I am not sure what I am going to write, but I am sure it is going to be . . . .

Well, after a crapy weekend and having a sorrowful heart I really don't know what I am going to write. Last Saturday, I wanted to go up to Camp Glenwood with the stake Relief Society so that I could get some companionship from the women, get out of the house, and be lifted by the spirit in the classes that were taught. I wanted to really bad and I even had talked Mom and Joie into going with me. Only, I woke up on Saturday and could hardly breath I was in so much pain which I calmed myself down so I could, but then I realized that I couldn't go in the shape I was in so I started to cry because I am so frustrated on missing out on things because of stupid, good for nothing cancer, that, in my case, will never go away!!! So right now I just feel like doing more chemo is just prolonging my life for crappy days like this weekend: full of pain, full of not caring, full of frustration, and full of nothing! It is crappy!

I have not felt great since then (as you can tell) and haven't been able to focus on anything, but sleeping and I've become and expert in wasting time on the computer! Therefore I don't care about school because I don't feel well, I don't care that I am behind in school because I don't feel well, and I am frustrated that I DON'T CARE!!! I want to care about something because it is when you care about something that you find yourself enjoying life and actually living life. With my not caring, I have turned to World of Warcraft (because it doesn't hurt to play or do) which is a waste of time when other things can be getting done.

I need to remember the fun things that my family has planned though. I do look forward to that. I just wish it were sooner. . . or something. . . like maybe I felt great and there was no chance that I would be feeling crappy! Which will never happen. Sigh. I need to pull myself together though because I have eight pages to write for my Criminal Justice class and impossible research to do for it.

This is short, I promise. At least I am writing, I guess.

Today was a fairly good day. I sure did have a hard time getting motivated to get out of bed. Plus, I woke up hurting a fair amount so I took half of one of my pills which did the trick. It made everything feel better. Now it is night time and I am really tired. It helps that it is 3:00 AM. Sigh. When will I ever learn to go to bed before 12:00 AM.

Anyway, I got my chemistry homework done. Tomorrow I need to turn it in along with some Lab Reports and Interim Lab results and extra credit. I also need to working on my paper for Criminal Justice. It is an eight page paper on what rights are covered in the first amendment and what their limitations are. It will be interesting.

Oh. Sometime I am going to have to put on the "Most of the Walkers' Horseback ride" It was tons of fun and between Nikki's camera and mine, I think we got some fairly nice pix. Hopefully that will happen soon, if not give me two weeks, cause then my classes are over!!! Yeah. Then I am going to take a well earned break. When school starts up in the fall . . . well, I'll just have to see how I am doing then. For now, I need to go to bed before I fall asleep.

Love you all.

Jenna Lee

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Well today was a realitively good day. I have survived yesterday's avalanche due to some great blessings from our Father in Heaven. Now I am wondering when the next storm is going to brew. Until then I am thankful for the respite.

It is late, but I wanted to show my appreciation for my dad by posting a little shout out on my blog. I am so thankful for him and for what he does to provide for his family. I am thankful that he is there to comfort and to teach me here in this life. He is great and I hope he know how much his kids love him. Love you Dad! Hope you had a great Father's Day.

Your Wee, Wittle Jenna Wee.

Ok, Time to Get Back in the Habit . . . Though I'm Not Sure I Want to

Ever notice when you make a goal at doing something and then something happens that makes you miss a day. Then that day turns into a couple of days and those couple of days end up being another couple of days. Then, before you know it, a week has gone by and you don't even care that you set the goal in the first place. Well, that is what has happened here. I have finally gotten enough comments that I have decided to take up the habit again, or at least start writting again. I have never had so many people miss my writing. It isn't that good. So get ready to be unloaded upon. lol

Anyway, I have a lot to update on this blog, but that is going to have to wait for a while when I have time and I care. This is not one of those days.

Today I felt fine physically, but mentally I might as well have been a slug. I was so unmotivated to do anything. I watched movies on tv all day. Then I decided what I was doing was stupid since I have a criminal justice test on monday and I realized that up to today I had only read five out of about 130 pages. So I finally started reading around five o'clock just to stop at eight to get ready to go to Ashley Flake's (now Dilsilver [or something like that, sorry Ash :( ] ) wedding reception which was beautifully decorated (kodos to Mom and those that helped). And then I stayed with Mom and Dad to help Flakes clean up. Which whoever invented the removable pews needs to rethink the design or set up a helpline to set it back up. It was totally ridiculous and frustrating. And I didn't even help that much to put it back together. I felt so bad for the Flake boys who had to stay and figure out the puzzle. So I didn't get done things that I needed to. Oh well.

Also today hasn't been that great of a day for me mentally. I had another day that the realization of how much my life sucks comes crashing down on me like an avalanche. And once the avalanche starts it is hard to stop, especially when other things happen thoughout the day that make you feel just "WONDERFUL" about . . . sigh . . . other things. Today the avalanche was more about the things that I won't be able to do in my life. First it was the realization that I won't be able to do anything with my life school wise and career wise. Now with all the weddings going on around HSB, it hit me like a brick that marriage in this life is pretty much not going to happen for me. Besides it isn't like I have much to offer. "Hi, my name is Jenna Walker and I have terminal cancer. I don't know how much time I have. . . Wanna start a life together only to end up heartbroken and have to start all over anyway?" That is great. See what I mean about an avalanche? It sucks.

Anyway, I hate to say this because I hate wasting days, but today was wasted. Totally. Which even further adds to my frustration and when I get frustrated I don't get angry! I cry! Then I get even more frustrated because I am crying because I am made!!!! A totally ridiculous and vicious cycle. It is no wonder that all my emotions get pent up. Crazy.

Hmm. I just realized that I am going to get a few "I'm so sorry" looks from some people who read this. I hate those, but I am really trying to be totally honest with how I feel in writting on this and people need to know about my good days and my bad. The worst days are when I am not doing good mentally. The bad days physically I can at least take a pain pill and if the pain is bad enough, be forced to sleep the day away because of the stronger medication. When I have a mentally bad day there is nothing to shut the crap off that goes on in my brain and no pain pill to help with the emotional pain that it causes. Therefore I would MUCH rather have physically painful days than mentally painful days. Something I don't think many people understand and it can't be understood until you are there. And it is so frustrating because . . . I can't find comfort from anyone here.

I need to stop writting and just go to bed. I am just getting more "avalanched." Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Father in Heaven, please help me. . .

What A Long Day Of Chemisty!!!

Well, today I tried to do some of my homework for Chemistry. On Monday, my teacher assigned two labs so I have been working on them throughout the week. Today was testing reaction rates of how fast it would take bleach to turn blue colored water clear. I spent about 5 hours on this lab and then decided it was taking so long I would make up some of my results. It was pretty ridiculous.

It took forever just by mixing bleach with the colored water, so when I found out I had to put it in an ice bath I just about lost it! When you cool the temperatures in a chemical reaction, it slows down the reaction. So instead of taking 13 minutes for 1 mL of bleach to turn 15 mL of colored water colorless, the cold temperatures made it take 1 hour and 10 minutes!!! And the experiment wanted me to do that TWO MORE TIMES!!! I said no way Jose and put down a couple of similar values. I was not happy and Nikki was about to deck me if I asked her if the solution still looked blue to her. Dad said that maybe it was not so much a Chemistry test as it was a Psychiatric test to see how far people will go before the go crazy! It was the most ridiculous experiment I have ever done. I have never had to spend a whole day on an experiment.

By the way, this is usually how Mom's kitchen looks on Mondays. That is when I get my experiments to do. :) Poor Mom, today I took over her kitchen, made it look like the garbage exploded, made it stink like bleach, and then she had to work around me to prepare dinner. She is was good sport about it though. lol

I was totally bummed because I really wanted to play with Nikki's kids because I hardly get to see them, but I need to stay focused on school too. It is a hard decision to make and I don't like making it! Yesterday I played a lot, so today I had to work to balance it out. Sad. :( Well, I have Chemo tomorrow, Thursday. Wish me luck! It shouldn't be too bad. Maybe I tell ya about it tomorrow if there isn't something more important to talk about. Night!!

"Jenna, Mores!"

I heard that many times today from little Miss Danilynn. She is so cute and precious. We went out and played on the swing set and had a ton of fun. Each time I got tired and went to sit down, she would come, find me, grab my hand, and say, "Jenna, mores!" It was so cute and awesome to feel wanted by her because Danilynn is very attached to "Jo Jo". I LOVED IT.

While I was playing with Danilynn, Nikki, Joie, and J.J. were on a blanket soaking up the rays. It was really nice outside: not to hot or cold, not too sunny or cloudy. It was great.

Well, I have nothing enlightening to say. I think my brain has flat lined for today. And I have already overstated how school is going. It is a shame that nothing is going on in my head right now. :) Oh, well. I hope it lives tomorrow. lol

Low Energy, But Still Gettin By

Well, I took my second exam in Criminal Justice today and I am starting to wonder if it is cheating to ask Heavenly Father to help me remember what I have read. It is not like me to read two chapters and remember as much as my tests say I am remembering. It is quite interesting and I am very thankful for the blessings He gives me when I am doing school.

I am whipped out today. The chemo that I got on Friday is taking its toll on me. I haven't had any bloody noses, thank goodness, but I am so physically weak it is ridiculous. Sometimes I find myself not having the strength to stand and all I want to do is sleep. So right now I do a lot of sitting and I even took a nap today out in my hammock.

It is so frustrating though because Nikki is up here with her kids and I really want to play with them. I want to so much that I do it anyway. I get light headed and dizzy sometimes, but it is worth it. I just sit for a while and take a drink and I eventually feel better. I love all of my neices and nephews and it is great to spend time with them.

I also got quite a bit of homework done. Not everything that I need to get done, but I was surprised at what I did considering how I feel. I am so glad that I make a list of things I need to do because it is so rewarding at the end of the day to cross off items I did and actually see my progress.

Well, I need to sleep if I am ever going to get any energy back. :( Night! Have a great day!

Okay, I Am Crazily Behind

These next few days are going to be interesting. I have so much to do. :) I am hoping to not slack off in my blogging, but forgive me if I do. I am about a week behind in my classes so that takes priority. I will try to post, but things are going to be a little hectic. Love ya! Jenna Lee

I Need to Head to Bed

Well. This will be short because I need to get to bed. I spent today in a car. I drove up to Idaho with Nikki and her two rugrats. :) It was fun and the kids were able to get used to me. It was great and I loved it. I didn't get hardly any reading done. My brain has closed off its inbox due to an overload and won't recieve anymore incoming information. It is so frustrating. I need it to "open up" as soon as possible. Chemotherapy on Friday didn't help it at all. Now I am dealing with "chemo brain." Argh!

On the ride home I didn't have any bad side effects from the chemo, thank heavens. When I got a little nauseated, I would munch on something (thanks Nik for providing snacks for your kids and me ;) ) and then I would feel better. I didn't hurt to badly either. But now I am worn out.

I know there isn't much posted here, but later I will post some pictures of our car ride. For now this will have to do. :) Night!

Super Busy Day And Super Tired Because Of It

Today was a very busy day. I left Jon and Britt's house at 9:45 this morning and ever since then has been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride. I have enjoyed every minute of it though. :)

I went to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake (my home away from home) to talk to my doctor about what the plan is for me next. Which, I have learned, totally depends on me. Right now I know no further than two weeks from now. Today I got a chemotherapy drug called gemcitobene. It is one of the nicer drugs that I have had. They give me anzemet, a 24 hour anti-nausea drug, that takes care of the nausea totally. Other than feeling a little weaker I am doing great. After today, I get the same drug next week up in Idaho at MSTI. Then we wait to see what my body does, i.e. how low it drops my blood counts, mainly my platelets. If I like how it goes, we do it again and again and again, until it doesn't work for pain control or whatever happens. But whatever happens, happens and I have no control so I am not worrying about it.

Today as I was driving to the hospital (in my first rental car), the closer I got the faster my heartbeat got and the more nervous I got. By the time I got up to the clinic my heart rate was 120 beats per minute, which is kinda high. Normal for me is around 99-102. I was way nervous. As I was being checked in, Pam went to put my bracelet on with all my hospital info on it and I said, "Okay, on with the shackles." She said, "At least we let you go later today." And I said, "Well, yeah, but I still have to do time after I leave." Meaning once I leave doesn't mean that my "stay" isn't over. I still have next weeks chemo and side effects to fight through. The side effects might take four or five weeks! Then I get to do it all over again.

But, for the most part, I don't mind. I have things to do and finish here. I am in no hurry anymore. I am at peace with my cancer, once again, for the most part. I still have my days, like Wednesday, where I am thrown forcefully back into the sucky life of a cancer patient. Days like that make me want to work harder to get better to be able to work harder on things that I want and need to do so I don't go crazy. :) I don't like how I feel on those days so I try my best to leave them in the dust and not let them rule my life. I have better things to do than wallow in self pity or anguish.

After I was checked in, I was only alone for about 5-10 minutes before I had people in my room. Tons of people. :) My nurse, my psychologist and his rookie, my doctor, and my other doctor that was a rookie when I started all this, but is now a full-fledged doctor. Then we didn't do anything for a while which helped me to settle down a bit. We talked about what I was up to, what I was doing to keep myself busy, and some things that I have been working on getting done. I made my psychologist's day. :) He thought he was needing to come in and give me a talkin' to. Get me motivated to do stuff, because when I do stuff I do better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But he was pretty impressed with what I am doing. He told me that "little Jenna is all grown up now" and that I was like 30 years old! lol I told him not to push it.

I do feel older in a way though. I have learned how to deal with the life I have been given and how to push the right buttons for me to get self motivated. It is amazing. I have learned that there are things that matter and things that don't and not to consume my time with things that don't. For example, picking pointless fights with people just to prove I'm right. Now when I'm right I go "argh crap," especially with my chemistry class. I hate correcting teachers, but I also feel that I need to. Not only for me, but for my classmates as well. Funny thing is, my teacher welcomes it and even encourages it. lol He must be a pretty humble guy. lol

After spending six hours with people that I love and that love me that I am not related to and being sung to by a Marine Choir, I spent an hour trying to figure out what I was doing tonight. I needed to go see Grandma Hale, but I also wanted to go see Jerrod and his family. It was frustrating to be so close yet so far away and not be able to see his fam. So I arranged with Grandma and Nikki a plan that we would go visit her tomorrow morning before we headed out for Boise. I still owe Grandma a night of games even though she doesn't know that I owe her. :)

So I drove down to Payson to stay the night at Jerrod's house and hang out with the fam and then I will drive up tomorrow with Nik. I am so tired, sore and a little nauseated right now, but I just took some drugs to help me out. I should sleep like a baby tonight. Why do they say that? It isn't like babies don't wake up during the night! lol But I needed to post to make sure that I stay in the habit. It is a great habit for me. I have enjoyed it and I love getting comments from people, then I don't feel like I'm talking to myself. :) I get a lot of up lifting comments that help me feel better about what I am doing. Thanks y'all. Have a great day!

A Totally Better Day, Hurray!

Today was totally fun. The funnest I've had since . . . some of my theatre classes last semester. I have been agonizingly overdue. :) In fact this entry is going to be pretty long because of all the pictures I want to post on it.

So here is what went on today. My friend, Rosalie, and I have been trying to hook up for months now. This time when I knew when I was coming down, I called her up and we made a date. We decided that we would go to the Oquirrh Mountain Utah Temple Open House and just hang out all day. That was a great decision. I would highly recommend the Open House to anybody. It is really beautiful inside (as I'm sure all temples are) and there is a wonderful spirit inside and on the grounds. The temple is set up on a hill up by the Kennecot Copper Mine so you can see everywhere around you. It is so pretty. It was a lovely, enlightening, impossible to describe experience. Especially after the thoughts and feelings of this last week. I am truly blessed to be able to be comforted by our Father in Heaven as many times as I have been and this time it was amazing to go from as low as I was to as high as I am. It was incredible.

I know without a doubt that He loves me and each and every one of His children. I know that every time one of us is going through a hard, rough time He and His Son want to help us as much as they can and they will as much as we let them. I am grateful for both of them and this wonderful Plan Of Happiness that we are blessed with and for the opportunity to have our families forever. I am also thankful for those that pray for me. I don't think they expected this quick of a turn around for me, but. . .wow. . .

After the temple, we went to Rose's apartment and played games until I felt to guilty for staying there and not being with others that have expressed a desire to see me or that I have a desire to see. We had so much fun though. It was wonderful. I didn't let myself think about school or anything. I seriously TOOK A DAY OFF!!! And it was really needed and wonderful. We played Rummy Cube which totally reminded me of my Grandma Hale.

When I was a kid, Mom's family would spend summer weekends up at Grandpa's Ranch, Hale's Rainbow Ranch in Star Valley Wyoming. When no one would want to play with me (or sometimes I with them eventually) I would go over to Grandma and Grandpa's cabin and play Rummy Cube with Grandma. I have a lot of fond memories of playing games with Grandma. She was always there to play when I needed it. So thanks Grandma Hale. I love you.

Well, y'all, thanks for reading my "thoughts." It is nice for me to be able to write thoughts and just send them out to whomever wishes. I'm usually not so free with my thoughts, but I have decided that I need to be and be honest about it. . .most of the time. :) Thanks for your prayers and thoughts in my behalf. Love you all. Good Night!

P.S. A couple of indian meanings for "oquirrh": Goshute is "wooded mountain." Not all that cool, but the Ute meaning is really interesting. It is "glowing" or "shinning mountains" because of the glow of the sun on them when it snows. Now that there is a temple on those mountains they will shine and glow like never before. Those Utes really know what they were talking about!

If You Are Grouchy, Irritable, or Mean There Will Be A $50 Fine For Puting Up With You

There is no real reason for that title really, it just serves as a reminder to me to not be cranky when I'm struggling with thoughts in my head or with pain.

Today has been one of those days that I have struggled with. I couldn't focus a whole lot on my studies, which means I'm further behind than I would like to be. Ever since going to see Dr. Randall things have been a little different. I have found myself looking off into the distance or up at the sky and thinking, "Man, my life really sucks" with an overwhelming sadness in my being. Now I find myself crying without really know why besides . . . well . . . my life sucks right now. I am in an awful predicament. Today I have hit a wall where I am sick of pretending, and in part believing, that everything is hunky dory and not feeling that there is any other way to act! And I am only half way through my week!!!! Which is totally frustrating beyond description and totally unfair to those I have yet to hang out with for the rest of the week. Lucky for me half of the time I have left is going to be spent up at Primary Children's with the docs and people that know how much my situation sucks. But I have to be good (i.e. not grouchy, irritable, or mean :) ) until then. This is an awful fight at which I feel that I am alone in and losing horribly.

Now I sleep to wake in another day of this battle that rages within me. Tonight I might be faltering, but tomorrow I arise anew and ready to begin again. (wow. . . either that is really good or really cheesy. lol)

How Ever Long The Night, The Dawn WILL Break

Okay so I left my camera hook up for the computer at home so I will have to post pictures later.

Today I flew down to Salt Lake City. My first flight all by myself. I was pretty proud I made it here actually and not somewhere like, St. Louis, then I really would have been in trouble. lol
The flight was pretty good. I have decided I need to fly more because I get more reading for school done on a plane than anywhere else. :)

After I got to SLC, I went up to see Dr. Randall. He is . . . Well, there is not really a word to describe him. He is the busiest person I know and yet he is always there for me, to give me a hug and encourage me to hang in there. He lets me cry on his shoulder and get his shirt all wet and doesn't give a rat's behind about it. He lets me cry without making me feel like I have to be strong. He is a great man and knowing him has totally changed the way I think about life.

Remember, Today Is The Tomorrow yYou Worried About Yesterday.

I have been so stressed with school. It seems that whenever I get one thing done I need to do another thing by tomorrow. It is crazy, but I love it (most of the time). Yesterday, I was freaking out because I had so much on my list to do today before I fly down to Utah: Criminal Justice Test, Lab Experiments, Laundry, Go into Boise to get my Passport in the Mail, Clean the house, Pack, Check in for my Flight, Rent a Car . . . I think that might be all. lol But I did get it all done. Once I got my Criminal Justice Test out of the way, I felt much better. It was the first test for this semester. I always hate those. I almost forgot the two most important things on my list for tomorrow. It was like 10:00 pm when I remembered that I needed to check in and rent a car. That would not have been good. :)

When I got my picture taken for my passport I was not too happy with my picture, but when you are bald, it is kind of hard to get a picture that you like. Joie's picture on the other hand was very pretty. Well, I am going to attempt to go to bed. Night, Night!!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I totally believe this especially with my up coming test tomorrow. :) I am so nervous and I don't know how much of the information I have taken in. Right now I just hope it is enough for a B, but I don't think I have even that much in my head. :( I know that there is real power in prayer. I feel the strength of the prayers made in my behalf and also the thoughts sent my way. I know that if I do all that I can, Heavenly Father will help me remember what I need to. Anyway, wish me luck and pray that I can remember what I have studied.

Tomorrow is a very busy day. It is a preparation day for when I fly down to Utah!! I am so excited and freaked out at the same time. lol It will be what I make of it. It can either be stressful or full of fun and I think I want the "full of fun" option. Life is more fun that way. lol Well, goodnight y'all!