Nothing New to Report

Nothing new, but I figured I should write anyway. This is supposed to be insightful, but it can't be if I edit what I write and only write when I feel good or there is something to write about. I am just going to throw out what ever is going through my head at the moment so this might get a little crazy and I am probably going to regret saying something, but oh well, insight is what I'm going for right?

So right now I am listening to a song by Yanni, trying to take my mind off of my lower back hurting. It has hurt almost all day today, but it got worse around ten o'clock or so. I took five mg of oxycodone which dulled the pain, but it isn't gone. I am tempted to go take some more, but I would rather avoid pills like i would the plague. I am starting to like the affects of the medicine too much. I am still playing things smart and only taking them when i really need to though. I don't want anyone freaking out on me ok?

I got blood, red blood cells, yesterday, so I have been looking forward to the perkiness that I usually get afterward. Unfortunately, when I address one problem, my body comes up with another. It has been hurting ever since yesterday morning so I have needed to drug myself with oxycodone. Therefore I am not feeling the perk because i am drugged or hurting. What I really want to do is get out of the house and do something. I don't have any money to do something so that limits my options quite a bit. I am saving up money so I can pay some bills and still have money to go and have fun in Vancouver. I have done what I have gotten angry at others over. I was just as dumb and haven't been saving up for activities to do in Vancouver. I just didn't expect some of the bills that I have, but. . . lol. . .isn't that how it goes for everyone? You go along thinking everything is fine and then . . .wait a minute. . .it isn't! Something you either didn't expect or just didn't take care of sneaks up and it feels like it has you trapped in a corner with no where to go. Hmm. Sound a lot like my last three and a half years.

Three and a half years. I can't believe I have been doing nothing for three and a half years. Well, all the cancer crap I've been doing, sure, but. . .that has not been very progressive. . . not progressive. . .but. . .I can't think of the word. I haven't done anything to help myself be more sustaining or anything. My body has limited what i can do. I hate it. I have found myself identifying me as two entities, if you wish. There is me, Jenna. And then there is my Body. I don't trust my body any further than I can throw it. Which I can barely lift a 20 lb chair, so I'm thinking I won't be able to budge my 149 lb body. I am just so frustrated with my body right now. I'm getting sick an tired of being held back and being afraid to do something because after i do anything active I know my body will be screaming at me for the next couple of days to a week. Things are getting a little lonely. Loneliness and frustration are not a good combination. I have caught myself wishing that the ball would get rolling downhill already. I'm getting very sick and tired of it all. I don't have the energy to do anything, I don't have the resources to do anything. so i am stuck at home. Twiddling my thumbs trying to come up with something to do.

Honestly, I think things only seem bad right now, because I had a fun night last night so I went from a high and feeling somewhat like an average girl in her twenties, to my ever present happiness-sucking cancer life; still stuck doing the same things over and over and over again and I'm sick of the same things. Today for example, I woke up, read Twilight for a while before my body started to ache more than i could put up with. so i got up, took some Tylenol, ate some chex, slowly. I had to take a book i had sold on amazon.com to the post office so I got ready in five minutes (even though I don't have that much to do I feel even more bummish if I waste my time more that i already am) and went. I was sick and tired of being in the house and thought that if I moved around more I wouldn't hurt so much. So when I got back, I walked around the house three or four times with Jasper. It was fun, slow, and time consuming, which I liked. Unfortunately, after two laps my hip started to hurt. I made one or two more laps just because I could and I really wanted to do something other than play World of Warcraft or dink around on the computer for another 17 or whatever hours. Jasper had left his ball in the garage so I went to get it and ended up throwing the little tennis ball against the closed garage for twenty or thirty minutes until I was really tired and hurting more. What can I say, I was desperate for something different. When I came inside, I was looking around my room for something to do and my caught a project that I had stopped long ago. Aunt Debbie, when i lived in Utah and going through cancer crap, came and dropped off materials for making "jiggle boxes" as she called them. She made them to put into boxes being shipped out to places by the church. They work as rattles for babies and then as the kid grows up it can help them learn their colors. Anyway, I still have all those materials and today I figured, well that it was something different. I put in a movie, sat in my recliner and worked on putting together some boxes. All in all, it was a very boring day.

My dad wonders why I like to sleep late in the day. It is so that I don't have to come up with stupid things to do to keep me preoccupied while I wait for the inevitable. It all makes me so frustrated. I wish I could spend my time doing something worthwhile. Not just wasting away wishing the end would come quicker. I feel like it is such a waste! Not only that, but by just sitting here wishing for the end, I am letting not only myself down, but Heavenly Father too. I feel like such a disappointment. I could have been great. I could have done so much in this life if I hadn't gotten sick. Now I feel like I could still be great and should, but I am so tired, so afraid, and so alone that I don't know what to do with myself except for . . . well, let people down. That is really what I do best.

k. I am going to stop my mind wandering there. It isn't healthy to just let my mind rampage as you just saw. So. . . top problems I have besides my happiness-sucking cancer, I would say, are boredom, loneliness, and boredom. I have other worries, but . . .well. . . who doesn't. :) Good night.