Bad Day...but there is a hero...

Today has been a difficult day for Our Jenna Lee. She had a rough night last night. She had a big day yesterday, and she has had an increase in her pain since. She has no feeling in her legs, and as of today, she can't move her left leg. She can still maneuver her right leg, but the mental impact of not being able to move her left leg has left her worn out today. It is emotionally crippling as well as physically.

But Luna has been by her side all day. I walked into Jenna's room this morning and I pushed Luna off the bed so that I could have a place to sit. She curled herself up into the closet. But the funny thing is that, you can see how she had to struggle to get her big body into the small space in the closet. Then, Luna just hung out there until she decided she was hungry.

Then, she ended up with Jenna. Jenna has been sleeping a lot today, but she has been trying her hardest to get around. She decided that she needed some "exercise" so she wheeled herself around the kitchen. It was really cute to see her go find mom in the laundry room. She has a great relationship with mom, and mom helps her to calm down, and mom listens to her. It is really amazing to watch.

Mom asked me to take this picture. It is just a small measure of the comfort that Luna is able to offer to Jenna. There is nothing better than an animal that understands what you need, and is there for you, no matter what. We are grateful that Jenna has her Luna. She has done a lot for Jenna's comfort and healing.

The Blessings we have...

Happy Day!!! We are all so happy to be together...

These top pictures were from yesterday. We set up the card table in Jenna's room, and we all hung out there all day. We were able to get some craft projects done for my mom and Joie was even able to do her homework. We were pretty efficient for the 4 of us.

Jenna actually ventured away from home today. She decided that she wanted to go to church. Yeah for Jenna Lee. She was the first one up this morning, and sadly the last one ready for Church. That was a new experience for our little Jenna Lee. She was a little discouraged by the fact that both her older sister and her younger sister beat her getting ready, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!! When I came downstairs this morning, Dad had gotten Jenna breakfast, and pushed her up to the sink to brush her teeth. Much easier that maneuvering her giant wheelchair into the bathroom. I took over the rest of getting Jenna ready. I helped her get dressed, and do her hair, and we luckily remembered to put one some basics like deodorant. Hahaha! Remembering the basics for someone else is a little more difficult than it is for just myself.

Everyone at the Horseshoe Bend Branch is so wonderful. There were tears in peoples eyes as I pushed Jenna's wheelchair into sacrament meeting. They were so excited to see her come to church. She hasn't been to church for quite some time. We were received with peace and warmth. The people up here love Jenna so much and are so grateful for her example. She is really inspiring to a lot of people, not just me.

rc.

This was Jenna's first car ride since she came home from Utah in January. She was really excited to go to church.

But Church really tuckered her out. She froze to death. We had to send Joie home to get her a pair of socks, and Dad had to go out to the car to get the BYU blanket from the trunk. We spent a lot of time getting her comfortable in her wheel chair. Sitting in one place for too long is really painful for her, and since she can't just stand up and move around, we all had to help her with that.

Joie had to leave today at 2:30pm. It was really hard to say goodbye to her. We have so much fun when we are together. Joie brings excitement and light heartedness with her every where she goes. She is such a joy to have around. She will be home from school for a couple of weeks in April. Then she will be heading back out to BYU-I.

A Sisterly Smooch!!! We are so blessed to have sisters. For anyone who does not have the blessing of sisters, I am so sorry. There is such a comfort that sisters bring. There is such a joy that is felt when we are all together. It would have been so great if our other sisters, Erika, Brittany, and the newest sister, Krista could have joined us this weekend. They were missed and loved. We are so grateful for them, and their willingness to love our brothers, cause heaven knows, we struggled with that growing up. :) I guess it is easier to love those boys now!!! We have so many things to be grateful for...sisters, brothers, spouses, kids, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I find myself excited for eternal life, where we can all be together and know that the struggles of this life were not only worth it, but over. I am excited to see everyone there.

We were laughing about Joie's bangs and how it looks like they are attacking Jenna's head. AUGHHHHHHH!!! Watch out for the BANGS!!!!

Oh, Joie!!! I already miss you!!!!!

Jenna froze her toes off today!!!! Jenna's pain has been really well controlled by medicine, however, the theory on her pain easing is this...There is a visible tumor on Jenna's lower back. The last time my family and I were here, Jenna was in unbearable pain. She has been totally different on this trip, and we think that the tumor in her lower back has essentially attacked the nerves in the area. She is totally unable to walk. She has no feeling in her legs and feet, unless she gets too cold, then she only feels tingling. She has started to feel pain again tonight. It is so hard to watch her as her eyes fill up with tears. She just closes her eyes, and grimaces and you know, that she is feeling some pain. She tries so hard to not let it bother her, but it is just too much. Mom increased Jenna's morphine again tonight. It has been a while since she has had to do that. It is hard on Jenna.

Tonight, she asked mom how long Grandpa Hale was in a wheel chair before he passed away. I think Jenna was trying to get some sort of idea or an estimate on how much time she had left. Mom gently explained to her that Grandpa's cancer was so very different from hers, and comparing their illnesses would be in vane. Jenna, had tears in her eyes when mom finished. She just wants to have a little understanding of how much longer she will have to suffer. My heart ached for her. She has endured for so long and asking her to keep going seems like torture. But I know, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a time table for her. He is just not randomly keeping her here to suffer. There are things that need to be learned, not only by her, but by those around her. Her tasks are not completed, but He is aware of her, and her suffering, and He is reaching His merciful arms out to her daily. She feels His comforting embrace, and she is strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and the prayers, faith and love of those who are learning from her.

Jenna, your patience marvels me!!! What a blessing it is to be your big sister. I know that this life hasn't been easy for you, and I know without a doubt that it sure doesn't seam fair, but I learned this today in Sunday School...

Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Life is Fair.

Our experiences on Earth are so different, but when we all do what we can, the Savior makes up the rest, and that is what makes life fair. He offers His Sacrifice to everyone, not just a chosen few. His arms of mercy are extended to you, and to me, and I will feel blessed to be able to see you wrapped in His Arms when this earthly experience is completed.

I Love You!!!!

Getting to Jenna!!!

I left Casa Grande at 2:45 pm. I arrived in Horseshoe Bend at 4:15 am. What an incredible journey. I had plenty of time to spare in the Phoenix airport, I spent that time talking on the phone and reading my book. I really enjoyed my flight to SLC. When we landed in SLC I was a little nervous because I had only 25 minutes to catch the connecting flight to Boise. Myself, and a few of the other passengers around me, who were also headed to Boise, headed straight for the departure screens in the terminal. The 577 flight to Boise wasn't even posted. We all headed over to Customer Service where we were told that the 577 flight was still in Tulsa, Oklahoma. WHAT??? Yep, and it still had to stop in Denver, Colorado. They actually changed the airplane in Oklahoma after spending 4 hours trying to fix it. Then the got to Denver, and they had to de-ice the plane. Then, Southwest finally decided to just trade the planes out for a warm fresh plane that had just landed. No de-icing necessary. Then they were off. Flight 577 finally landed in SLC at 12:20 am. Slightly later than the scheduled 8:10 pm arrival. Anyway, I was all out of reading energy by the time we got on the plane headed for Boise, so I stretched out across a whole bench and fell asleep until the plane landed. Below are some pictures of my time in SLC.

A riding Vacuum... who'da Thunk? I was laughing because I WANT ONE!!!! Not that I have a ton of carpet to vacuum, I really don't, I just thought that it would be cool. I am almost certain that the man I was taking a picture of was slightly concerned about the CRAZY woman taking a picture. I was smiling as I walked away from him, hoping he wasn't concerned about INS.
The poor people waiting for flight 577. There were many more wandering the hospital, walking back and forth to different areas looking for food, and coffee.

Once we landed in Boise, I shook the cobwebs from my brain, and called Joie and dad who were patiently waiting for me. I lugged my suitcase off the baggage claim turntable, and headed out into the cold of the night. It is freakin' cold in Idaho. My blood isn't thick enough to handle the 30 degree nights here.

We headed to the Horseshoe Bend Homestead. We walked into the house, Dad pulling my green suitcase behind him. We stopped in the Guest Room, now Jenna's room. Complete with hospital bed and her fabulous t.v. Mom and Dad and one of their neighbors rearranged the house to accommodate the new living arrangement. Jenna was sleeping, but her t.v. was on, so Dad walked into her room, took off her glasses, took the remote, and kissed her head as he turned off the t.v. She opened her eyes, and said, Hi daddy. He said, "Night Jen." I said, "Hi sis." and her eyes opened a little bit more. She smile, and said, "Hi, Gikkers." I told her that I planned on spending alot of time sitting in that comfy reclining chair in her room. and Joie, well, Joie could just sit on the floor. Jenna laughed and said, "no, she can have the commode." We were laughing way to hard for 4:30 in the morning.

I have spent the morning with Jenna. She is currently in the comfy recliner and I in her hospital bed. She is taking a little nap. She looks good, and seams to be in good spirits. She can't walk. He legs give up on her, so Dad has to pick her up and move her from one place to another. They do a little dance to get Jenna's feet to shuffle where they need to be. Jenna is still eating, and she even gets Dad to put her in the wheel chair and roll her up to the table so we could have lunch together. Jenna has a wicked sense of humor. She always has fun things to say. Joie, mom and I were talking, and mom fell behind the conversation. When we caught mom up to speed, she said, "sorry, I have a little lag in my brain." I said, "you, I am the one who changed time-zones." and Jenna said, "Yep, she has Jenna Lag." I guess mom has gotten use to Jenna's morphine induced speed of SLOW!!! Us girls are having a lot of fun. I am so grateful I am able to be here and spend some time with my little sister.

I will keep posting, and keep everyone up to date on Jenna's condition.

The Last Couple of Days: Short Report

For some unknown reason yesterday was one of those thought provoking, philosophical days where all I want to do is talk and cry. I was a social butterfly on the phone today. Calling one person after another. I struggle through days like this because my thoughts bring me down and I find myself on a dark pinnacle and any movement could knock me off to the deep abyss below. On all sides I feel fatigued and defeated to the very last ounce of energy in my soul on all sides, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. And it is so unfair because on days like this all I want to do is cry with soul retching sobs and huge elephant tears that fall almost uncontrollably. I say this is unfair because when I cry, I hurt. The tumors that are ravaging my body to pieces are in places that all the energy that comes because of the sobs is transferred to shaking my body, mostly my lower back. It is an unfair cycle that never ends.

On these days, I can readily find the fatigue that has piled up over these last four years. I find that everyone has moved on in some way or other and find that I just seem to be moving ever more moving backward. For example, I am totally dependant at an age where I should be experiencing the wonders and tragedies that come from independence. It is frustrating, depressing at times.

This was yesterday. Satan had almost had me cornered, questioning what I had once had no doubt about. I couldn't believe how far I had fallen. My frustrations turned into a battle with Satan for my soul and I knew I couldn't just give up. My mom thankfully started asking me questions. At each question I heard two voices inside my head.

I could hear the devil laughing, cheering, yelling at me. Yelling, "YES!! WHAT YOU HAVE BELIEVED IN FOR SO LONG IS NO MORE! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN WITH NO ONE TO AID! SAY IT! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE!!!!"

Somewhere in the background is where I found the small quiet voice of my testimony and of the Holy Ghost. Both whispering those truths that had been strong through out my whole lifetime. It was these small voices that I devastating clawed after in the corners of my mind. It was very interesting, I find now and not at the time, that the Holy Ghost never left me. The Holy Ghost used its small calming voice that I so needed at the time.

In the midst of all this chaos in my head, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. It wasn't until after this blessing that I was able to calm myself and then, combined with the inspired questions my mom softly asked me, I began to hear the soft, gentle words. Words of my own testimony. It was as if the Holy Ghost was bearing my own testimony to me. Looking back it was truly a blessed and sacred moment that I feel compelled to share with all of you.

Sorry for the deafening silence over these last couple of months, but I don't even remember almost a month and a half anyway. So you are caught up with me now. lol Today I feel better. Still stiff. And my body feels medicated, which it totally is. We bombarded it with a huge arsenal of drugs to help with pain and to settle my body and mind. That is how things are now. I am on the homestretch of the pain cycle I have. I have had a night of horrid pain, physical, emotional, and mental. Now I am coming up to the top of the circle to hopefully have a few days of rest.

Pray please, everyone. I know that the power of prayer works and that a miracle occurred last night. I was given help to defeat my biggest challenger. This battle was won. But the war is not over yet.