Extremely Odd Hour For a Post LOL

Yes it is not my normal time, but I am taking advantage of feeling good while I feel good. :)

Yesterday was almost a breaking point. I was so sick and tired of hurting that I didn't even take pain pills in the morning when I got up and just decided to hurt. My brain did a pretty good job at suppressing the pain, but when ever one of the nurses at MSTI asked how I was I just said I wasn't answering that question. I got a lot of sad looks from people.

Then Nick, one of the nurses came, sat down, and talked to me about what was going on. The tears I had been holding back just spilled over. I couldn't contain them anymore. I was so frustrated with my body. It can't fight like it used to. I feel like it has given up and when it hurts the most is when it drags me down to it's level and I start really feeling like I want to give up, call it quits. It is demoralizing. I don't like feeling that way and it aggravates me to do so. And then it aggravates me more because I don't have anyone around me that I can just cry into their shoulder and be comforted. When I start crying around here whoever is in sight starts crying and that just ruins the cry. :) I feel like I have to buck up and be strong for them so I never get a good cry unless I am alone and can't hurt anyone with my tears. That is why I am lonely. There are plenty of people to share my grief with, but I don't want to wallow. I want to be comforted and strengthened. That doesn't happen very often and when it does I can't get enough of it.

Sheesh. This is supposed to be an uplifting post. So much for that. :(

I want to thank Heavenly Father for my good days. I wish there were more and I think he does too. I am thankful that I have a day where I don't hurt, I want to go do something, I have things to do, and I have a good attitude. Not everything is perfect, but it is good and that is all that it needs to be for me now days.

I also want to thank those that offer their shoulders to cry on. I know it isn't easy for anyone to be around me especially during the bad times. I am thankful still and wish I could break down without caring, include more people into my grief zone (that sounds horrible, but I try to keep people out of that because it is horrible) and let more people buoy me up. God knows I could use it.