I am not sure what I am going to write, but I am sure it is going to be . . . .

Well, after a crapy weekend and having a sorrowful heart I really don't know what I am going to write. Last Saturday, I wanted to go up to Camp Glenwood with the stake Relief Society so that I could get some companionship from the women, get out of the house, and be lifted by the spirit in the classes that were taught. I wanted to really bad and I even had talked Mom and Joie into going with me. Only, I woke up on Saturday and could hardly breath I was in so much pain which I calmed myself down so I could, but then I realized that I couldn't go in the shape I was in so I started to cry because I am so frustrated on missing out on things because of stupid, good for nothing cancer, that, in my case, will never go away!!! So right now I just feel like doing more chemo is just prolonging my life for crappy days like this weekend: full of pain, full of not caring, full of frustration, and full of nothing! It is crappy!

I have not felt great since then (as you can tell) and haven't been able to focus on anything, but sleeping and I've become and expert in wasting time on the computer! Therefore I don't care about school because I don't feel well, I don't care that I am behind in school because I don't feel well, and I am frustrated that I DON'T CARE!!! I want to care about something because it is when you care about something that you find yourself enjoying life and actually living life. With my not caring, I have turned to World of Warcraft (because it doesn't hurt to play or do) which is a waste of time when other things can be getting done.

I need to remember the fun things that my family has planned though. I do look forward to that. I just wish it were sooner. . . or something. . . like maybe I felt great and there was no chance that I would be feeling crappy! Which will never happen. Sigh. I need to pull myself together though because I have eight pages to write for my Criminal Justice class and impossible research to do for it.