I Wish This Was My Problem. LOL :)

This picture is entitled, "Why I can't work." Like I said in my title, I wish this was my problem because it is a whole lot easier to solve. Just kick the cat off the computer. :) No, my problem, as usual, is more . . . complicated. I can't seem to focus on anything lately. I guess my brain is fried. Not that I blame it. I went three years with little or no brain exercises except for Brain Age on Nintendo DS. :( Now that I am doing back-to-back semesters, I think my hardware is crashing. :) Hopefully I can jump start my battery and be able to focus again. Soon!!!

I know when I am tired. . .

I know when I am tired when I hurt all over. My right knee, ankle, hip (at the front and in back), my head, my eyes, my lower-back, my left wrist. . . need I go on? I haven't been very good to my body lately, especially since it needs sleep to rejuvenate and heal from my activities, or lack thereofe, during the day. I have had too many two or three o'clock in the mornings followed by waking up at eight or nine o'clock. That is why I can't get mad at anyone else when I am hurting because it is partially my own fault. Sometimes I wonder if I had taken better care of my body . . . sigh. It doesn't matter now. If I sat and stewed over the "what ifs" I would be totally miserable and full of sorrow because I would start believing that I have cancer and it is my own fault. "I didn't exercise enough." "I had horrible sleeping patterns as a teenager." (not much has changed on that point) "I didn't eat healthy." The truth is that none of these things has squat to do with my cancer. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. I was just born with it and something triggered it into action. It pretty much sucks.

I am grateful, however, because I have learned so much about myself and what I really would like to do with my life. I have taken more interest in science. I now believe that if I had the time, I could do whatever I wanted in the biological sciences. That is my dream, to get enough schooling to try and help out in the fight against cancer. I want to figure out a way to eradicate it from the earth. Cancer is a horrible disease that affects everyone. It causes so much sorrow and sadly cancer goes unnoticed until a person is affected by it. Everyone thinks, "Cancer is for old people. I won't get cancer." That is what I thought anyway. And here I am . . . getting sick of hurting every night and not being able to accomplish what I wanted and hoped to do in my life.

It is amazing. I have never known what I have wanted to do with my life. Now that I know, I can't do anything about it. Now instead of going for my dream I have to settle for less. I am working on getting an Associates in General Science and it will be by and through the grace of God if I am able to do that. My advice to anyone: If you have a passion, dream, or goal for anything, don't be afraid of failing or the work that is required to achieve it. JUST GO AND DO. DON'T HESITATE. A person can only do that which they honestly try and if he/she will work hard anything is possible.

Not Much to Write Today.

I can't believe how fast time is passing and yet how slow. It is a paradox I know, but that is totally how it seems. I look back and think "Wow! That was only a couple of weeks ago?!" Then I look forward and think, "Wow! It is almost June!!"

Today was pretty much like yesterday, but I took some time to enjoy outside more today. I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but that is okay. Right now I am just thinking about today. Not tomorrow, or my test on Monday in Criminal Justice for which I am NOT ready for . . . oh, yeah. I'm not thinking about that. lol

I did however get my itinerary done for while I am in Utah next week. Tomorrow I am getting everything ready for school that I need to get done before I get back along with studying like crazy for my test. Which, for not thinking about it, it sure does show up a lot. hehe I will be prepared by Monday though. Wish me luck in all of my preparatory plans. :)

My Post For The Next 8 Weeks.

I now know when I have been doing too much homework because I never have anything to write. My brain is fried and I don't even want to think anymore. This is where I have been for the last two days!!! Today I had a melt down because I have so much to do and feel like I don't have the time for it. And I have spent so much time on one homework assignment that I feel like I haven't done anything because I am not where I feel I should be. Sigh. This is a crazy life that I am trying to lead. I cannot handle stress very well anymore, but yet I keep piling it on. I must be insane. I just need to remember to take one day at a time and if that gets too overwhelming, then take it hour by hour. I am getting better at managing my time and figuring out what I need to do when, but, man, I need a break. The next 8 or so weeks will be mighty interesting.

Nothing Much to Report Today.

Today all I did was school work. My brain actually had a meltdown after 7 hours. In fact, if anybody understands the sublevels of electrons will you call me and explain them to me? lol Well, I will try it again tomorrow. :)

Hope everyone is having a great summer and doing things like this!

P.S. Steph and Colby, I'm so sad you are moving to Houston, Texas, but good luck! You'll love it.

Memorial Day! My Favorite Holiday!!

I have finally decided on my favorite holiday. It doesn't really surprise me considering how much I love to hear about my ancestors and what they were like. This Memorial Day was fast and a little wearing on my body. Dad, Mom, Joie, and I all went to American Falls to visit the graves of Grandma and Grandpa Walker and a few Greats and Great-Greats and then stop by Grandma and Grandpa Rudds house. It is always fun. Here are just a few pictures of our trip:

We started off in Aberdeen where Grandma Mary Walker was buried by her first husband and her parents.



Next stop was to visit Aunt Eileen's grave in American Falls. This is the most beautiful Cemetery I have seen. Well, at least the one with the best view.

Then we went to Neeley Cemetery to visit the Walkers. There were five gernerations there, me, Dad, Levi Rufus (his dad), Lemuel Levi, (Dad's Grandpa), and Rufus (Dad's Great Grandpa and the first one to join the LDS Church).

We ended our trip with a stop at Grandma and Grandpa Rudd's. I love going there. Their home is so inviting and there is always something to talk about. Plus they live right on the American Falls Reservior. Beautiful views complete with waterfalls, a little bridge over a brook, and cows. lol

Joie and I wanted a better picture of the little bridge so we crossed the cattle gaurd to go around a fence. The cows ran away from us at first, but then they came jaunting up to us pretty close, too close for my comfort anyway.

I was trapped on the other side of the fence and ended up haveing to jump a fence. I haven't done that since I was about fourteen. My body could take it then. This time it was a little pathetic. Joie had to give me a piggy back ride off of the fence. The whole situation was down right hillarious and we almost fell over laughing our guts out!!

I am so thankful for my ancestors and the trials they went through and the choices they made. I am sad that I have not been able to meet them. My Great-Great-Great Grandfather gave up the love of his family here on earth for the hope of being together with them for all eternity. I have other ancestors that came to this country so that they could have a better life and give their posterity the chance to do better than they were able to. I am greatful for their example in making choices for the betterment of those to come and not those that are. I hope I can follow their example and make choices that are not better for me, but for others that I love.

Short and sweet.

I actually wrote that last post last night, but it wouldn't upload the picture so I waited to post it. Anyway, I am going to make this entry short and sweet. I am exhausted, run down, and achy.

I start off every semester telling my teachers that I am "a dedicated student to their class, but I am a terminal cancer patient without a deadline." I seem to think it is very funny and at the same time very, very true. Each teacher has told me that they are willing to do whatever they could to help me out during the semester. This semester is a little . . . special. I take careful consideration in choosing my teachers for my classes. I use a website, http://www.pickaprof.com/ to help in making my decisions. The website is a place where students can go and rate their professors and it give the percentage of A's, B's, C's, etc. There is also a feature that lets you write feed back on the professors. Anyway, in choosing my professors I used the website, but I was also drawn more to certain teachers. It turns out that when I told them that I was dying, but I don't have a timeline. . .yet. . .they both emailed me back and commended me on how I am spending my time. Here is what makes this semester special: one wrote me back and said he had a malignant brain tumor 11 years ago and the other wrote back that his wife is a four-time cancer survivor and for the last 10 years they have lived under the possible shadow of her being in the same boat that I am currently in.

When I got these emails I have broken down into tears in amazement at how He is looking out for me. I am truely blessed and now I am not so worried about my classes. It is amazing. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. I know that He is aware of each one of us and "pulls strings" to help us out in our lives before we even know that we need "strings pulled." It is remarkable to me and only strengthens my testimony that He loves each one of us. Something I was so sure of three or four years ago I can now say I have a sure knowlegde of it and I wouldn't dare to say otherwise. I am so thankful for Him and His spirit. The spirit speaks peace to my heart constantly. Everytime I quiet myself down and kick Satan out of my thoughts I can hear Him speaking peace to my heart. I know with assurity that I am where I need to be at this time, at this place, at this moment and thank the Lord, my God, for the love and peace He has given me to know that. Not only now, but in times past. May I remember those moments of peace, comfort, and love forever and ever.

Paintings:
“See!” By Grant
“Christ and Child”
By Danny Hahlbohm

Thanks Dr. Meeker for Your Words of Advice.

Dr. Meeker was the doctor that told me three years ago to take one day at a time and don't look into the future. When I did worry about what was coming then I would start to freak out, like the previous post. :) Today I am doing better. I still don't know how thing are going to work out, but I am more focused on just getting done what I can today and prioritizing my time more effectively for tomorrow. Now I am sleep deprived, exhausted, sore, and it takes me hours to get moving in the morning. :( But I am learning and trying to do things better so I can get to bed earlier. Tonight however is not one of those nights. :) Tonight, I do have a peace that is in me that I am grateful for. I am not as worried about my Chemistry class, which then floods over into not worrying about my Criminal Justice class. I now have a belief that everything will turn out as it should. YEAH!!!

For a closing note tonight I wish to talk about one thing I realized that a really missed a lot. I had the windows open in my room trying to cool it down. The wind blew in and I smelt something that reminded me of my Grandpa's Ranch in Star Valley, WY. Not only was I reminded of the physical place, but also some memories of the peace that I had once been able to find up there, and my grandmother and grandfather, and being a little kid when everything was easier and simpler. (Sigh.) I hoped that I wouldn't fall back into reality too quickly, but I did, like a brick. All I have to say is thank God for memories. They contain a sense of peace and love that we need to remember over and over and over; never forget.

What a crazy day. I didn't get anything done for either of my classes. So now I feel even further behind. This is insane and I am hoping that things get better. . .SOON!!!


I finally decided that somethings needed to be placed on the back burner until the middle of July to try and alleviate some of my irritating nervousness. Things like trying to put together a trip for my whole family and my Pioneer Cemetery Project. I really don't want to do that, but it is better to try and cut down my "To Do List" by prioritizing, than to start getting grouchy because I am stressed out beyond a rational level.


I don't even know how to explain how I feel other than I am so dissapointed that I can't keep up with everything. I just can't do everything physically. If I try I end up running around with my head cut off not know which way is up and which way is down. (Sigh.) It is so frustrating that sometimes I just want to break down into tears. Plus I am so afraid of doing more chemo because that is not going to help my situation, but only add to my problems.

I need to relax and stop saying that I am stressed and just keep trying to catch up. I also need to remember what one of my doctors told me so long ago, "Just take one day at a time."


Artwork: "Frustration" by Grady Zeeman

The Sun Smiles Upon Me Again.

I really like that phrase. Last semester, while studying Music Appreciation my class was studying Richard Wagner's first act of The Valkayrie, where Siegmund meets Sieglinde and they fall in love. Both characters have had very bad luck lately. So the first time Siegmund sees Sieglinde, he feels his burdens being lifted off of him and says, "The sun smiles upon me again." Of course refering to the beauty of Sieglinde and the power love has of making everything else seem okay.

But as I was studying this, I was having a hard time with making decisions. Something I really hate to do. Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not to do any more chemo. . .period. Not for a while, but for ever. That is a very difficult, burdensome decision to make. Everytime I thought about not doing chemo I thought to myself that I might as well sign my death certificate, grab a shovel, and dig a hole 4 feet by 6 feet and dig 1 foot for every month I am still here. Depressing I know. But everytime I thought about doing chemo I would cry. Chemo does more damage than just physical damage. I really didn't know that until my last hospital admission. There I had way too much time to think, watch t.v., and be miserable because my nose was still bleeding after almost 20 hours. I was miserable because of the nosebleed, I didn't see a reason for me to still be in the hospital after I hadn't been bleeding for 24 hours, I didn't have anyone there to make me laugh or even to talk to, and I was still in school, knowing that I was getting further and further behind each day. Which was very heartbreaking for me because I love school and I really want to do well in my classes and this was keeping me from doing that. After all that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to do chemo again. . . ever.

Anyway it was during this period of frustration, exhaustion, and pure mental chaos and hell that I read that sentence, "The sun smiles upon me again." After I read that I felt just as Siegmund did, a burden coming off of my shoulders and I was able to relax a little more. This was so because of the substitution that I made in the sentence: The Son smiles upon me again." I was reminded that my savior is alway there for me and while I may not know what is coming next and don't want to have to decide what is coming up next, everything will some how turn out okay. That has been the constant message to me these past years: some how everything is as it should be. I am eternally greatful for that and for my Savior who is always standing by me and helps pick me up after I have tripped myself up or just don't have the strength to stand alone anymore. Thank you. Thank you so much!!

This thought came because today I was in less pain than yesterday!! Therfore I was able to be more alert because of no pain meds. It was a much better day. The Son Smiles Upon me is now the sentence that will always bring me comfort and a smile to my face. :)

One Rough Day.

Today was one of those days that I probably should have slept through and could easily have done so. I woke up in pain today and had to deal with it most of the day. The pain is in my right hip where I have three tumors (I think there's three, anyway) and down the rest of my leg to my ankle. So I took pain medication which made me want to sleep, but I am doing online classes and I am way behind already after three days. And the pain med made me nauseated so I took some antinausea medicine. It was crazy! I was either fighting off pain (until the meds kicked in) or fighting sleep (so I could read for class). Now that I look back on my day I really wish that I had just slept through it. I didn't get a whole lot done and I feel horrible now, like I'm "hung over" or something. I don't know how to end this entry except for a prayer that tomorrow will be better. I have too many good things to do to be dealing with crap! Wish me luck and keep the prayers coming. They are appreciated and felt.

jenna lee

A Stressful Day.

Okay, so, one thing chemo and cancer has affected is my ability to cope with stress! Today I just about lost it. I have a few things going on, but I SHOULD NOT be this stressed out.

This last Monday I started two online classes through Boise State University. Why? Well, because I have sat around for three years and. . . well, I'm sick of it. Plus I learned last week that I am about 20 credits away from graduating with an Associates in General Science. I have always wanted to graduate from college and this might be all that I'll be able to do before the worst comes. So I have gone "gung-ho" and overwhelmed myself. (Sigh) Oh, well. Things will work out and get better as the semester continues.

Another thing that is going on, is that my family is going to go on a trip to Vancouver, Canada. Since it is me that wants to go, I was put in charge of looking up airfare, hotels, car rentals, the money exchange rate, etc. So I am going from website to website looking for good prices and I am starting to thing that this probably a lot easier than I am thinking it is. But for now, I just need to do something to wind down tonight. My nerves are still on edge from keeping so busy today and feeling like I still didn't get anything done!!! I HATE THAT!!!!

An FYI:

In case anyone has ever gotten candle wax in carpet I now know the solution. Thanks to http://ask.yahoo.com/20040210.html. lol Yes, along with everything else, I had a candle overflow and drip on the carpet. Well, here is the solution: get a cloth or paper bag and place it over the spot. Then place a warm iron on the cloth/paper bag and iron the spot. The cloth/paper bag will "soak up" the wax and remove it from the carpet!! I didn't think it would work, but it was amazing!!! Hope you never have to try it.

A Theory On Why We Keep Going.

People have asked me how I can go through cancer with such a good attitude. I only have one answer: What else am I supposed to do? I mean, when a person is faced with any difficulty they have two options: to ride the wave or to fight the wave. One is way easier to do and is more enjoyable than the other, but the point is that the wave is still there. It will happen no matter how you choose react to it.

I am reminded of a horse that was found in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit. It survived the hurricane and the floods, but it ended up losing a leg and was in very poor health. The horse worked to get better and worked with the veterinarian as it fitted it with a prosthetic leg. The horse's attitude impressed its caretakers so much that when they fit it with the prosthetic leg, they had a smiley face carved into the bottom of it so that where ever the horse went it would leave an actual smile behind it.

So, "What else am I supposed to do?" I can be miserable for the rest of time. Or I can just accept what is going on and try to be at peace with it. Try to make the better of the decisions thrown my way, cause none of them are "happy, feel good" options, and weigh each decision with great care and consideration.

I am also greatful for the teachings I have been given about the atonement of Christ. The knowledge I have has blessed me often and helped calm my troubled heart. I am thankful for my Savior and that he loved me so much that he was willing to make the sacrifice for me. I am also thankful for my parents. They have been great through the last three years as they have tried to help ease the burden of my decisions and consequences. It all has helped me continue to keep truckin along and try to be at peace with my trials.

Why do I wait until the LAST MINUTE to do things??!!!

I really need to do this earlier than just as I am falling asleep or after I have taken pain meds. lol :)

Anyway, I was really busy on Saturday cleaning house with Joie and then running around HSB taking pictures and today I have paid a price for it. Totally worth it, but, man, my body aches! Mostly my lower back, but every now and then a nerve in my hips will pinch. So oxycodone is my friend right now.

The pictures that we took I have been wanting to take for a while now. A couple of years ago, I took a Family History class through the Boise State Institute where I learned about a website, http://www.findagrave.com/. It is a website where people can post information from cemeteries and post pictures of either the cemetery logs or the tombstones themselves. While in the class, I looked up what had been done for my local cemetery and a lot of information had been entered, but no pictures had been posted, which a lot of people like to have pictures to cite their work from. So I have been wanting to go up and take pictures of all the grave sites and post either the information, pictures or both. It turned out that the cemetery is bigger than I thought it was and doing this was a pretty ambitious goal. lol I think there are over 500 graves there. That is almost as many people there are living in the town of Horseshoe Bend!! It is a lot of work, but it is a great service for which I am happy to do and it is a lot of fun and very uplifting. There is an awesome spirit surrounding any sort of genealogy work. I love it!!

For closing: Another Joke, great for a Monday!!

A Little Humor

It is too late for anything else. :)

THE 84 YEAR OLD BRIDE

The local news stations was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married. . . for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money. . . two for the show. . . three to get ready. . . and four to go!!!"

Can't top the cleverness of this old lady. :)

Some of my days are just like everyone else's. :)

Today was a pretty good day. I started out not know what to do. Something I am sure everyone struggles with. lol. I chatted with our old foreign exchange student Pathomchai from Thailand. He had no suggestions and I wasn't about to ask Mom because I would have ended up cleaning. :) I was all on my own, by choice. I got sick of t.v. It is amazing at how sick of it I can get. Then I had an idea: Why not do some scripture study?! So I pulled out my LDS April Conference Ensign, downloaded the Saturday morning session, and found a nice place to study. My floor. :) Once I got started I realized that I should be doing this more often, instead of playing xBox games or watching t.v. I read President Eyring's talk on becoming provident temporally and spiritually. With they way things are going in my life I am more worried about being spiritually provident than temporally.

President Eyring talked about addictions and how we can willingly had over our freedom to our addictions. So I thought, "What are my addictions?" There wasn't anything serious like drugs (although there are some nice drugs out there), but I have decided that I am addicted to sleep. I have figured out these last three years of dealing with cancer that the less I am awake the less I have to be conciously aware that I am sick, bald, and, now, living with terminal cancer with no deadline. While sleeping does keep me sane, to a point, I think I abuse it too much.

Another of my addictions is going to LDS Institute of Religion classes. I love them. So much so that I graduated from the Institute in two years, spread out over time of course. I loved taking an hour or two out of my busy school schedule and calm things down a bit to study the gospel. I learned so much and I hope to continue taking classes even though I am a graduate.

My closing thought for tonight has to do with my cat, Luna, and my mom's dog, Jasper. Jasper loves to tease Luna, who is just a stick in the mud. :) She can't stand him. While I was studying, Jasper came up and started to tease Luna. When Luna had told him off and told him she had had enough he went and laid down next to her. I went over to Jasper and gave him kisses and then turned to Luna and did the same. Only Jasper followed me. While I was kissing Luna, so was Jasper. This kind of reminds me of bickering Kids and an understanding, loving Parent. When we fight amongst ourselves or hurt someone, He is there to comfort all hurting hearts and can even get a "Dog" to give kisses to a "Cat". I hope I learn from this and remember to have a little more charity in my heart.

For the Fam. Extended or Otherwise.

Well family, I am going to attempt what I have been asked to do by many of you. You all wonder how my days go and how I am dealing with everything so I am going to try to give you insights through this blog. Not all my posts will be cancer related because that would drive me crazy! I am trying to make more of my life than cancer. Hopefully this will help me talk truthfully about what is on my mind. Well, let's give this a whirl. It is going to be a bumpy ride, I can tell you that much. :)