The Last Couple of Days: Short Report

For some unknown reason yesterday was one of those thought provoking, philosophical days where all I want to do is talk and cry. I was a social butterfly on the phone today. Calling one person after another. I struggle through days like this because my thoughts bring me down and I find myself on a dark pinnacle and any movement could knock me off to the deep abyss below. On all sides I feel fatigued and defeated to the very last ounce of energy in my soul on all sides, be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. And it is so unfair because on days like this all I want to do is cry with soul retching sobs and huge elephant tears that fall almost uncontrollably. I say this is unfair because when I cry, I hurt. The tumors that are ravaging my body to pieces are in places that all the energy that comes because of the sobs is transferred to shaking my body, mostly my lower back. It is an unfair cycle that never ends.

On these days, I can readily find the fatigue that has piled up over these last four years. I find that everyone has moved on in some way or other and find that I just seem to be moving ever more moving backward. For example, I am totally dependant at an age where I should be experiencing the wonders and tragedies that come from independence. It is frustrating, depressing at times.

This was yesterday. Satan had almost had me cornered, questioning what I had once had no doubt about. I couldn't believe how far I had fallen. My frustrations turned into a battle with Satan for my soul and I knew I couldn't just give up. My mom thankfully started asking me questions. At each question I heard two voices inside my head.

I could hear the devil laughing, cheering, yelling at me. Yelling, "YES!! WHAT YOU HAVE BELIEVED IN FOR SO LONG IS NO MORE! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN WITH NO ONE TO AID! SAY IT! YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE!!!!"

Somewhere in the background is where I found the small quiet voice of my testimony and of the Holy Ghost. Both whispering those truths that had been strong through out my whole lifetime. It was these small voices that I devastating clawed after in the corners of my mind. It was very interesting, I find now and not at the time, that the Holy Ghost never left me. The Holy Ghost used its small calming voice that I so needed at the time.

In the midst of all this chaos in my head, I asked my dad to give me a Priesthood blessing. It wasn't until after this blessing that I was able to calm myself and then, combined with the inspired questions my mom softly asked me, I began to hear the soft, gentle words. Words of my own testimony. It was as if the Holy Ghost was bearing my own testimony to me. Looking back it was truly a blessed and sacred moment that I feel compelled to share with all of you.

Sorry for the deafening silence over these last couple of months, but I don't even remember almost a month and a half anyway. So you are caught up with me now. lol Today I feel better. Still stiff. And my body feels medicated, which it totally is. We bombarded it with a huge arsenal of drugs to help with pain and to settle my body and mind. That is how things are now. I am on the homestretch of the pain cycle I have. I have had a night of horrid pain, physical, emotional, and mental. Now I am coming up to the top of the circle to hopefully have a few days of rest.

Pray please, everyone. I know that the power of prayer works and that a miracle occurred last night. I was given help to defeat my biggest challenger. This battle was won. But the war is not over yet.