An Insight

First I would like to say sorry for hiding. I promised I would be honest, but honesty, I feel, is sometimes hard to voice. This is an email I sent to a friend of mine after my last visit to PCMC, October 29. It is really how I feel. I have decided to give everyone another insight. It has been long overdue. So here you go. . .

"I am bummed that we didn't get to talk, but considering your schedule and my bad timing I wasn't sure you were going to be free. So I will give you an update so you at least are in the loop. I didn't learn anything that I already didn't know really. The tumors that we knew about are bigger which I knew because my pain has increased. I have a couple of new tumors in my lungs which I didn't know about but that is just how things go for me now days so it was expected.

"I have been having a hard time making the choice on whether to quit treatment or not. I came down here totally convinced that I was done. Overcooked, black, and all crispy. :) When I got to the clinic on Monday though I wasn't so sure. After being around people that I could talk openly and freely about how I feel and not worry about any backlash, a part of me considered to keep going with treatments. And the big kicker was that I knew what I wanted to do, but was too ashamed to voice my opinion. I felt like saying "I'm done with treatments" would crush other people's point of view. . . or hope. . . or whatever of/for me. I have. . . The Cancer has caused way to much pain and I don't want to inflict more, but I know that there is no way around that. I mean. . . sorry to be so blunt, but I am going to die and that is going to cause people in my family to be sad. But whether I chose to do chemo or not will not effect that outcome so preventing pain is not anything I have control over.

"I finally realized that I knew what I wanted to do. I had a choice between: 1- hanging on to the edge of a cliff . . . which is what I have been doing and for which I don't have the strength to do anymore and 2- just jumping off the dang cliff (because that is how it is going to end anyway) and enjoy a small flight on the way down. :) I am tired. I am worn down. I am sick of being sick. I am sick of the shameful burden of thinking "Well, maybe". . . not maybe. . . "I hope this is what finally does me in." I am so sick of it and I don't want to put up with it anymore.

"Every time I have been hurting excruciatingly I have just asked Heavenly Father, "When? How much longer must I endure this?" My answer was, "Not for much longer." I have taken comfort in that. :) I know that could be weird for me to tell you that, but I felt impressed to. Take it for what it is. Whatever it is. :) lol

"I knew if I left today without making a decision, my decision would be to not decide and therefore not take the brunt of chaos and flack that may, or may not come my way. It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to stop treatment. For now anyway. Dr. Barnette made it perfectly clear that does not have to be it. I could change my mind if I want to. Right now though, I can't believe the peace, happiness, and gratitude that filled me once I made the decision that I have wanted to make for almost three weeks now. I just never wanted to voice it.

So we came up with a plan for keeping in touch. I am going to be in at least once a month. I know as I get feeling worse I am going to want to be around more just for the moral support. . ."

Anyway. now you know what I know. :)

Jenna Lee

P.S. Am I all grown up now? lol"

Truely, after making this decision I have felt a peace and happiness I haven't felt in a while. Two weeks later I feel the same. Although on Sunday I started sobbing and I didn't even know why. I mean besides the obvious. I hadn't been thinking about things. Don't really know what I was thinking about now that I think about it. I had gotten done talking to my Stake President about how "what was up" and just left the group to go get a drink. I was alone and just started to sob. It wasn't very long because I knew I had to "suck it up". It wasn't the time or the place to break down. . . as if there is any time or place for that. . .


Anyway now everyone knows what I know, finally. See you next post. I'm not promising anything though. :) 'Til next time.

Jenna Lee