Pictures from our February Trip

Visit to Idaho...

Jerm, the kids and I just returned home from a visit to the grand ol' Horseshoe Bend. We had a great time. It was really nice to see home, my parents, and of course...Jenna Lee. Joie Kaye came home for the long weekend. Jordan and his sweet fiancee, Krista, surprised us as well. After begging them both, I guess they caved, but didn't share that tidbit of information with us. We were so excited to see everyone. Jerm finally got to meet the newby in the family. WE ALL LOVE KRISTA!!!!

Mom is holding up well. I don't know if she has ever been so grateful for her nursing background. She totally understands Jenna, and is ever so patient with her. I found myself watching mom frequently, thinking, "you are doing this with such grace, and patience. You are an amazing mom." I don't know if I could do everything that my mom is doing and still have a smile on my face. But she does, and my kids had so much fun running up to her and giving her kisses. Dani would go looking for Grandma first thing every morning. Grandma always had a hug and a smile for the kids. It was good to see my mom, hug her, and learn from her faith.

Dad is a poster board for the perfect everything. He is cooking, and taking care of everything. He woke up and asked the kids what they wanted for breakfast. My kids said blueberry pancakes. So what did Grandpa do? Went out to the freezers (cause there is four) and dug around til he found a bag of frozen blueberries. Guess who was the new hero? J.J. had blueberry pancakes almost every morning, all because of a sweet grandpa who wanted his grandkids to be happy. Dad is great!!! There is no other way to describe Dad, other than, he is great!!! I have found such strength from watching my parents. They have taught me so much, and I feel so blessed to have learned from their examples.

Now, for Jenna...She spends alot of time sleeping and trying to get comfortable. There were times that just getting to the point where she could sit down in her Lazy-boy recliner was too painful, and getting into her bed was excruciating. Watching the whole process and knowing what is eventually going to happen became more real to me this last week. We had some quality moments with Jenna. She spends a lot of her time confused, and hallucinaing. My mom and her play the balancing game with her pain meds to keep her comfortable but lucid. It is beyond difficult. Jenna is full of faith, and doing her best to perservere. She has been a hero to us all. Jerm shared an experience with me...while they were talking, Jenna kinda disengages from the conversation, she either closes her eyes or they get vacant, anyway, she closed her eyes, and Jerm waited patiently for her to come back. When she did, she said, "that was weird. I was taking orders at some diner, and someone across the street needed help. So I changed into my superhero clothes and went and saved everyone across the street. Cool Huh?" Both Jerm and I found that "moment" to be "cool" too. Jenna is doing well for the time being. I promise to keep everyone updated, as best as I can. Please feel free to contact me if you want more details. We love you all, and we are so grateful for all your prayers on our behalf. We Love You!!!!

Is It Bad When All My Body Wants To Do Is Sleep?

Well. I think more than a few people would be fine with that problem, at least for a couple of days anyway. For the last three or four days sleeping is all my body wants to do and, frankly, I am getting sick of it. It is frustrating because everytime I blink it takes a while for my eyes to open and then to refocus. I was talking to my mom today and she said she has watched me while we have talked and has noticed my latest problem of keeping my eyes open. I think she finds it kinda funny. :( Which I guess it is if you are not me. :)

I am frustrated about it though because it takes forever for me to do anything because I am falling asleep all the time! At first I thought I was tired all the time because I was going to bed late and waking up later with just a little effect from the morphine. So last night, I went to bed earlier than I have been and got up way earlier than I have been to see if that would help. I do have to admit that I felt a little better throughout the day, but I still had the problem of falling asleep and things taking four times as long to complete.

When Dad called to say he was on his way home he asked what I had done today. I had very little to report. It was really sad and very dissapointing for me. I have a list of somethings to do and everytime I go to work on one of them, I fall asleep within a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how infuriating that can be. Especially when it happens time after time after time.

Through talking to my mom we have decided that it is purely morphine's fault that I am tired all the time. :( hmm. Why is it that the things that help us the most have to have to many bad and frustrating side effects to them? I wonder if that statement only pertains to things that are man made? hmm.

Other than my body wanting to sleep all the time I am doing very well. I don't hurt very much, thanks to the constant drip of morphine into my arm. So, I guess I am great. Lol. Until you consider the insane conflicting feelings of slight annoyance at the side effects of the morphine and grattitude for its numbing affects on my severe pain. Interesting, huh? Lol. :)

A New Chapter It Seems

Today I left the hospital with the feelings of it being my last visit to Primary Children's Medical Center and the crushing weight of the reality of my too-soon-to-come death.

While at the hospital this week, I met with a hospice company that will be taking care of me and my family for the rest of my days here on Earth. I think that is what made the words "terminal cancer" hit closer to home. It had never bothered me much before, but now I have the overwhelming humanistic feeling that I am going to miss my family. I believe that I will see them again and even be around them until their time comes to move on. But I cannot feel the enveloping sadness that I won't be able to converse with them, tell them I love them, or complain about everyday maddening things.

I will pull through somehow, but for right now, as I left the hospital, I felt the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another one. The closing of the middle of my life and the opening of the beginning of the end. Like I said, I will pull through, just like we all do in times of strife. Yet for now, it is saddening for me.

Heading Home...

Hey Everyone~

Here is a little update...Jenna was released from the Hospital today. She is staying with Aunt Shawna in Centerville, until her flight leaves on Friday. Yeah, Jenna!!! We are so glad that you are going home, and it sounds like you will have a bunch of visitors up in Horseshoe Bend.

TAKING OVER!!!!

This is Nikki, I am doing my best to update people on Jenna's life, without taking over Jenna's blog. She has allowed me access to her blog to keep everyone updated, but I have also been given instructions as well. I know that when I call I am concerned I might interupt some precious moments of sleep, or something else, so I can imagine how others feel. I will do my best to keep everyone updated and informed on her condition and how she is feeling. Jenna has good news, she is no longer hearing music. We have no idea where this music came from, but she was definatly hearing it. It ranged from Sambas, and other Latin Music, to songs she actually recognized. But it is now gone!!!! Yeah for Jenna!!!!

Jenna spent some time talking with a few doctors that she didn't appreciate. She has a few pointers for the future doctors that are reading this blog. #1. Ask the question you want answered, but if I happen to expand on the answer, don't stick your hand in my face. #2 Don't leave after asking a question without giving me time to give you an answer.

Jenna has really appreciated people stopping by and visiting with her. She says she never has a dull moment in the evenings. Everyone is so wonderful!!! Jenna wants to appoligize, if you showed up on Thursday...she was slightly out of it due to being over-medicated on morphine. I told her that I wish that I was invited to that party!!!!

Jenna and Mom are hoping that they are able to be released from the hospital and return home to Horseshoe Bend on Tuesday. Everyone keep your fingers crossed and Jenna in your prayers.

Hopefully I finish this before I fall asleep. :)

I wanted to post a couple of things today. Why today more than the last . . . um. . .60? I really don't know. It was a good day today and I wasn't even on that many drugs. lol ;) Therefore since I wasn't on very many drugs I remember a lot more of today than yesterday or the past . . . well. . . week or two.



I'll try a quick update, but as you know I am long winded and nothing I type is really short. I was in Salt Lake this last weekend to see my docs. Sorry to all the people I wasn't able to see, but I hope you understand when I get done. If not, please forgive me for my shortcomings and seeming thoughtlessness, but do know that I do want to spend time with everyone and that means EVERYONE and that is A LOT of people. I don't have the energy nor the stamina anymore and I am afraid to overdo because when I do I pay. I still do things though, just not as many things so I try to spend time . . . I guess with those that I think will need the memories the most.



Anyway (see. . . no shortness here. lol), I was able to find some CHEAP tickets to SLC and so I booked three flights. One in December, January, and February. Since the last time I was down I decided to see my doc more often and plan things out. Makes me fee more. . . secure? . . . comfortable? . . . whatever. So the plan was to fly in on Thursday, hang out with family, cousins, and friends, then go see my doc on Monday and fly out Tuesday. Well, things didn't go according to plan, as everyone knows things never do!



I had gone to Boise State's last football game and had a TON of "once in a life time" experiences. I got to go, for one. I've been going to Boise State since 2003 and never been to a game so I really wanted to go. What I did not expect was that once I spoke it quite a few people wanted to grant it! The last one I went with some family friends that have quite a few connections within the team, their son having worked for the team and a daughter who is . . . well, very likable and would do well in just about anything. Anyway, I went to the game and LOVED it! The atmosphere was incredible! Almost better than a Jazz game now days. lol I got to go out onto the "Smurf Turf" and get pictures taken with one of the players! I was so much fun! I'm thankful to Grints for arranging that. It is definitely something I won't forget anytime soon. :)



After the game, however, I started to hurt, like a knew I would. Happens every time. I go do something fun. . . I get slammed down with pain usually for a day or two. I was fine while I was in the moment, but as soon as the adrenaline, or whatever, left my system I was hurtin' and nothing I had would sooth the pain for very long. Three hours at the max. It was ridiculous and, I'm sure, really hard for my Mommy and my Daddy to deal with. One night I woke up just sobbing. I had worn myself out so much that I didn't wake up when my body started to tell me I was hurting. BIG MISTAKE!!! When I start hurting like that it is almost impossible to recover without a reset to my system. That is, a big hit of narcotics to my body that resets my pain level. It starts out small, maybe a harmless little 2, on the pain scale. I can handle a 2. after all it is just a 2! I've had WORSE. I ignore the pain. Nothin' big. Just a two. Well, what was a 2 can exponentially turn in to a 8, 9, or 10 in a matter a days, hour, or minutes. The exponential growth varies sometimes do to activity and sometimes just escalates because it can!



Anyway, I called my doc up on Tuesday (or wrote an email, I don't remember because I was under so much medication for the pain) and told him how much I was hurting and how much pain meds I was taking. He said to come in as soon as I landed!



I called up Aunt Cheryl, feeling completely apologetic, but knowing that she was one of the few people I didn't feel completely horrible about corrupting their schedule and invading her home (which I still felt, just less of) and asked a) if I could stay at her house, b)if she could pick me up at the airport in a couple days, and, c) since I am now under the influence of narcotics 24/7, if she could take me to the hospital right after she picked me up and then two other times during the weekend. Without a second thought, she told me she could do it right then and there. I broke down into tears at the end of the phone call just in gratitude for Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl. They would stop the world for just about anybody if they could and still bend over backwards trying to do so knowing that they can't. It touches my heart so much I think because I wanted to be able to be doing that by now and not be at the RECEIVING end of it! Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl have been there so many times for me and my family it blows my mind and pushes me to the verge of tears. Only to the verge sadly, because it hurts my ribs so much to cry I am unintentionally training my body to become less emotional.

Well, my plane landed, Aunt Cheryl picked me up and up to Primary Children's we went. When I got there, the nurses took one look at me and said, as if i had just said it, "You are not feeling good today. Are you." Tears started coming and I knew I was in the right place for being taken care of (or to hook me up with "the good stuff" if you look at it from my facetious druggie point-of-view lol). Dr. Barnette came in and talked to be a bit, gave me some pills (because I had just, ironically, took my last ones that morning), and sent me to get a CT of my lower back and hips to check for bone integrity. Basically to see if any of my bones were in more danger than usual of breaking. He said the bones looked good, besides the tumors of course, and put me on a fentanyl patch. :)

Just for the . . . uh, non-junkies or medical field people. fentanyl is an awesome drug! It doesn't stay in the system for very long, but it is one of my favs. lol For me it is like a heal all drug. It get rid of whatever pain I'm in, makes everything seem Okie dokie, and puts me to sleep, a very enjoyable and elusive luxury to me. I don't feel many of those good effects while on the patch, but I get plenty of the bad ones, mainly nausea, drowsiness (tired when I don't want to be), and forgetfulness (which occasionally leads to feeling stupid or sad and frustrated). How the patch works is incredible. It is sticky like a sticker and I just stick it to my skin and the fentanyl absorbs through my skin and into my blood stream. For those that remember, I revolted from these same fentanyl patches around 6 months ago. Things are different now. My pain has increased so I am more willing to take more powerful drugs. Pain is one thing that I hate with a passion and one of the few things I fear. I fear pain that has run amok and nothing is working on it. My worst nightmares right there. One of them anyway.

So Dr. Barnette puts me on this patch and so my body has to get used to the new drug. lol. I head to the mall Thursday or Friday night with Uncle Fred and Aunt Cheryl in Uncle Fred's Suburban. We go to get onto the freeway, just past Farmington, and I am getting more nauseated the longer we drive. ;/ We had just past the Chevron, which is the last place I could see for probably five or ten miles with a public bathroom, and I finally spoke up. "Uncle Fred? Could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, Jen. Waddya nee-"

I was in too much of a hurry to be as polite as I normally am and interrupted, "Can you turn around to that Chevron . . . so I can throw up?"

He turned a fast "U"-ie and got me back to the Chevron ASAP where I ran to the bathroom and threw up part of the lovely dinner Aunt Cheryl made. :( lol But wait! There's more.

They bought me a sprite, hoping it would calm my stomach down, and we continued, at my assurance that I was fine, on the road to Layton. We got to the place where Uncle Fred needed to get refills for his planner. While he was in shopping, I start to get nauseated! Again! I go outside to see if the fresh air calms my tummy. No chance. I rushed to the clerk and asked, as fast as politeness goes, "Do you have a public restroom?" Lucky for me they did. I had to rush it though. I barely made it though. I even had to do a little clean up job after I was done.

This all seems rather ridiculous now. More so because there is more!

We got to the mall. Shopped for a few hours and then headed back home. On the way home, I started to get nauseated. . . again! This time we were in the middle of nowhere so I just asked Uncle Fred if he could pull over, which he promptly did and after which I promptly got out and puked my guts out more. Three times in three hours!! Totally ridiculous!

Thankfully, I can laugh about the whole fiasco now due to the few times I heard Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Fred tell it with heart-felt humor and sympathy.

Sadly I don't mind throwing up anymore. It has just become part of life these last almost four years. Time has gone by incredibly fast at a very slow pace. If that makes any sense at all.

Well, I am falling asleep and have fought the melatonin I took long enough. :) Good diarrhea of the keyboard though. lol And I didn't even get to some of the thoughts I wanted to post. Well. More material for coming days. Hopefully soon. :)

Love Always.

Jenna Lee

Crap! It is SOOOOO LATE!!! DON'T MAKE ME PAY FOR THIS, BODY. Please. I have much to look forward to this week and I would really like to feel good so I can keep up with the family. :/