at 9:00pm) and Jerrod and Dad were afraid we were going to miss it. That would have been bad. Lol. All of our clothes and everything were back at the house in Lions Bay! Northwest of Vancouver. :0 Lol.

We were so tired and worn out on the way back home. We left Victoria around 7:30 to be sure to make the ferry at 9:00. The ferry ride was an hour and a half long and then we had to drive for another hour and a half to get to the house. Everyone was dead tired. Joie and Jordan even fell asleep on the floor! We got back to the house around midnight. I was so tired that I even went to bed without blogging. That is why this is so late! But it was a great, wonderful, busy, beautiful day!