Services for Jenna Lee...

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 – July 14, 2010

Jenna Lee Walker passed away July 14, 2010 at her home in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho. She had been diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma in March of 2006. Jenna was born August 23, 1985 in Bountiful, Utah to Robert Levi and Linda Lee Hale Walker. She graduated with High Honors from Horseshoe Bend High School as Salutatorian, Class of 2003. She was a member of the National Honor Society and recognized as an All-American Scholar by the United States Achievement Academy. Jenna also enjoyed playing on the school basketball and softball teams. She continued her education at Brigham Young University and at Boise State University where she was inducted into The National Society of Collegiate Scholars.

Jenna loved learning about the people, places and animals of the Earth. She was a person who loved God, her family, and always desired to serve others. Despite her pain and hardship, Jenna was always an example of love, patience, humility, and faith to all that were blessed to know her.

Jenna is survived by her parents Robert and Linda, sisters Nikki and Joie, and brothers Jerrod, Jon, and Jordan. Viewings will be held July 21 from 6:00-8:00 pm and July 22 from 1:30-3:00 pm. A funeral service will be held July 22 at 3:00 pm. The viewings and the funeral service will be held at the Horseshoe Bend LDS Chapel (447 Highway 52, Horseshoe Bend, Idaho). A graveside service will be held at 2:00 pm July 23 at the Neeley Idaho Cemetery (3251 Eagle Rock Road, Neeley, Idaho).

It was Jenna’s wishes that those desiring to send flowers send a contribution to Primary Children’s Medical Center instead. Donations in Jenna’s name may be sent to: Ewing’s Research, c/o Center for Children’s Cancer Research, Huntsman Cancer Institute, 2000 Circle of Hope Drive, Salt Lake City, UT 84112 – 5550, ATTN: Stephan L. Lessnick, M.D., Ph.D.

Jenna Lee Returned to her Heavenly Father...

Jenna Lee Walker

August 23, 1985 - July 14, 2010

Jenna returned home to her Heavenly Father Wednesday, July 14th at 9:36 pm. After her four year battle with Ewing's Sarcoma, a bone or soft tissue cancer, she was finally released from her earthy body.

We are still planning all of the funeral arrangements, but we will post them as soon as everything is finalized. We know that the Funeral will be Thursday, July 22, in Horseshoe Bend, Idaho.

We are grateful for all of the prayers that have been said on Jenna's behalf, and we are grateful for the prayers that are being said for our family and those who love her. We are feeling the comforting powers of the Spirit and are so grateful for The Loving Plan of Our Father in Heaven that will allow us to dwell with her and Our Heavenly Father again.

We Love You, Jenna Lee, and we are grateful that your trials of this life are over and you are no longer suffering. Please watch over us, and visit us when we are in need of your love.

We will miss you!

Wow. What a week.

Well, we went to the ranch last week. It was so fun to have everyone there. ALL members of the Rob and Linda Walker family.......6 children, 4 spouses and 8 grandchildren! The ranch house was packed! We played horseshoes,mowed lawns,
bought a belt to fix one of the mowers, played on the swings, mowed more lawn,went to town to buy a different sized belt for the broken mower, went 4 wheeling, mowed more lawn, zipped down the zip line, trimmed edges, played cards, trimmed around buildings,returned all the belts for the mower, none would fit!...watched videos, filled the pond,took naps(me mostly),went exploring in the woods, played in the playhouse, and we did a lot of cooking, eating and cleaning! I came out of my room to eat some meals with everyone. Jon and Jerrod carried me and my wheelchair down the steps and into the "play ground" to watch when I felt well enough! Fun! Wonderful memories!

When we got home, it took me 3 days or longer to recover. During that time, Jon called me to tell me that his best friend, Will Packer passed away. I was devasted for my cousin Heidi Hale Packer. They have not been married long but had a great outlook on life and a great plan worked out for their future. Since I was on a ton of pain meds, I had not remembered Jon calling me or any of our conversation. A few days later I overheard my mom talking about it on the phone. Since I could not remember Jon's phone call it was to me like hearing it for the first time breaking my heart all over again.

I am jealous of Will being able to return Home before me! Heavenly Father must have really needed him to take him so quickly. For here I am....broken up, bruised and too often unable to do much of anything because of being in so much excruiating pain. I am ashamed of my feelings of jealousy and anger. I am also frustrated because I want to go so badly even knowing I would cause my family another funeral this summer season. I love my familiy. They mean so much to me. They have been an anchor to me, helping my testimony grow. I am thankful to know that families are forever and we will be together again.
with sincerity,and love,
jennalee

busy day but wearing out.

Wow. I am exhausted. I haven't done much, but oh well. I have two projects going and both can take up quite a bit of time. I love to do them so that is good.

I am working on more jingle boxes. It is good for me because I can see my progress and I know that the time is not wasted and is going toward a good cause.

I am also working on getting my Vancouver photos into a photo album so that others could see the fun that we had. Reminiscing over the events saved in photography brought joy and laughter to me.

I am also wanting to put my San Fransisco pictures in an album so that is probably what I am going to do next.

Nothing much is going on. I am just trying to stay busy with projects that I get satisfaction from.

The last week I had some pain in my shoulder and in my lower back. It is painful times like these where I wonder if there is anyone still praying that I will "get better soon". I prayerfully ask that they wouldn't. I am so exhausted and my body is all beaten up. I am sorry if I offend or disappoint anyone by that request. I cannot continue to being so run down, exhausted and in pain for much longer. I hope that there is a time soon coming that I will no more continue to be among you. I love you, but please let me go.

IT IS SNOWING!!!!

Okay, I know it has been a while since I last blogged, but this is too cool to share! I can't believe we are having snow in LATE MAY!!!! I tried to post a picture but it didn't work.

Well, don't get you hopes up. I will try to write more often than I have been. I try to remind myself that this is a good form of therapy, but when I have so many mundane days in a row I think that people don't need to hear the same thing over and over again. But I promise I will do better. more than a couple of times a month anyways.

I am now living on the main floor of the house in what was the "guest bedroom". Mom, has worked her hardest to make it feel like my room and brought things down from my room. For example, she brought down a couple of framed pieces and hung them up and also a bulletin board,a couple of pieces of furniture, my TV, and my comfy recliner. Her and Dad also cleaned out the closet so that I have a place to put my clothes. I appreciate all of their hard work. The room is maybe a quarter the size of my old one, but I never used up all the space that I had, so it feels good to downsize.

I moved to the main floor because I am now totally dependant on my mom and dad for everything, i.e. going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting out of bed, changing my clothes and many other every day movements, for example I need them to come and get things for me that are not in my immediate area, which must be a little aggravating for them. I believe they are sick of the phrase, "Can you come here for a minute?" lol. I have a table by my bed that has a few things on it like a clock, lamp, radio, and place to put a glass of water. I really need to engineer a new table with shelves so that I can reach more things.

Soon after I lost my legs I sat in my recliner for too long and ended up getting a pressure sore caused by not shifting or moving for a long period of time. Also, I have a tumor right under the skin that is rapidly growing and expanding into any facet of my lower back. Not moving and the tumor getting bigger created a "Perfect Storm" (so to speak), so I ended up with a five inch pothole with tunnels growing just below my skin. It is pretty gross and it has, and will take, a long time to heal and I am not sure it will totally heal up. My nurses up here said that they don't see very many pressure sores and the few that see saw never healed completely up.

It is because of this misery that I have to be turned every two hours morning, afternoon and night. Also, I am afraid to be up and around in my wheel chair for very long in fear that the wound would get worse. Over the last month or so it has started to heal and I hope that it continues to do so.

In the meantime I have taken up making "jingle boxes." They are plastic square panels stiched together. Each side is stiched in a different color, e.g. red, orange, blue, etc. Within the box is two jingle bells. These "jingle boxes" are eventually shipped by the church's Humanitarian Center to kids that have very little. It serves as a rattle and is also used to teach them colors. It makes me feel good because I can see the progress that I am making and I am doing service to those that are in need. I don't know who it is recieved by, but I hope that it is put to good use. :)

This last week Jerrod was able to come up and spend some time with me. We just hung out together. I taught him how to make a jingle box. When he left he took some supplies to teach Anna how to make them. :) We then put together a puzzle of Vancouver. It was so much fun to put it together because some of the places that we went to were on the puzzle. lol It also motivated me to get my pictures of Vancouver printed off and put together an album. I am really excited to do that. I have my picture printed. Now all I have to do is put the album together. It touches my heart that he is putting a lot of effort to come and hang out with me. I am so thankful for that. I am able to make even more memories that stand out and gets me out of my mundane schedule. We always have fun together.

I know that if my other brothers and sisters could do that I know that they would. Things are pretty tight right now and I get that. I love them all so much. I don't love one more that the other. I just love them for different things. :) I love my mom and dad too. lol.

I love you all.

Jenna Lee

Bad Day...but there is a hero...

Today has been a difficult day for Our Jenna Lee. She had a rough night last night. She had a big day yesterday, and she has had an increase in her pain since. She has no feeling in her legs, and as of today, she can't move her left leg. She can still maneuver her right leg, but the mental impact of not being able to move her left leg has left her worn out today. It is emotionally crippling as well as physically.

But Luna has been by her side all day. I walked into Jenna's room this morning and I pushed Luna off the bed so that I could have a place to sit. She curled herself up into the closet. But the funny thing is that, you can see how she had to struggle to get her big body into the small space in the closet. Then, Luna just hung out there until she decided she was hungry.

Then, she ended up with Jenna. Jenna has been sleeping a lot today, but she has been trying her hardest to get around. She decided that she needed some "exercise" so she wheeled herself around the kitchen. It was really cute to see her go find mom in the laundry room. She has a great relationship with mom, and mom helps her to calm down, and mom listens to her. It is really amazing to watch.

Mom asked me to take this picture. It is just a small measure of the comfort that Luna is able to offer to Jenna. There is nothing better than an animal that understands what you need, and is there for you, no matter what. We are grateful that Jenna has her Luna. She has done a lot for Jenna's comfort and healing.

The Blessings we have...

Happy Day!!! We are all so happy to be together...

These top pictures were from yesterday. We set up the card table in Jenna's room, and we all hung out there all day. We were able to get some craft projects done for my mom and Joie was even able to do her homework. We were pretty efficient for the 4 of us.

Jenna actually ventured away from home today. She decided that she wanted to go to church. Yeah for Jenna Lee. She was the first one up this morning, and sadly the last one ready for Church. That was a new experience for our little Jenna Lee. She was a little discouraged by the fact that both her older sister and her younger sister beat her getting ready, THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!! When I came downstairs this morning, Dad had gotten Jenna breakfast, and pushed her up to the sink to brush her teeth. Much easier that maneuvering her giant wheelchair into the bathroom. I took over the rest of getting Jenna ready. I helped her get dressed, and do her hair, and we luckily remembered to put one some basics like deodorant. Hahaha! Remembering the basics for someone else is a little more difficult than it is for just myself.

Everyone at the Horseshoe Bend Branch is so wonderful. There were tears in peoples eyes as I pushed Jenna's wheelchair into sacrament meeting. They were so excited to see her come to church. She hasn't been to church for quite some time. We were received with peace and warmth. The people up here love Jenna so much and are so grateful for her example. She is really inspiring to a lot of people, not just me.

rc.

This was Jenna's first car ride since she came home from Utah in January. She was really excited to go to church.

But Church really tuckered her out. She froze to death. We had to send Joie home to get her a pair of socks, and Dad had to go out to the car to get the BYU blanket from the trunk. We spent a lot of time getting her comfortable in her wheel chair. Sitting in one place for too long is really painful for her, and since she can't just stand up and move around, we all had to help her with that.

Joie had to leave today at 2:30pm. It was really hard to say goodbye to her. We have so much fun when we are together. Joie brings excitement and light heartedness with her every where she goes. She is such a joy to have around. She will be home from school for a couple of weeks in April. Then she will be heading back out to BYU-I.

A Sisterly Smooch!!! We are so blessed to have sisters. For anyone who does not have the blessing of sisters, I am so sorry. There is such a comfort that sisters bring. There is such a joy that is felt when we are all together. It would have been so great if our other sisters, Erika, Brittany, and the newest sister, Krista could have joined us this weekend. They were missed and loved. We are so grateful for them, and their willingness to love our brothers, cause heaven knows, we struggled with that growing up. :) I guess it is easier to love those boys now!!! We have so many things to be grateful for...sisters, brothers, spouses, kids, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...I find myself excited for eternal life, where we can all be together and know that the struggles of this life were not only worth it, but over. I am excited to see everyone there.

We were laughing about Joie's bangs and how it looks like they are attacking Jenna's head. AUGHHHHHHH!!! Watch out for the BANGS!!!!

Oh, Joie!!! I already miss you!!!!!

Jenna froze her toes off today!!!! Jenna's pain has been really well controlled by medicine, however, the theory on her pain easing is this...There is a visible tumor on Jenna's lower back. The last time my family and I were here, Jenna was in unbearable pain. She has been totally different on this trip, and we think that the tumor in her lower back has essentially attacked the nerves in the area. She is totally unable to walk. She has no feeling in her legs and feet, unless she gets too cold, then she only feels tingling. She has started to feel pain again tonight. It is so hard to watch her as her eyes fill up with tears. She just closes her eyes, and grimaces and you know, that she is feeling some pain. She tries so hard to not let it bother her, but it is just too much. Mom increased Jenna's morphine again tonight. It has been a while since she has had to do that. It is hard on Jenna.

Tonight, she asked mom how long Grandpa Hale was in a wheel chair before he passed away. I think Jenna was trying to get some sort of idea or an estimate on how much time she had left. Mom gently explained to her that Grandpa's cancer was so very different from hers, and comparing their illnesses would be in vane. Jenna, had tears in her eyes when mom finished. She just wants to have a little understanding of how much longer she will have to suffer. My heart ached for her. She has endured for so long and asking her to keep going seems like torture. But I know, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a time table for her. He is just not randomly keeping her here to suffer. There are things that need to be learned, not only by her, but by those around her. Her tasks are not completed, but He is aware of her, and her suffering, and He is reaching His merciful arms out to her daily. She feels His comforting embrace, and she is strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and the prayers, faith and love of those who are learning from her.

Jenna, your patience marvels me!!! What a blessing it is to be your big sister. I know that this life hasn't been easy for you, and I know without a doubt that it sure doesn't seam fair, but I learned this today in Sunday School...

Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Life is Fair.

Our experiences on Earth are so different, but when we all do what we can, the Savior makes up the rest, and that is what makes life fair. He offers His Sacrifice to everyone, not just a chosen few. His arms of mercy are extended to you, and to me, and I will feel blessed to be able to see you wrapped in His Arms when this earthly experience is completed.

I Love You!!!!

Getting to Jenna!!!

I left Casa Grande at 2:45 pm. I arrived in Horseshoe Bend at 4:15 am. What an incredible journey. I had plenty of time to spare in the Phoenix airport, I spent that time talking on the phone and reading my book. I really enjoyed my flight to SLC. When we landed in SLC I was a little nervous because I had only 25 minutes to catch the connecting flight to Boise. Myself, and a few of the other passengers around me, who were also headed to Boise, headed straight for the departure screens in the terminal. The 577 flight to Boise wasn't even posted. We all headed over to Customer Service where we were told that the 577 flight was still in Tulsa, Oklahoma. WHAT??? Yep, and it still had to stop in Denver, Colorado. They actually changed the airplane in Oklahoma after spending 4 hours trying to fix it. Then the got to Denver, and they had to de-ice the plane. Then, Southwest finally decided to just trade the planes out for a warm fresh plane that had just landed. No de-icing necessary. Then they were off. Flight 577 finally landed in SLC at 12:20 am. Slightly later than the scheduled 8:10 pm arrival. Anyway, I was all out of reading energy by the time we got on the plane headed for Boise, so I stretched out across a whole bench and fell asleep until the plane landed. Below are some pictures of my time in SLC.

A riding Vacuum... who'da Thunk? I was laughing because I WANT ONE!!!! Not that I have a ton of carpet to vacuum, I really don't, I just thought that it would be cool. I am almost certain that the man I was taking a picture of was slightly concerned about the CRAZY woman taking a picture. I was smiling as I walked away from him, hoping he wasn't concerned about INS.
The poor people waiting for flight 577. There were many more wandering the hospital, walking back and forth to different areas looking for food, and coffee.

Once we landed in Boise, I shook the cobwebs from my brain, and called Joie and dad who were patiently waiting for me. I lugged my suitcase off the baggage claim turntable, and headed out into the cold of the night. It is freakin' cold in Idaho. My blood isn't thick enough to handle the 30 degree nights here.

We headed to the Horseshoe Bend Homestead. We walked into the house, Dad pulling my green suitcase behind him. We stopped in the Guest Room, now Jenna's room. Complete with hospital bed and her fabulous t.v. Mom and Dad and one of their neighbors rearranged the house to accommodate the new living arrangement. Jenna was sleeping, but her t.v. was on, so Dad walked into her room, took off her glasses, took the remote, and kissed her head as he turned off the t.v. She opened her eyes, and said, Hi daddy. He said, "Night Jen." I said, "Hi sis." and her eyes opened a little bit more. She smile, and said, "Hi, Gikkers." I told her that I planned on spending alot of time sitting in that comfy reclining chair in her room. and Joie, well, Joie could just sit on the floor. Jenna laughed and said, "no, she can have the commode." We were laughing way to hard for 4:30 in the morning.

I have spent the morning with Jenna. She is currently in the comfy recliner and I in her hospital bed. She is taking a little nap. She looks good, and seams to be in good spirits. She can't walk. He legs give up on her, so Dad has to pick her up and move her from one place to another. They do a little dance to get Jenna's feet to shuffle where they need to be. Jenna is still eating, and she even gets Dad to put her in the wheel chair and roll her up to the table so we could have lunch together. Jenna has a wicked sense of humor. She always has fun things to say. Joie, mom and I were talking, and mom fell behind the conversation. When we caught mom up to speed, she said, "sorry, I have a little lag in my brain." I said, "you, I am the one who changed time-zones." and Jenna said, "Yep, she has Jenna Lag." I guess mom has gotten use to Jenna's morphine induced speed of SLOW!!! Us girls are having a lot of fun. I am so grateful I am able to be here and spend some time with my little sister.

I will keep posting, and keep everyone up to date on Jenna's condition.

The Last Couple of Days: Short Report

For some unknown reason yesterday was one of those thought provoking, philosophical days where all I want to do is talk and cry. I was a social butterfly on the phone today. Calling one person after another. I struggle through days like this because my thoughts bring me down and I find myself on a dark pinnacle and any movement could knock me off to the deep abyss below. On all sides I feel fatigued and defeated to the very last ounce of energy in my soul on all sides, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. And it is so unfair because on days like this all I want to do is cry with soul retching sobs and huge elephant tears that fall almost uncontrollably. I say this is unfair because when I cry, I hurt. The tumors that are ravaging my body to pieces are in places that all the energy that comes because of the sobs is transferred to shaking my body, mostly my lower back. It is an unfair cycle that never ends.

On these days, I can readily find the fatigue that has piled up over these last four years. I find that everyone has moved on in some way or other and find that I just seem to be moving ever more moving backward. For example, I am totally dependant at an age where I should be experiencing the wonders and tragedies that come from independence. It is frustrating, depressing at times.

This was yesterday. Satan had almost had me cornered, questioning what I had once had no doubt about. I couldn't believe how far I had fallen. My frustrations turned into a battle with Satan for my soul and I knew I couldn't just give up. My mom thankfully started asking me questions. At each question I heard two voices inside my head.

I could hear the devil laughing, cheering, yelling at me. Yelling, "YES!! WHAT YOU HAVE BELIEVED IN FOR SO LONG IS NO MORE! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN WITH NO ONE TO AID! SAY IT! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE!!!!"

Somewhere in the background is where I found the small quiet voice of my testimony and of the Holy Ghost. Both whispering those truths that had been strong through out my whole lifetime. It was these small voices that I devastating clawed after in the corners of my mind. It was very interesting, I find now and not at the time, that the Holy Ghost never left me. The Holy Ghost used its small calming voice that I so needed at the time.

In the midst of all this chaos in my head, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. It wasn't until after this blessing that I was able to calm myself and then, combined with the inspired questions my mom softly asked me, I began to hear the soft, gentle words. Words of my own testimony. It was as if the Holy Ghost was bearing my own testimony to me. Looking back it was truly a blessed and sacred moment that I feel compelled to share with all of you.

Sorry for the deafening silence over these last couple of months, but I don't even remember almost a month and a half anyway. So you are caught up with me now. lol Today I feel better. Still stiff. And my body feels medicated, which it totally is. We bombarded it with a huge arsenal of drugs to help with pain and to settle my body and mind. That is how things are now. I am on the homestretch of the pain cycle I have. I have had a night of horrid pain, physical, emotional, and mental. Now I am coming up to the top of the circle to hopefully have a few days of rest.

Pray please, everyone. I know that the power of prayer works and that a miracle occurred last night. I was given help to defeat my biggest challenger. This battle was won. But the war is not over yet.

Pictures from our February Trip

Visit to Idaho...

Jerm, the kids and I just returned home from a visit to the grand ol' Horseshoe Bend. We had a great time. It was really nice to see home, my parents, and of course...Jenna Lee. Joie Kaye came home for the long weekend. Jordan and his sweet fiancee, Krista, surprised us as well. After begging them both, I guess they caved, but didn't share that tidbit of information with us. We were so excited to see everyone. Jerm finally got to meet the newby in the family. WE ALL LOVE KRISTA!!!!

Mom is holding up well. I don't know if she has ever been so grateful for her nursing background. She totally understands Jenna, and is ever so patient with her. I found myself watching mom frequently, thinking, "you are doing this with such grace, and patience. You are an amazing mom." I don't know if I could do everything that my mom is doing and still have a smile on my face. But she does, and my kids had so much fun running up to her and giving her kisses. Dani would go looking for Grandma first thing every morning. Grandma always had a hug and a smile for the kids. It was good to see my mom, hug her, and learn from her faith.

Dad is a poster board for the perfect everything. He is cooking, and taking care of everything. He woke up and asked the kids what they wanted for breakfast. My kids said blueberry pancakes. So what did Grandpa do? Went out to the freezers (cause there is four) and dug around til he found a bag of frozen blueberries. Guess who was the new hero? J.J. had blueberry pancakes almost every morning, all because of a sweet grandpa who wanted his grandkids to be happy. Dad is great!!! There is no other way to describe Dad, other than, he is great!!! I have found such strength from watching my parents. They have taught me so much, and I feel so blessed to have learned from their examples.

Now, for Jenna...She spends alot of time sleeping and trying to get comfortable. There were times that just getting to the point where she could sit down in her Lazy-boy recliner was too painful, and getting into her bed was excruciating. Watching the whole process and knowing what is eventually going to happen became more real to me this last week. We had some quality moments with Jenna. She spends a lot of her time confused, and hallucinaing. My mom and her play the balancing game with her pain meds to keep her comfortable but lucid. It is beyond difficult. Jenna is full of faith, and doing her best to perservere. She has been a hero to us all. Jerm shared an experience with me...while they were talking, Jenna kinda disengages from the conversation, she either closes her eyes or they get vacant, anyway, she closed her eyes, and Jerm waited patiently for her to come back. When she did, she said, "that was weird. I was taking orders at some diner, and someone across the street needed help. So I changed into my superhero clothes and went and saved everyone across the street. Cool Huh?" Both Jerm and I found that "moment" to be "cool" too. Jenna is doing well for the time being. I promise to keep everyone updated, as best as I can. Please feel free to contact me if you want more details. We love you all, and we are so grateful for all your prayers on our behalf. We Love You!!!!

Is It Bad When All My Body Wants To Do Is Sleep?

Well. I think more than a few people would be fine with that problem, at least for a couple of days anyway. For the last three or four days sleeping is all my body wants to do and, frankly, I am getting sick of it. It is frustrating because everytime I blink it takes a while for my eyes to open and then to refocus. I was talking to my mom today and she said she has watched me while we have talked and has noticed my latest problem of keeping my eyes open. I think she finds it kinda funny. :( Which I guess it is if you are not me. :)

I am frustrated about it though because it takes forever for me to do anything because I am falling asleep all the time! At first I thought I was tired all the time because I was going to bed late and waking up later with just a little effect from the morphine. So last night, I went to bed earlier than I have been and got up way earlier than I have been to see if that would help. I do have to admit that I felt a little better throughout the day, but I still had the problem of falling asleep and things taking four times as long to complete.

When Dad called to say he was on his way home he asked what I had done today. I had very little to report. It was really sad and very dissapointing for me. I have a list of somethings to do and everytime I go to work on one of them, I fall asleep within a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how infuriating that can be. Especially when it happens time after time after time.

Through talking to my mom we have decided that it is purely morphine's fault that I am tired all the time. :( hmm. Why is it that the things that help us the most have to have to many bad and frustrating side effects to them? I wonder if that statement only pertains to things that are man made? hmm.

Other than my body wanting to sleep all the time I am doing very well. I don't hurt very much, thanks to the constant drip of morphine into my arm. So, I guess I am great. Lol. Until you consider the insane conflicting feelings of slight annoyance at the side effects of the morphine and grattitude for its numbing affects on my severe pain. Interesting, huh? Lol. :)

A New Chapter It Seems

Today I left the hospital with the feelings of it being my last visit to Primary Children's Medical Center and the crushing weight of the reality of my too-soon-to-come death.

While at the hospital this week, I met with a hospice company that will be taking care of me and my family for the rest of my days here on Earth. I think that is what made the words "terminal cancer" hit closer to home. It had never bothered me much before, but now I have the overwhelming humanistic feeling that I am going to miss my family. I believe that I will see them again and even be around them until their time comes to move on. But I cannot feel the enveloping sadness that I won't be able to converse with them, tell them I love them, or complain about everyday maddening things.

I will pull through somehow, but for right now, as I left the hospital, I felt the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of another one. The closing of the middle of my life and the opening of the beginning of the end. Like I said, I will pull through, just like we all do in times of strife. Yet for now, it is saddening for me.

Heading Home...

Hey Everyone~

Here is a little update...Jenna was released from the Hospital today. She is staying with Aunt Shawna in Centerville, until her flight leaves on Friday. Yeah, Jenna!!! We are so glad that you are going home, and it sounds like you will have a bunch of visitors up in Horseshoe Bend.

TAKING OVER!!!!

This is Nikki, I am doing my best to update people on Jenna's life, without taking over Jenna's blog. She has allowed me access to her blog to keep everyone updated, but I have also been given instructions as well. I know that when I call I am concerned I might interupt some precious moments of sleep, or something else, so I can imagine how others feel. I will do my best to keep everyone updated and informed on her condition and how she is feeling. Jenna has good news, she is no longer hearing music. We have no idea where this music came from, but she was definatly hearing it. It ranged from Sambas, and other Latin Music, to songs she actually recognized. But it is now gone!!!! Yeah for Jenna!!!!

Jenna spent some time talking with a few doctors that she didn't appreciate. She has a few pointers for the future doctors that are reading this blog. #1. Ask the question you want answered, but if I happen to expand on the answer, don't stick your hand in my face. #2 Don't leave after asking a question without giving me time to give you an answer.

Jenna has really appreciated people stopping by and visiting with her. She says she never has a dull moment in the evenings. Everyone is so wonderful!!! Jenna wants to appoligize, if you showed up on Thursday...she was slightly out of it due to being over-medicated on morphine. I told her that I wish that I was invited to that party!!!!

Jenna and Mom are hoping that they are able to be released from the hospital and return home to Horseshoe Bend on Tuesday. Everyone keep your fingers crossed and Jenna in your prayers.