Ok, Time to Get Back in the Habit . . . Though I'm Not Sure I Want to

Ever notice when you make a goal at doing something and then something happens that makes you miss a day. Then that day turns into a couple of days and those couple of days end up being another couple of days. Then, before you know it, a week has gone by and you don't even care that you set the goal in the first place. Well, that is what has happened here. I have finally gotten enough comments that I have decided to take up the habit again, or at least start writting again. I have never had so many people miss my writing. It isn't that good. So get ready to be unloaded upon. lol

Anyway, I have a lot to update on this blog, but that is going to have to wait for a while when I have time and I care. This is not one of those days.

Today I felt fine physically, but mentally I might as well have been a slug. I was so unmotivated to do anything. I watched movies on tv all day. Then I decided what I was doing was stupid since I have a criminal justice test on monday and I realized that up to today I had only read five out of about 130 pages. So I finally started reading around five o'clock just to stop at eight to get ready to go to Ashley Flake's (now Dilsilver [or something like that, sorry Ash :( ] ) wedding reception which was beautifully decorated (kodos to Mom and those that helped). And then I stayed with Mom and Dad to help Flakes clean up. Which whoever invented the removable pews needs to rethink the design or set up a helpline to set it back up. It was totally ridiculous and frustrating. And I didn't even help that much to put it back together. I felt so bad for the Flake boys who had to stay and figure out the puzzle. So I didn't get done things that I needed to. Oh well.

Also today hasn't been that great of a day for me mentally. I had another day that the realization of how much my life sucks comes crashing down on me like an avalanche. And once the avalanche starts it is hard to stop, especially when other things happen thoughout the day that make you feel just "WONDERFUL" about . . . sigh . . . other things. Today the avalanche was more about the things that I won't be able to do in my life. First it was the realization that I won't be able to do anything with my life school wise and career wise. Now with all the weddings going on around HSB, it hit me like a brick that marriage in this life is pretty much not going to happen for me. Besides it isn't like I have much to offer. "Hi, my name is Jenna Walker and I have terminal cancer. I don't know how much time I have. . . Wanna start a life together only to end up heartbroken and have to start all over anyway?" That is great. See what I mean about an avalanche? It sucks.

Anyway, I hate to say this because I hate wasting days, but today was wasted. Totally. Which even further adds to my frustration and when I get frustrated I don't get angry! I cry! Then I get even more frustrated because I am crying because I am made!!!! A totally ridiculous and vicious cycle. It is no wonder that all my emotions get pent up. Crazy.

Hmm. I just realized that I am going to get a few "I'm so sorry" looks from some people who read this. I hate those, but I am really trying to be totally honest with how I feel in writting on this and people need to know about my good days and my bad. The worst days are when I am not doing good mentally. The bad days physically I can at least take a pain pill and if the pain is bad enough, be forced to sleep the day away because of the stronger medication. When I have a mentally bad day there is nothing to shut the crap off that goes on in my brain and no pain pill to help with the emotional pain that it causes. Therefore I would MUCH rather have physically painful days than mentally painful days. Something I don't think many people understand and it can't be understood until you are there. And it is so frustrating because . . . I can't find comfort from anyone here.

I need to stop writting and just go to bed. I am just getting more "avalanched." Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Father in Heaven, please help me. . .