The Sun Smiles Upon Me Again.

I really like that phrase. Last semester, while studying Music Appreciation my class was studying Richard Wagner's first act of The Valkayrie, where Siegmund meets Sieglinde and they fall in love. Both characters have had very bad luck lately. So the first time Siegmund sees Sieglinde, he feels his burdens being lifted off of him and says, "The sun smiles upon me again." Of course refering to the beauty of Sieglinde and the power love has of making everything else seem okay.

But as I was studying this, I was having a hard time with making decisions. Something I really hate to do. Anyway, I was trying to decide whether or not to do any more chemo. . .period. Not for a while, but for ever. That is a very difficult, burdensome decision to make. Everytime I thought about not doing chemo I thought to myself that I might as well sign my death certificate, grab a shovel, and dig a hole 4 feet by 6 feet and dig 1 foot for every month I am still here. Depressing I know. But everytime I thought about doing chemo I would cry. Chemo does more damage than just physical damage. I really didn't know that until my last hospital admission. There I had way too much time to think, watch t.v., and be miserable because my nose was still bleeding after almost 20 hours. I was miserable because of the nosebleed, I didn't see a reason for me to still be in the hospital after I hadn't been bleeding for 24 hours, I didn't have anyone there to make me laugh or even to talk to, and I was still in school, knowing that I was getting further and further behind each day. Which was very heartbreaking for me because I love school and I really want to do well in my classes and this was keeping me from doing that. After all that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to do chemo again. . . ever.

Anyway it was during this period of frustration, exhaustion, and pure mental chaos and hell that I read that sentence, "The sun smiles upon me again." After I read that I felt just as Siegmund did, a burden coming off of my shoulders and I was able to relax a little more. This was so because of the substitution that I made in the sentence: The Son smiles upon me again." I was reminded that my savior is alway there for me and while I may not know what is coming next and don't want to have to decide what is coming up next, everything will some how turn out okay. That has been the constant message to me these past years: some how everything is as it should be. I am eternally greatful for that and for my Savior who is always standing by me and helps pick me up after I have tripped myself up or just don't have the strength to stand alone anymore. Thank you. Thank you so much!!

This thought came because today I was in less pain than yesterday!! Therfore I was able to be more alert because of no pain meds. It was a much better day. The Son Smiles Upon me is now the sentence that will always bring me comfort and a smile to my face. :)