Nothing New to Report

Nothing new, but I figured I should write anyway. This is supposed to be insightful, but it can't be if I edit what I write and only write when I feel good or there is something to write about. I am just going to throw out what ever is going through my head at the moment so this might get a little crazy and I am probably going to regret saying something, but oh well, insight is what I'm going for right?

So right now I am listening to a song by Yanni, trying to take my mind off of my lower back hurting. It has hurt almost all day today, but it got worse around ten o'clock or so. I took five mg of oxycodone which dulled the pain, but it isn't gone. I am tempted to go take some more, but I would rather avoid pills like i would the plague. I am starting to like the affects of the medicine too much. I am still playing things smart and only taking them when i really need to though. I don't want anyone freaking out on me ok?

I got blood, red blood cells, yesterday, so I have been looking forward to the perkiness that I usually get afterward. Unfortunately, when I address one problem, my body comes up with another. It has been hurting ever since yesterday morning so I have needed to drug myself with oxycodone. Therefore I am not feeling the perk because i am drugged or hurting. What I really want to do is get out of the house and do something. I don't have any money to do something so that limits my options quite a bit. I am saving up money so I can pay some bills and still have money to go and have fun in Vancouver. I have done what I have gotten angry at others over. I was just as dumb and haven't been saving up for activities to do in Vancouver. I just didn't expect some of the bills that I have, but. . . lol. . .isn't that how it goes for everyone? You go along thinking everything is fine and then . . .wait a minute. . .it isn't! Something you either didn't expect or just didn't take care of sneaks up and it feels like it has you trapped in a corner with no where to go. Hmm. Sound a lot like my last three and a half years.

Three and a half years. I can't believe I have been doing nothing for three and a half years. Well, all the cancer crap I've been doing, sure, but. . .that has not been very progressive. . . not progressive. . .but. . .I can't think of the word. I haven't done anything to help myself be more sustaining or anything. My body has limited what i can do. I hate it. I have found myself identifying me as two entities, if you wish. There is me, Jenna. And then there is my Body. I don't trust my body any further than I can throw it. Which I can barely lift a 20 lb chair, so I'm thinking I won't be able to budge my 149 lb body. I am just so frustrated with my body right now. I'm getting sick an tired of being held back and being afraid to do something because after i do anything active I know my body will be screaming at me for the next couple of days to a week. Things are getting a little lonely. Loneliness and frustration are not a good combination. I have caught myself wishing that the ball would get rolling downhill already. I'm getting very sick and tired of it all. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't have the resources to do anything. so i am stuck at home. Twiddling my thumbs trying to come up with something to do.

Honestly, I think things only seem bad right now, because I had a fun night last night so I went from a high and feeling somewhat like an average girl in her twenties, to my ever present happiness-sucking cancer life; still stuck doing the same things over and over and over again and I'm sick of the same things. Today for example, I woke up, read Twilight for a while before my body started to ache more than i could put up with. so i got up, took some Tylenol, ate some chex, slowly. I had to take a book i had sold on amazon.com to the post office so I got ready in five minutes (even though I don't have that much to do I feel even more bummish if I waste my time more that i already am) and went. I was sick and tired of being in the house and thought that if I moved around more I wouldn't hurt so much. So when I got back, I walked around the house three or four times with Jasper. It was fun, slow, and time consuming, which I liked. Unfortunately, after two laps my hip started to hurt. I made one or two more laps just because I could and I really wanted to do something other than play World of Warcraft or dink around on the computer for another 17 or whatever hours. Jasper had left his ball in the garage so I went to get it and ended up throwing the little tennis ball against the closed garage for twenty or thirty minutes until I was really tired and hurting more. What can I say, I was desperate for something different. When I came inside, I was looking around my room for something to do and my caught a project that I had stopped long ago. Aunt Debbie, when i lived in Utah and going through cancer crap, came and dropped off materials for making "jiggle boxes" as she called them. She made them to put into boxes being shipped out to places by the church. They work as rattles for babies and then as the kid grows up it can help them learn their colors. Anyway, I still have all those materials and today I figured, well that it was something different. I put in a movie, sat in my recliner and worked on putting together some boxes. All in all, it was a very boring day.

My dad wonders why I like to sleep late in the day. It is so that I don't have to come up with stupid things to do to keep me preoccupied while I wait for the inevitable. It all makes me so frustrated. I wish I could spend my time doing something worthwhile. Not just wasting away wishing the end would come quicker. I feel like it is such a waste! Not only that, but by just sitting here wishing for the end, I am letting not only myself down, but Heavenly Father too. I feel like such a disappointment. I could have been great. I could have done so much in this life if I hadn't gotten sick. Now I feel like I could still be great and should, but I am so tired, so afraid, and so alone that I don't know what to do with myself except for . . . well, let people down. That is really what I do best.

k. I am going to stop my mind wandering there. It isn't healthy to just let my mind rampage as you just saw. So. . . top problems I have besides my happiness-sucking cancer, I would say, are boredom, loneliness, and boredom. I have other worries, but . . .well. . . who doesn't. :) Good night.

A Totally Fun Day

Today was awesome! It was so much fun! A few of the ladies in the branch took me, Mom, and Joie to get pedicures! My first one! I have been looking forward to it for a week and I loved it! I was so nice. I loved the massage, the girly talk, being with the girls, the laughs, and the "It's All Greek to Me" toenail polish! The girl who took care of my feet was Lori. She was very conversational and it was fun. I think I am addicted. :) lol I already want to go back.

After the pedicure, I came home and spent time with my family. I really wanted to play World of Warcraft, but I have been noticing how I have been responding when I have been called away from it or played early into the mornings. It has been getting a little out of hand, but I have loved every minute of it. I have been meeting new people, playing well with others, and feeling as if I am accomplishing something. All the while though, I have been . . . neglecting (I guess) my family, the people that I should be spending most of my time with. So tonight, we got together and played Rummy Cube. I got it for my birthday. :) I even asked Mom for someone to play it with. :) That made her laugh. We had fun. We played two hands and by then it was nine thirty and Dad was tired, so we stopped.

Now it is two hours later and I really want to play WoW, but I think I am going to read instead. I am reading the third book in the Twilight series for the second time and things are just starting to get interesting. Anyway, I'll post pictures of my pretty toes once I can get a decent picture of them. :) I don't like shooting at night the lighting is all screwed up and I prefer natural light anyway. Wow, now I am rambling. :) Anyway, love you all tons. And thanks for the great day girls! It feels great to be pampered. :) And I felt great too. The cherry on top. :) Night!

A Happy Birthday, Yea!

Today was a good day. A gift I am sure. I felt aweful yesterday and today I felt so much better it is crazy. Yesterday I had "tummy problems" (take that as you wish) and was nauseated pretty bad. Today was great. I didn't have any problems besides fatigue, but that is just a given everyday occurance.

Tonight Mom, Dad, Joie and I went out to eat to celebrate my birthday. At first I didn't want to go out, but have the money go towards helping people on the trip to Vancouver. But then Dad said something that made me realize that I was using myself as a rug, which isn't right. I cried for a bit and then I figured well, screw it. I'm going to have some fun. So, I did. Thanks dad for giving me advice that I needed. I appreciate it when you do. :)

Also tonight, I was playing World of Warcraft, as I usually do, and came across a character whose name was "Drugged." I told him I liked his name and that since I have cancer drugs are okay. :) I think I kinda took him by surprise. lol. It was pretty much outta the blue. :) Anyways, we ended up spending 3 hours just talking to each other as we quested. It was fun. More fun than just dinking around on my own. Anyway, he has a condition where his body doesn't contain magnesium well at all and so his muscles spasm and hurt. His life has pretty much been ruined by it. We had a lot in common and there for a lot to say. It was a great chat and I look forward to chatting with him again. It made my day compelte. I am totally at peace with my day. No regrets. :) I'm glad. Days that have regrets suck. Well, I am off to bed, regret free. :) Night!

The Unexpected Things in Life

Ya know, I had something unexpected happen to me today. I recieved a card in the mail for my birthday from the last people on the planet I expected it from. It was sweet and reduced me to tears. It was from a few people that I hold very dear to my heart because of the last few years and what they wrote made my day, week, month. I haven't felt that good physically, mentally, or spiritually so it felt great to get that card.

It is amazing at how well God looks after his children and makes sure that someone is always there to say the words that he can't, "I love you and am always there for you." Thanks to all those people that pay attention to and act on the impressions of the spirit. It really makes someone's day, week, month when you do.

Taking A Day to Just Exist

So this post is earlier than a ton of my others, but I figured, "What the heck. It is either do this or play World of Warcraft." WOW wasn't working yesterday so I put it in time out and decided to tackle this instead. lol

After my busy week last week, the pain problems that my body had at the end of last week and beginning of this week, I took a day off. Serious I just went about doing what I was told. People asked me how I was and I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm here." My mom reacted with, "That's it?" I said, "Today I'm just existing and NO ONE is going to have a problem with that." :) I'm a little onery when I don't care and just existing. lol I have just been doing whatever and that has been nice. I almost stopped at the local beach on the river on my way home to get my feet wet, but there was too many people. In fact, . . . . . . I might still go, but go swimming instead. Hmmm.... that sounds really GOOD!!

Most of today I've been listening to tunes and jammin out. lol That sounds corney! And I got to drive Mom's car home and sped almost the whole way home. It felt great. Speed and loud beat music. AH, speaks great things to my body and my mind.

Oh, and I saw a really cool car. A Chevy Camaro Super Sport. Two seater. Dark metallic blue. It was sweet!! A girl was driving her boyfriend around. LOL!!! I was passing them and they guy caught me studying the car and so I revved my engine and passed them. I had to slow down and the next thing I knew the Sweet Camaro had revved it's engine and was passing me. Sigh. It was fun. :P :( I couldn't find a blue one. (Sigh.) Oh well, this'll do. I would love to drive one that is all sooped up and see how fast I could go. :) That would be cool. :) I'll keep dreaming. :)

Crazy Day

Boy am I glad that I have been taught to kinda go with the flow and not stress over what I can't control. A couple of good things about having cancer.

Well. this last weekend, Mom contracted a flu or something. She had an achy body, fever, chills, and no energy. I think she slept most of today. Since she isn't feeling good, I have taken on the role of babysitting Kiaya, Whit, and Oakley. It is kinda stressful, but so far it has worked out fine. One of Jon and Brit's friends was able to watch the kids today so that I could go to Primary Children's Hospital for a lab draw and got to see a ton of people. Man. It is hard to get around that place with out running into someone who wants to talk. It is fun and I like it. It helps me feel good about myself. Regrettably, two of the most important people that I wanted to talk to either weren't there or our time was cut short. I left the hospital crying (after seeing Dr. Randall, which always makes me cry), telling myself that I couldn't play the role of "Cancer Patient" today. I had too many other roles to play, "Mom to three kids," "Nurse to Mom," and the "everything-is-okay Jenna."

On the way home, Jerrod called me and suggested that I bring the kids down to his house and we chill there for a couple of days. Mom has been worried about getting me and the kids sick so it sounded good to me. Plus I get help with the kids. I was already planning to come down anyway so that Jer and I could get some plans together for Vancouver so just a little altering needed to be done. I am so thankful for Jer and Er's offer. It really alleviated a lot of my stress. Now I just hope Mom gets better soon. I have plans to go out with friends this weekend and I really need the social boost before I go home.

Well. I need to get to bed. Love ya all.

Jenna Lee

A Long Weekend Full of Everything, Major Blessings Included

I just got down to Jon and Brit's house from Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley Wyoming. It was so much fun. The first day I got there, Thursday, I was sore and not feeling so well. After a 6-7 hour car ride I couldn't blame my body. I didn't do much. That night we went to the fair and listened to Quicksand, a band that a distant cousin was in with her husband. She would listen to the band play and said, "You need a drummer" so she went out, bought her a set of drums and taught herself to play. Hasn't taken one lesson. She did pretty well. There was also a magician down from British Columbia Canada who put 5 people into a latex ballon. The balloon blew up to 5 feet in diameter with the use of a leaf blower. It was funny and awesome to watch. Grandma Hale was one of the ones he chose to get inside the balloon. Just as she was getting in, the balloon popped because the leaf blower person over inflated the balloon. HA, HA! Jed got some good pictures of it. I had left my camera back at the lodge. I was kicking myself for that. Thursday night Dad and Joie met us at the ranch.

Friday, everyone went on a four wheeler ride except for me, Aunt Shauna, Aunt Debbie, Grandma and a few of the kids. The four wheelers went to the place where the Utah snowmobilers got caught and killed in an avalanche up above Cottonwood Lake there above Smoot. The ride from what I hear is really rocky and very steep. Thankfully everyone returned to the ranch safely. Jon probably saved Mom and Dad's lives while on the ride. There was a really steep spot and Mom and Dad were on the same bike. As the hill got steeper, their weight got shifted more to the back of the bike. Jon was ahead of them, rode to the top and ran back down. Just as he reached Mom and Dad the front of their four wheeler was rising up in the air. He grabbed it, pulled back down and sat on the front for the rest of the way up. That could have been really bad. That four wheeler could have rolled over on top of both of them. Scary. We were truely blessed while up in Afton. When I get done with this travel log you will agree.

Saturday was rainy most of the day. Uncle Fred, Cody, and Jason went on a four wheeler ride to almost the same spot as that on Friday. They went up and it actually snowed on them. lol Crazy! Once the weather was decent, Aunt Cheryl took me up to Cottonwood Lake in the RZR. It was a really smooth ride and it didn't make me hurt afterwards. It was great! I loved it. I'll have to post some of my pictures of that. It was beautiful. Well, almost. When we got to the lake the forest around the lake looked horrible. It needs to be thined out. There are a whole bunch of dead trees that are a hazard to the environment. It is sad that some people think that leaving the environment alone is taking better care of our planet. The planet is a living thing and needs to be cultivated just like a garden. When you have a garden, you don't just leave the weeds and let them overtake the crop, the gardener takes out what is dead, harmful, or anything that threatens the crop. We should do the same for the forests. Dead trees cause forest fires. I would hate to see a fire go through up around Cottonwood Lake. It is so pretty, except for the dead trees.

Sunday I took a break from everything. My body and my nerves were getting a little high strung and I needed to detox. After church, I went up to my bed, plugged into my iPod, turned up the volume, and took a 2-3 hour nap. It was well needed since I hadn't been sleeping very well.

I have left something out, but I don't remember when it happened, but it fits in to my "we were taken care of" theme I'm trying to write about. Anyway, Jon gave Anna a crash course on how to ride his little three wheeler. She took off and he thought, "Either she really knows what she is doing, or she really doesn't know what she is doing." He told Mom to keep and eye on her and went inside the lodge to fix dinner. Five minutes later he came out and asked if Mom had seen Anna. She hadn't and was just getting ready to go and find her. Just then they saw Kiaya running toward them yelling, "Dad! DAD!" Jon took off running. Jon said that Kiaya said, "Dad! Anna drove the three wheeler into the lake! She's okay, but my THREE WHEELER!!" So it was. Anna somehow drove it into the deepest part of the lake. Thankfully, she didn't get caught anywhere on the bike and was able to swim to the shore and she was all right. Blessing number two! The only thing that was hurt was her pride. That night we all told her stupid stuff that we had done and I think it made her feel a ton better. Oh, Jon was able to get the bike out of the lake, clean it, and get it running again. He says that it runs even better now. lol I guess he got a lot out of taking apart his four wheeler when he was 14. I don't think that bike ever got put back together though.

For the final miracle of our trip. We had cleaned the lodge and were just packing up the cars to get ready to leave. Oakley had been watching Cody and Jason drop things down to Jon so that Jon could pack his truck. She fit right in between the rails on the deck. I had just come out of the lodge and saw Oakley right in between the rails, down on one knee. I really don't remember how I got to the railing, but it doesn't matter, I was too late. Oakley fell ten feet to the concrete driveway below, just an arms length or so from Jon, Cody, Jason, and Aunt Cheryl. They all thought that it was a bag that had fallen and that was exactly what it had sounded like. Jon says that she didn't even bounce, like the concrete absorbed her little body. From what Cody and Jason said Oakley landed on her pelvis and back, thankfully not her head. Jon picked her up and Oakley just whimpered a little at first. I think she got the wind knocked out of her. Mom and Jon took her to the ER in Afton where a doctor checked Oakley out. As far as he could tell, there wasn't anything wrong with her. She has a few bruises and a abrasion on one of her little arms, but other than that, she seems to be fine. There had to have been some angels wings down there for her to land on. My mom and dad said that they were surprised that no one else had done that in the 25-30 or so years the ranch has been there.

It was a nightmare for me. I was cussing out my body. I knew she was going to jump right when I walked out the door. Why it took me so long to get my legs going makes me angry to think about. All of the chemo and other medications I've had over the years has slowed down my responses to things. Driving I am okay because I'm a cautious driver anyway. I was so frustrated though. I was about three feet too late and petrified to see the other side of that railing. DAMN CANCER!!! I am so frustrated with my body and I don't know what I would have done if Oakley hadn't been okay. BUT, she IS running around. She IS still eating, drinking, crying, and BREATHING!! I need to remember that and not be frustrated with myself and thank God she still IS!! God please help me to remember and be thankful for that.

One Long Day, Therefore a Long Entry :)

Well, today was fun, long, and now I'm all used up. lol

It all started when I went to bed this morning around 3:30am (something I am trying to work on) and woke up at 8:30am! I have run on fumes almost all day today and I can't get my body out of sluggish mode. I don't know if it ever woke up today. lol :) I had to get up "early" today because I got chemo at MSTI at 10:30am. I hate it when I am crazy and do that to myself. While I was getting "chemoed" I took advantage of the opportunity to do some scripture study and studied out of the Teachings of Joseph Smith Relief Society manual. That was good for me. It gave me an extra spiritual boost that I have desperately needed.

It was actually a continuance of one that I have had since Saturday. I was found at Madi and Porter Moses' wedding by President Walker, my stake president. I had been on quite a low mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was frustrated, worn out, and gave Satan an easy target which he eagerly aimed at and shot his darts of doubt, frustration, and sadness at. A lot of them hit. Anyway, I love talking to President Walker. He is a great philosopher and has really studied the scriptures. He always has great counsel, I can tell that he cares deeply about the people under his stewardship, and it is really easy to feel the Holy Spirit when I am around him. We had a chat and he really buoyed me up. I really needed it, appreciated it, and loved it. I have tried to focus on, feed, and bask in the "light" that he past onto me. It has been wonderful.

After I got my chemo I went shopping. One of my least favorite activities, but one that I had put off long enough. After my bone marrow transplant I lost a lot of weight (40-45 lbs) and hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore. First on my list were shirts so I ran to Seagull Book and got some DownEast Basics shirts. They are really long and I love them.

After that I ran across the street to Old Navy and shopped for pants. For the record, I HATE SHOPPING FOR PANTS!! It is the bane of my existence! Especially when I am alone. Luckily for me I met Lauren, a worker at Old Navy, who helped me pick out some pants. I am pretty impressed with myself, that I went shopping all by my lonesome, not really a bright idea because I spent a lot more than I should have. lol

I have also needed to get some cute close toed Sunday shoes to go with a church outfit, so I walked over to Famous Footwear and picked out some shoes with Joie's help. I text pictures of the ones I liked and she told me what to get. lol Then I went to Walmart to get me some new headphones because mine mysteriously stopped working last week.

After all that I was worn out and wanting to take a nap. But, I was on my way home when Daddie called me and said, "Mom called and said, 'Joie's gone. Nothing is prepared. You and Jenna are on your way home. Why don't you go out to dinner.' So let's go. Where do you want to go? What do you feel like?" My response, "Absolutely nothing."

I don't have a great appetite anymore. In fact, I bet if someone watched me eat they would probably laugh at me. I sometimes order meals by merely closing my eyes and putting my finger somewhere on the menu because I can't decide. If I have no objections then I order it. After I order it I eat it like a normal person until I start to get full, then I start to choose certain items from my plate: either what has more protein or what I really like the most. Shortly after that, my plate is only about a quarter gone, but I am full. If I eat more, I am more likely to puke so it isn't a good idea and I frown upon it. lol

Anyway, Dad took me to Casa de Mexico (if I remember that right) in downtown Eagle. The food was really good, not very spicy at all, and the guy who helped us spoke English really well (always a plus). You could tell it was a second language for him. The decor was really pretty with Mexican memorabilia hanging up on the walls like copper pots and pans, a tapestry with an Aztec calendar on it, a beautiful picture of a Mexican woman, etc. The booths were really pretty too. There was a ceramic tile with a palm tree painted on it that was set into the middle of the table. On the seat backs that came up above Dad's head (while sitting down) were wood planks with carvings of palm trees on them. It was really pretty. I liked it a lot.

Once I got home my body was screaming at me for a break. I really just needed to take some Tylenol, lie down and try to get my body to relax. Up until a few minutes ago my legs were constantly tingling and slightly pulsating. I took one and a half oxycodone a few hours after the Tylenol because the Tylenol wasn't doing what I wanted it to. I feel a bit better now. I just need to go to bed. ASAP! Get some sleep in me. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow because Mom and I are headed to Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley, Wyoming and I have yet to pack. I am so excited. I haven't been there for probably two, two and a half years. I really miss it. It can be pretty peaceful there when it isn't overcrowded. Makes me miss Grandpa Hale though and a little disappointed when some of the younger cousins break the rules Grandpa ingrained in me. Sigh.

After Wyoming I will be in Utah for a few days with Mom while she babysits Jon's kids for them while Brit is in Hawaii with her family. While I am in Utah I am going to be BUSSSY! So many people to see and visit with and so little time. Sigh.

Well, I need to get to bed. I am exhausted! Love you all! Good Night! :)

P.S. All in all, today was really fun and a really good day. Thanks to Heavenly Father for giving me the strength to do it all. I wonder if I took advantage of His help today overdid things. If I did. . .well, I think that is okay. He likes it when his children are happy. And I am. :)

Goodness Gracious

It has been a while since I was on here and a few people dropped enough hints that I got a clue and so here I am. lol

Anyway. The reason for my absence is pretty simple and pretty lame. I haven't felt great mentally and I reverted back to . . . well . . . me and kept my thoughts to myself. It is pretty scary to write down what is going inside my head and then invite people to read it. It is crazy. Especially when I am not sure what is going on in there sometimes anyway. I am working on my trust issues though, that is partly what the blog is for. :)

Anyway, it is extremely late. I have chemo tomorrow and I think I'm only going to get about 5 hours of sleep. Sigh. Oh well. I just wanted to say, "I'm still here," "Times are tough," (but when are they not), and I will try to write more. One of these days I'll fully convince myself that writing really does help my mental state of things and then just do it.